My family and I just got back from a small getaway to Branson this weekend, and we had a lot of fun. It's been a while since we've done something as a family, and it was nice to not have to worry about getting homework done or anything like that. I have just finished my sophomore year of college, and I now have only 3 semesters left at JBU. I am more than halfway finished! It's a freeing feeling, but also a scary one.
Speaking of scary, the first thing we did while we were in Branson was going to the IMAX theatre there. They had several different 45-min. shows; my dad had said he wanted to see the one they were showing on tornadoes. Being a big fan of tornado documentaries/shows/movies, I was very happy to go see it, as well. (Of course, no one else in the family objected to it either.)
The film was about this man whose goal in life at that time was to make a machine big enough to protect him from a tornado while trying to stay/look/film inside a tornado. We "followed" around the film crew as the storm chasers were doing their jobs and were trying to figure out why some storms made tornadoes and some didn't. By the end of the film, the man had succeeded in his dream of being inside a tornado and had filmed the footage. It was very cool and very scary.
My mom leaned over to me during the middle of the movie, and whispered, "I just keep thinking through this whole thing that God is saying, 'I am God and you are not.'" I nodded in agreement. Then that got me to thinking: God is so powerful. This is evidenced in His creation. Tornadoes are definitely a part of His creation. We tend to think of them as terrifying storms that bring about destruction. And they most definitely do. However, in themselves, they are so beautiful. Every time I see one on TV, I can't help but say, "Wow." They are so terrifying but yet they could only be created by the Almighty God. And to think that He is in control of these incredible storms!
This semester has been a really hard one for me. I had what you would call a "mid-college crisis." I constantly questioned whether I was in the right major. I was always asking myself, "What in the world am I going to do with music?!" (and sometimes I still do). I've stressed myself out so much with homework, that it became an excuse for me. It was a true excuse in the sense that I did have a ton to do all the time, but I began to use it even for myself. I would reason with myself, telling myself that I couldn't do any Bible reading tonight, because it was already too late; I needed my sleep and I had already worked so hard on my assignments for the evening. I'm going to be real with you guys; besides at church, I don't think I picked up my Bible once this semester. That definitely took its toll on me.
I started worrying about grades: I'm getting such low grades even though I feel like I'm working so hard at these classes . . . what if I don't keep my GPA at a certain level? Will I lose my scholarships? Where would I go to school? And lately, I've applied to about a bazillion different places for a summer job. I had one person call back for an interview, I felt like it went really well but I guess not; I didn't get it. What if I don't get a job at all?? Where am I going to get a source of income? So many worries . . . All because I had distanced myself from growing in the knowledge of my God and my Savior.
Don't get me wrong, just reading your Bible won't make your problems go away. But, they will decrease your problems, because you know that your God is bigger than anything you may face.
I started reading a book a few days ago called Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone by Elyse Fitzpatrick. I am already halfway through the book, and I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone, male or female, young or old. It's about how we as Christians tend to brush over the first (and also second) of the ten commandments to not make any gods before God/worship any idols. That is because we tend to think of idols/gods as outside of the heart, when really, the problem of idolatry is inside our hearts. Anything that takes the place of God in our thoughts, actions, etc. that we think will bring us more happiness is idolatry. School has been that idol in my life; not in a radical way. I don't intentionally "worship" classes or homework. But I unintentionally look to it for my ultimate happiness: I think that better grades will make me look smarter, my professors will think more highly of me, my classmates will respect me, and maybe even have the possibility of a good job in the future. The fact that it's taken over most of my time, and that it has pushed out my time with the Lord has made it an idol in my life. And I need to reset my priorities.
You may think, "What does this have to do with tornadoes?" Well, if the God of the entire universe can not only create but control storms like tornadoes, and even bigger ones than those, can He not take care of me and provide for me? Can He not bring me more joy, peace, and contentment than anything in the world? A tough question. It's one that needs to constantly be asked of me. Do I truly believe it? If I did, then I wouldn't be looking to schoolwork, or anything or anyone else for satisfaction. But yet, that's what I've been doing this whole semester.
Ouch.
Ahh, but there is good news for me yet! Christ came so that I could bury those idols at the cross. He paid for my sins, even when I constantly look to other things for satisfaction and happiness, however temporary it may be. All I can respond with is in thankfulness and repentance. This is my prayer:
Woe to me, I am unclean,
A sinner found in Your presence . . .
Ruin my life, the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
Til it's You alone I live for.
-- "Ruin Me" by Jeff Johnson
