Well folks, it's now the day of the year where we all reflect on what's happened in the past year, adn I will say that it's been quite the year for me. I would even go so far as to call it "the year of change." I honestly didn't anticipate half of the things that occurred during the course of it, but I guess that's the beauty of living your life: you don't know what will happen until it does.
I've shared with you guys before that change is not something that is easy for me to accept or to just "roll with it". I know some people aren't a big fan of or accept the whole Myers-Briggs personality thing, but honestly, it's helped me to learn a lot more about myself and how I tick (and what I can work on) than if I didn't know it. I'm an ENFJ, and basically what that means is: I'm the "teacher type". I draw my energy from being around people (Extrovert), I love ideas and things that are potential & love writing/journaling to sort out my thoughts (iNtuition), I'm more driven by emotions/mercy than logic (Feeling), and lastly, I love order & structure and am driven by routine (Judging). That last one seems to bite me in the behind more than the others, and I highly believe that this was the year that the Lord was working long and hard on me for it.
I crave order, structure, and predictability. I think to an extent we all do as human beings, because it is a safe place, a comfort zone. We know what to expect, and we can be in charge of things when we know what will happen.
God turned my world upside down this year in so many ways that I didn't know he would.
I didn't know that I would have 4 different jobs in this year alone. It's hard to learn new skills and get used to new managers and co-workers, but each job that I've worked for has gotten better and better. I love the people I'm working with now, and I love my job. It is good for now, and I am content with it, but I am content with knowing that my Father in heaven may have something even better in mind for me in the future. If there is something, He will provide it and will provide the way for me to pursue it.
I didn't know that I would break off a 2-year relationship. It was one of the hardest decisions that I've ever made, but it was for the better. I honestly thought we were going to get married after we graduated, but we just ended up being two different people with different end goals. We weren't right for each other, and I finally had to let go of the comfort and the utterly selfish desire of merely having a boyfriend just so I wouldn't feel alone. It wasn't fair for him, and it wasn't fair for me either.
I didn't know that my last semester would dramatically change from its original plans. After the breakup, I had the desire to do the musical, because I had time I could spare. I also only had 9 credit hours to complete to be able to graduate, so why would I pay for full-time student status if that's all I had left to complete? My advisor was SO awesome to be able to meet with me and change my schedule (almost completely from what it was previously), and was completely supportive of everything I wanted to do.
I didn't know that I would get [one of] the lead roles for the musical this year. It was completely unexpected, and I wasn't even going to try out for it until after I broke up with my boyfriend. It was like I was able to be free and do whatever I wanted to in my last semester of college; I wasn't tied to anyone, so I could make my own choices. I decided I would try out for it just a few weeks before auditions. The day of auditions, I thought I would try out for the lead, just for the heck of it. I honestly thought I would only get a chorus part, and I was okay with that. I just knew this was potentially my last chance to get to be in a musical, period, and I wanted to jump at the chance. That night, I got the email saying I had gotten the lead female role, and I was shocked. This was a dream of mine that I had had for years, and it had finally come true. I had so much fun and it was so rewarding for me to play that part!
I didn't know that half of my senior recital repertoire would change the semester of my recital. I had it all planned out the semester before, because we were getting a new voice teacher my last semester, and it would be less work for me and her to have it all planned out. But half of the rep ended up not working out or learned, and so we had to change them. It was so hard to learn 5 more songs in just two months, along with writing program notes for each of the 10 songs and their respective composers. The day of my recital though, when I got up on that stage and sang my heart out, I realized how worth the hard work was.
I didn't know how busy I was going to be regardless of my part-time student status. Not only was I preparing for my senior recital and playing a lead role in the musical, but I also worked a part-time job, had other classes, taught private guitar lessons, and was assistant conductor for not just one, but TWO choirs this semester. It was jam-packed, and it took a toll on my health for a good portion of the semester, but once again, it was all so worth the work.
I didn't know how hard it was going to be to graduate from college and move on to the next phase of my life. For several years, all I wanted was to get done with school so I could "do something good with my life." But then, I got to my last semester, and all I seemed to feel was this heartache of leaving my friends and the life I had known for the past few years. I had gotten comfortable at JBU, and now I had to leave. I didn't want to leave my friends behind and start over. Then I realized that I wasn't supposed to live a comfortable life, that I was meant for more than just school, homework, etc. JBU has taught me so much, and I will always treasure what I have done and learned there, but nobody is meant to be in school forever. There is a phase of life beyond it that everyone has to look forward to and prepare for.
Finally, I didn't know that I would finally be at peace with not knowing what lies ahead.
That is a shocking statement that I just made. ME, of all people, being okay with not knowing the future?! How can that be?
Maybe it's because God has so rocked my world this year, that I've gotten used to things changing. Maybe I've learned to embrace it, and it's now exciting to me instead of being scary or horrifying. Learning to let go of your fears and/or plans and give your cares to the Lord is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do (besides accepting Him as your Savior).
Friends, I encourage you as you step into the new year: whatever season of life you're currently in or about to embark on, I pray that you will take a deep breath, let go of your fears and plans, and let God completely take control of your life. COMPLETELY. That is so much easier said than done, and it won't happen in an instant, but if you're willing, God will grow you into a person that is more like Him and will provide whatever you need.
Blessings and love to all of you as you start a new year! Here's to 2015 and the events that will unfold in it.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Some People Won't Come With You
We've just moved out of the season of thankfulness, and now we're
moving into the season of joyful anticipation: the celebration of the birth of
Christ. This is a magical time of year when we listen to Bing Crosby and
Michael Buble croon on the radio, behold the splendor that is Christmas lights,
watch our breath in the cold air, and give to others. It's a blessed time of
year, filled with lots of little happy moments.
... I'm going to be honest and say that
I'm not feeling very happy at the moment. In fact, my heart has been in a
whirlwind pretty much this whole semester. There are so many uncertainties in
my life: will I be good at my new job? Will I keep any of my friends from JBU?
Will they even be sad that I'm not there? How many actually want to stay in my
life? Will I make any new ones? Can't I just be okay with not knowing how
things are going to turn out? Joy and contentment seem so distant these days...
As a good friend of mine has [accurately]
said, "I feel like I'm having [the topic of] joy being pushed down my
throat." We are told that if we are anxious, that we are sinning and not
trusting in God enough. I know we are commanded not to worry in the Bible. I know
it undermines God's authority and power if I do worry. So, why do I still feel
helpless?
The truth is, the most likely reason why I
feel anxious about the future is because I
feel entitled to a good one. I want to be in control, I want things to go
my way, in my timing. I want so badly to hold tightly to all of my friends that
I've made in the past few years.
I stumbled across a blog post about life
changes just recently. As I was reading, the author made some statements:
"Life changes happen, across the board. And no matter how
your life changes — whether it's moving across the country, getting an illness,
losing a parent, shifting jobs, or having a baby — some people won't come with
you to the next phase.
Some people won't come with you.
And that's okay.
...
You will make
more friends. That's one thing that never changes, no matter how old we are. No
matter how impossible it seems, or how long it takes, you CAN find your
people.
...
The more we all navigate through life changes — the more
perspective we all gain through simply experiencing life — the easier it is to
stick together. Because the ones who matter — the ones who get the new,
changed you —
will stay with you."
Reading this has helped put some things into perspective for me;
even though I want to take everyone with me to my next stage of life, some of
the friends I've made at JBU won't be a part of that new stage of life. As much
as I hate the thought of it because I love everyone there so much, it's true.
There's a sacredness to certain people only being a part of your life in a
certain time and place. It's okay to keep them there, to treasure them in that
chapter of your story. There will always be times when I look back at the people
I've gotten to know at college and people I've grown to love and care about
deeply, and I will always be reminded of how loved I've been, how encouraged I
was to pursue my passion, and how much people truly believed in my abilities
even when I doubted myself.
I will still continue to struggle with anxiety and depression here
and there, but this (along with talking to friends) has helped me some in my
journey.
I love all of you dearly, and I hope you will continue to pray for
me as I finish out my last 3 weeks (yep, only 3 left!) of college, of my time
at JBU.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Halloween: to celebrate or not?
In the past two days, I've gotten Facebook invites to participate in worship services on campus on the same day. I go to a private Christian university, so that's not anything out of the ordinary. My first reaction to these invites were, "Oh, how nice." Then, I started reading the details of the events.
The first was a sunrise worship service for the morning of Halloween. The second was for that night. What made me cringe was the description for each of them.
The sunrise service's description states (and I quote):
"As it is Halloween, and so much of our nation will be celebrating evil, we thought we would declare it the Lord's day and pray and sing about His goodness and sovereignty over the day."
The second service's description for that night states:
"The 31st of October is a day when people celebrate evil, in many places of the world there are all kinds of sacrifices and rituals made for the evil one. So how are we, God's people reacting to this?
This invitation is for those who want to make a difference, who believe that its better to celebrate the light than the darkness. I know it may be exciting to go to the Halloween parties and the haunted houses, but how much better is it to praise the one, almighty God!? Remember that we are not from this world, so don't be afraid of what people will say."
These services sound like a really good idea. I am all for advocating worshiping the Lord. I also agree that a lot of people go out and get into all sorts of trouble on Halloween night.
However, people seem to get into trouble without a holiday for it. And to me, these worship services seem to ignore the fact that there are people out in the general public to be witnessed to. There is a danger of being self-righteous in saying, "I'm not going to celebrate Halloween because of its evil intentions, and you shouldn't either."
I see nothing wrong with getting together with friends in costume and having goodies at a party. I have good friends that I completely trust who I would love to celebrate their friendship with at a get-together of sorts.
I'm not trying to pick any fights with anyone about this or discouraging worshiping the Lord. But what if we used something that was originally meant for evil and turned it into something good? What if we went to the people and talked with them, got to know them, show them the love and truth of Jesus?
Paul had several things to say about this in the New Testament. On the one hand, in 1 Corinthians 8, he discusses the possibility of refraining from eating meat sacrificed to idols because it might cause some of his weaker brothers in Christ to stumble; some new believers who weren't as strong in their faith probably saw their more "experienced" (for lack of a better word) Christians eating meat sacrificed to idols, and they ended up having the wrong intentions and ate it. Even though the older Christians ate it with no heart issue, the new believers had the wrong motives in their partaking of it. So Paul advised that the Corinthians be watchful for their brothers and sisters, so they would be careful not to cause them to think or act wrongly.
In somewhat of a contrast, in Galatians 2, Paul criticizes Peter for refusing to eat with the Gentiles (outsiders) because he was afraid of what the Jews (insiders) would think of him. Even though the Gentiles he could've eaten with had come to know Christ and follow Him like some of the Jewish believers, he still became afraid of what people thought of him and refused to eat with the Gentile believers. Paul opposed Peter for this, saying in verse 19, "For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God." The Law, being all of the rules that the Jews followed, was not what brought salvation to believers: it was (and still is) only by faith in Christ. But Jews still had a tendency to think they were above the Gentiles, because they had previously kept the Law (or at least identified it as the ultimate rulebook of sorts). Paul goes on to say in verses 20 and 21:
"I have been crucified with Christ, for it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly."
In Christ, we are free from sin and spiritual death, because He now lives in and rules our hearts and minds, replacing our fleshly desires. There is liberty/freedom in what we do as believers, as long as our intentions are pure and they don't defy what God has commanded of us. Even then, there should be boundaries set for some. Nobody is perfect and not everyone is wired the same way; everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.
I say all of this to say this final statement: if you don't celebrate Halloween, that's perfectly fine. I affirm that. I understand why. But please, don't condemn those who do celebrate it in a wholesome atmosphere. We love Jesus, too.
Thank you for taking the time to read this! However you choose to live the day tomorrow, I pray that it is edifying and pleasing to God.
The first was a sunrise worship service for the morning of Halloween. The second was for that night. What made me cringe was the description for each of them.
The sunrise service's description states (and I quote):
"As it is Halloween, and so much of our nation will be celebrating evil, we thought we would declare it the Lord's day and pray and sing about His goodness and sovereignty over the day."
The second service's description for that night states:
"The 31st of October is a day when people celebrate evil, in many places of the world there are all kinds of sacrifices and rituals made for the evil one. So how are we, God's people reacting to this?
This invitation is for those who want to make a difference, who believe that its better to celebrate the light than the darkness. I know it may be exciting to go to the Halloween parties and the haunted houses, but how much better is it to praise the one, almighty God!? Remember that we are not from this world, so don't be afraid of what people will say."
These services sound like a really good idea. I am all for advocating worshiping the Lord. I also agree that a lot of people go out and get into all sorts of trouble on Halloween night.
However, people seem to get into trouble without a holiday for it. And to me, these worship services seem to ignore the fact that there are people out in the general public to be witnessed to. There is a danger of being self-righteous in saying, "I'm not going to celebrate Halloween because of its evil intentions, and you shouldn't either."
I see nothing wrong with getting together with friends in costume and having goodies at a party. I have good friends that I completely trust who I would love to celebrate their friendship with at a get-together of sorts.
I'm not trying to pick any fights with anyone about this or discouraging worshiping the Lord. But what if we used something that was originally meant for evil and turned it into something good? What if we went to the people and talked with them, got to know them, show them the love and truth of Jesus?
Paul had several things to say about this in the New Testament. On the one hand, in 1 Corinthians 8, he discusses the possibility of refraining from eating meat sacrificed to idols because it might cause some of his weaker brothers in Christ to stumble; some new believers who weren't as strong in their faith probably saw their more "experienced" (for lack of a better word) Christians eating meat sacrificed to idols, and they ended up having the wrong intentions and ate it. Even though the older Christians ate it with no heart issue, the new believers had the wrong motives in their partaking of it. So Paul advised that the Corinthians be watchful for their brothers and sisters, so they would be careful not to cause them to think or act wrongly.
In somewhat of a contrast, in Galatians 2, Paul criticizes Peter for refusing to eat with the Gentiles (outsiders) because he was afraid of what the Jews (insiders) would think of him. Even though the Gentiles he could've eaten with had come to know Christ and follow Him like some of the Jewish believers, he still became afraid of what people thought of him and refused to eat with the Gentile believers. Paul opposed Peter for this, saying in verse 19, "For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God." The Law, being all of the rules that the Jews followed, was not what brought salvation to believers: it was (and still is) only by faith in Christ. But Jews still had a tendency to think they were above the Gentiles, because they had previously kept the Law (or at least identified it as the ultimate rulebook of sorts). Paul goes on to say in verses 20 and 21:
"I have been crucified with Christ, for it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly."
In Christ, we are free from sin and spiritual death, because He now lives in and rules our hearts and minds, replacing our fleshly desires. There is liberty/freedom in what we do as believers, as long as our intentions are pure and they don't defy what God has commanded of us. Even then, there should be boundaries set for some. Nobody is perfect and not everyone is wired the same way; everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.
I say all of this to say this final statement: if you don't celebrate Halloween, that's perfectly fine. I affirm that. I understand why. But please, don't condemn those who do celebrate it in a wholesome atmosphere. We love Jesus, too.
Thank you for taking the time to read this! However you choose to live the day tomorrow, I pray that it is edifying and pleasing to God.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Busy Does NOT Equal Better
"O, may angels glorify him incessantly,
and if possible, prostrate themselves lower
before the blessed King of heaven!
I long to bear a part with them in ceaseless praise;
But when I have done all I can to eternity
I shall not be able to offer more than a small fraction of the homage
that the glorious God deserves.
Give me a heart full of divine, heavenly love."
-- The Valley of Vision
I went to the Gathering (Sunday evening service at JBU) tonight for the first time in a long time, because I live off campus and usually am not around on the weekend. I got to sit in a pew and listen to a guy tell his story that of course had an affect on me, because God is cool like that and everything happens for a reason. He shared his story of how he had become passionate about sharing the Gospel with unreached people groups and being involved in all sorts of things, and how he had to learn to put all that aside and simply love God. It struck me because I am kind of in the same place.
This last semester of college has been hectic so far, and I have loved every minute of it. From being one of the female leads in the musical, to preparing for my senior recital, to working part time, to helping two choirs, to teaching guitar/voice lessons... My life is crazy busy. But I've always liked it that way. I've always wanted to feel wanted/needed.
For so long, I had prayed and prayed that God would provide ways that I could help others and get more involved in doing things that I wanted to do and things that would prepare me for the future. And praise to Him, He has provided so many! However, my semester has kind of come to a halt in the past week because I got sick. I had a viral infection/laryngitis, which is literally the worst thing that can happen to a singer. And I happen to need to be singing a LOT this semester. Being in bed for two days straight and coughing all the time has been unbearable for me. Instead of resting, I've felt stressed because of everything I need to get done.
The problem with that, though, is that I have to get well and stay well before I can really be effective in anything.
While I'm progressing in getting better, I'm still not completely recovered, and I still need to rest my body and take care of myself. However, I always put everyone first before myself, and that makes me happy to see them happy and to be needed. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to say "no" to someone. I've gotten better at being able to tell people "no" if I need to, but it's still not easy for me.
The guy I listened to at the Gathering spoke of the story of Mary and Martha. Of course, we know the story of how Martha was making preparations for Jesus and his followers, and how Mary didn't help her; Martha got upset at Mary and basically tattled on her to Jesus. But Jesus loving told Martha that Mary was doing the right thing, and that it wouldn't be taken away from her. I do this ALL the time; I equate busyness with my worth as a person, how much of a better person can I be. This is a completely false way of thinking, but it's hard not to when I find my worth in others needing me and appreciating me. The thing is, though, it's not about me at all.
Lesson learned from this: busy does NOT equal being a better person. It's a lot of fun, but it can catch up to you, and it can distract you from simply sitting at the Savior's feet and learning more about Him and simply loving Him. Of course there is always a need somewhere, and being involved is a good thing. But like the guy at the Gathering said, "I put the means above the end." ...I tend to do that with a lot of things.
I love the prayer that I posted at the top, because it is a good reminder that even if I participate in everything I possibly can in life, it is only a fraction of God's plan for the world. I am not all there is. Life isn't about me. It's all about Him, and He will be glorified in more than what I have to offer. Thanks be to Him that He still accepts what I do as an offering towards Him, even if my intentions are not always straight!
Father, forgive me for not loving You with my whole heart and mind.
As scary as it sounds, overwhelm my life, in every aspect.
Change my heart.
Friday, August 22, 2014
What's Next?
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
That was the question that every grown-up asked me when I was younger. My answer changed pretty much every year: it always ranged from being a singer to being a meteorologist (I still wouldn't mind doing that today if it weren't for all that good ol' math and science).
I'm no longer asked that question, at least not in the same way, because now, I AM grown up. I used to think 20 was old... Ha! I'll be 22 in December and I feel way too young to be doing things myself. For one thing, I'm expected to know what I want to do with my entire life. I'm supposed to have it all figured out.
I'm getting several emails from the college's career center online, telling me to start looking for jobs and asking me to put in all my criteria and info to find matching jobs. ... Aaaand nothing. *sigh*
Isn't it funny how the dreams you had as a kid fade away once you realize how far fetched some of them are? It sucks.
Now, instead the conversation is always something like this:
"So what are you doing after this semester?"
"Good question. Let me get back to you on that."
(Makes me want to pull out my hair....)
As a music student, I'm expected to teach music lessons because that's what I majored in and teaching is pretty much all that anyone can think of for a practical job in that field. (Why can't there be other options?!)
So there's that.
I also start my last semester of school in 4 days.
I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry for days and not think about it... seriously considering starting a revolt against being an adult. But I can't ignore it; it's inevitable. I will (God willing) finish up this semester, perform my senior recital, graduate, and then move on with my life. I will have to move out and provide for myself in some way, I will have to find a stable job that pays decently so I can make a living for myself, I will eventually (and hopefully) marry my best friend and start a family, and then ta-da, my life will be complete... or not...
After this semester ends, I will no longer see all my friends all the time; no more late nights in the music lab, no more sitting in the practice room banging my head against the piano trying to practice for voice lessons, no more theory or musicianship or homework or classes... ever.
I should be thinking, "Wow, I'm almost done and I made it this far!" And I am, of course. But really, I'm going to miss everything, even the hard and boring things. This has been my life the past 3 (will be 3.5) years, and I've been in school in general for so long that it will be weird not being in it anymore.
There are so many questions running marathons through my head... How many of my friends that I've made will stay in my life? I'm terrified that I won't get to keep any of them in the long run. I wish I could just keep friends in my life for longer than 3 years. I'm tired of leaving places, and I'm tired of people leaving my life. Why can't things just stay the same for once? Why can't I just keep friends in my life for years and years to come? I love making new friends, and it's not that hard for me, but it does wear me out and I wonder if people would ever care to pour into me like I want to pour into them. Will I stay? Will I leave? If I do, where would I go?
Even with the questions, I know God has it all planned out and that He knows what will happen and that He will guide me in the process. It's just hard because I am not in control. Doors will open and close whether or not I want them to. I have a say in some things but ultimately God opens the doors for me. Proverbs 16 has several verses that explain that even though man plans his way and "casts lots", God ultimately directs our steps and every decision is planned by Him. Comforting reminder, for sure.
To all my friends at JBU, thank you for putting up with my absolute dorkiness and oddities for the past few years. You have all contributed in my growth spiritually, emotionally, and mentally as a person, and I cannot thank you enough for that. Thank you for being that shoulder I cried on after I got a horrible grade on an assignment, for studying with me before a huge Music History exam, for reminding me that my life and my worth are so much more than my grades and my knowledge. You all mean so much to me, and I'm going to start crying as I start thinking about leaving this wonderful place. (If it looks like I'm about to break down, just give me a hug. I don't care who you are.) I hope I can keep some of the relationships I've made in the past few years and keep them for a long time. You guys mean too much to me for me to just let go of you all. Thank you for giving me the confidence I wanted for so long; I know I'm not perfect at all, but I know that my God is bigger than I am and He saved me from my sinful flesh and He is all that matters in my life.
To you AND to all my professors I've had, thank you for believing in me when I didn't think I could do things myself. I had no idea the potential I had until college, and now I can go try to change some lives with what I've been given. Thank you for pouring into me, because your teaching has truly made a difference in my life. I hope I can teach others the lessons I've learned from you as well as you've taught them to me.
I love you all. Here's to my last semester, these last few pages in this chapter of life, and here's to the next one!
That was the question that every grown-up asked me when I was younger. My answer changed pretty much every year: it always ranged from being a singer to being a meteorologist (I still wouldn't mind doing that today if it weren't for all that good ol' math and science).
I'm no longer asked that question, at least not in the same way, because now, I AM grown up. I used to think 20 was old... Ha! I'll be 22 in December and I feel way too young to be doing things myself. For one thing, I'm expected to know what I want to do with my entire life. I'm supposed to have it all figured out.
I'm getting several emails from the college's career center online, telling me to start looking for jobs and asking me to put in all my criteria and info to find matching jobs. ... Aaaand nothing. *sigh*
Isn't it funny how the dreams you had as a kid fade away once you realize how far fetched some of them are? It sucks.
Now, instead the conversation is always something like this:
"So what are you doing after this semester?"
"Good question. Let me get back to you on that."
(Makes me want to pull out my hair....)
As a music student, I'm expected to teach music lessons because that's what I majored in and teaching is pretty much all that anyone can think of for a practical job in that field. (Why can't there be other options?!)
So there's that.
I also start my last semester of school in 4 days.
I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry for days and not think about it... seriously considering starting a revolt against being an adult. But I can't ignore it; it's inevitable. I will (God willing) finish up this semester, perform my senior recital, graduate, and then move on with my life. I will have to move out and provide for myself in some way, I will have to find a stable job that pays decently so I can make a living for myself, I will eventually (and hopefully) marry my best friend and start a family, and then ta-da, my life will be complete... or not...
After this semester ends, I will no longer see all my friends all the time; no more late nights in the music lab, no more sitting in the practice room banging my head against the piano trying to practice for voice lessons, no more theory or musicianship or homework or classes... ever.
I should be thinking, "Wow, I'm almost done and I made it this far!" And I am, of course. But really, I'm going to miss everything, even the hard and boring things. This has been my life the past 3 (will be 3.5) years, and I've been in school in general for so long that it will be weird not being in it anymore.
There are so many questions running marathons through my head... How many of my friends that I've made will stay in my life? I'm terrified that I won't get to keep any of them in the long run. I wish I could just keep friends in my life for longer than 3 years. I'm tired of leaving places, and I'm tired of people leaving my life. Why can't things just stay the same for once? Why can't I just keep friends in my life for years and years to come? I love making new friends, and it's not that hard for me, but it does wear me out and I wonder if people would ever care to pour into me like I want to pour into them. Will I stay? Will I leave? If I do, where would I go?
Even with the questions, I know God has it all planned out and that He knows what will happen and that He will guide me in the process. It's just hard because I am not in control. Doors will open and close whether or not I want them to. I have a say in some things but ultimately God opens the doors for me. Proverbs 16 has several verses that explain that even though man plans his way and "casts lots", God ultimately directs our steps and every decision is planned by Him. Comforting reminder, for sure.
To all my friends at JBU, thank you for putting up with my absolute dorkiness and oddities for the past few years. You have all contributed in my growth spiritually, emotionally, and mentally as a person, and I cannot thank you enough for that. Thank you for being that shoulder I cried on after I got a horrible grade on an assignment, for studying with me before a huge Music History exam, for reminding me that my life and my worth are so much more than my grades and my knowledge. You all mean so much to me, and I'm going to start crying as I start thinking about leaving this wonderful place. (If it looks like I'm about to break down, just give me a hug. I don't care who you are.) I hope I can keep some of the relationships I've made in the past few years and keep them for a long time. You guys mean too much to me for me to just let go of you all. Thank you for giving me the confidence I wanted for so long; I know I'm not perfect at all, but I know that my God is bigger than I am and He saved me from my sinful flesh and He is all that matters in my life.
To you AND to all my professors I've had, thank you for believing in me when I didn't think I could do things myself. I had no idea the potential I had until college, and now I can go try to change some lives with what I've been given. Thank you for pouring into me, because your teaching has truly made a difference in my life. I hope I can teach others the lessons I've learned from you as well as you've taught them to me.
I love you all. Here's to my last semester, these last few pages in this chapter of life, and here's to the next one!
Monday, August 11, 2014
Hope in Pain, Hope in Life.
I drove home from Tulsa tonight not being able to get the news of Robin Williams out of my head. "He's dead." Many are saying it is because he committed suicide, which makes his death even more heartbreaking. It made me reflect on the many countless others I know that suffer from depression and emotional instability.
I have dealt with depression a lot in my life. A lot of it has been minor, but I have also experienced a lot of emotional pain from different experiences in my life. However, this isn't uncommon to many of us. We all have our secrets, our own dark sides, our own experiences, and our own baggage that we carry silently.
This is the human condition: we long to be loved in the deepest way.
Most of us will do whatever it takes to obtain that kind of love. We put on a cheerful face, we blend in, we keep up with trends, cake the makeup on our faces, we let people walk all over us... all because we long to fit in somewhere, to be accepted by society, and to be loved unconditionally.
That's why I believe many people endure emotional or physical abuse by someone close to them, because it's so hard to let go of them and be done with them. There is something in peoples' minds that says, "They're not perfect, I'll keep giving them chances" even though they might never change. They would rather endure the pain of the abuse and keep them around, than potentially finding solace in being alone. All for the sake of "love."
That's why I believe that many suffer from depression. If we are not loved enough, either by enough people or enough from at least one person, we feel our self-worth crumbling under our feet like an avalanche. We crave each others' attention. We desire affirmation constantly. If we do not get what we want, we over-evaluate ourselves. "What's wrong with me?" "Why does no one laugh at my jokes?" "I only got 1 like on my status while she got 30 on hers." Etc, etc. All to be affirmed and to be loved.
That's why I think a lot of us suffer from anxiety. We are always afraid something will go wrong, that the part of us we don't want to see will come out and be exposed. We're afraid of ridicule, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of not being accepted. All for the sake of wanting to be loved and adored.
That's why I think people have the nerve to commit suicide. This is a touchy subject, but I want to dive into it anyway... People don't feel accepted, loved, desired, so they end their lives to escape the pain. Sometimes, there are times where things happen that are incredibly bad that we can't give an explanation for. Let me just say something...
IT. IS. NEVER. WORTH. IT. EVER.
Friends, let me tell you that there is ALWAYS hope in life. I know this because I have experienced it firsthand. Jesus Christ has given me that hope during any kind of suffering I'm experiencing. I'm not claiming to be "better" than anyone else because I've accepted Him as my Savior and leader of my life. I do not even claim that my life is all daisies and sunshine, because believe me, it's not at all - I've gone through so much crap in my life because of me being a Christian. That doesn't make sense to a lot of people. So then, you may be led to ask, why are you a Christian then, if the pain could be eliminated by not being one, by not following Him? Even if you aren't personally suffering, what about the world around us? God doesn't seem to care. What then?
Because, friends, the pain is worth it all. God does care, more than we can ever believe. So much so that He sent His Son Jesus to earth. He suffered and died for all the wrongs I've done and have yet to do, all my mistakes, all the pain I've personally caused others. He rose from the grave because He desires for everyone to come to Him, rest in His love and mercy, and follow Him. He desires relationship with us just as much as we desire relationship with others, but not because He needs us. He desires relationship with us, simply because He created us and loves us. I know I am loved and accepted as His own because I have accepted Him. At the same time, I know I could never have accepted Him if He had not "chosen" me and pursued me first. If He suffered for my sins and my wrongdoings because He loved me, why can't I suffer for His sake? He endured every kind of pain possible, so He understands and sympathizes with us completely.
Take the story of Job in the Bible. ALL of his possessions were destroyed, his children were all killed, his own health was gone. All because God let Satan test Job, because Satan thought Job followed God because of all the earthly blessings He gave Job. Job didn't do anything wrong; he was a righteous man who feared and loved God. So... Why was he suffering this much? We get to know why, but he never got those answers for himself. Instead, God questioned him: "Did you create the earth and the heavens? Do YOU know how things work? etc."
Sounds intimidating, right?
It was, because Job repented of his doubtfulness of God, and his health and family and possessions were all restored to him. Despite his doubts, he never cursed God; he remained faithful in following God.
You know, I may not understand why certain things happen, but do I have to know? Am I the Creator of the Universe? Do I have the power to control the weather or the earth? Do I know all the answers to the way things work? The answer to all of these questions is: no! In a sense, God doesn't have to answer me, yet despite that He desires to give us comfort and pursues relationship with us. All things work together for good for those who love and serve Him (Romans 8:28). Even if we never experience that or see it come to pass in our lifetime, God is ALWAYS good, and He always works things out to bring about His bigger and even better plan.
THIS is why I still continue to follow Christ. In the midst of trials, He gives me peace in the storm. He gives me rest in the midst of the craziness. He gives me love in the midst of heartache.
Please, if you don't know Christ personally, or if you're really not sure about following Him, or even if it's worth it, please feel free to message me, call me, text me, etc. I wish you could all experience this great love and mercy that I have experienced, and I know you can.
Please, please know this also: there is always hope, even in the darkest times of our lives. You are always loved, even if you don't feel it. You are desired, even if you don't see it.
[A side note: I understand some of these things people suffer from are actually medical conditions and that sometimes it can't be helped. I do think, though, that some of the problem is in how we think and what we believe. Also, I would love to share my stories with any of you if you want to talk and discuss depression or anxiety.]
I have dealt with depression a lot in my life. A lot of it has been minor, but I have also experienced a lot of emotional pain from different experiences in my life. However, this isn't uncommon to many of us. We all have our secrets, our own dark sides, our own experiences, and our own baggage that we carry silently.
This is the human condition: we long to be loved in the deepest way.
Most of us will do whatever it takes to obtain that kind of love. We put on a cheerful face, we blend in, we keep up with trends, cake the makeup on our faces, we let people walk all over us... all because we long to fit in somewhere, to be accepted by society, and to be loved unconditionally.
That's why I believe many people endure emotional or physical abuse by someone close to them, because it's so hard to let go of them and be done with them. There is something in peoples' minds that says, "They're not perfect, I'll keep giving them chances" even though they might never change. They would rather endure the pain of the abuse and keep them around, than potentially finding solace in being alone. All for the sake of "love."
That's why I believe that many suffer from depression. If we are not loved enough, either by enough people or enough from at least one person, we feel our self-worth crumbling under our feet like an avalanche. We crave each others' attention. We desire affirmation constantly. If we do not get what we want, we over-evaluate ourselves. "What's wrong with me?" "Why does no one laugh at my jokes?" "I only got 1 like on my status while she got 30 on hers." Etc, etc. All to be affirmed and to be loved.
That's why I think a lot of us suffer from anxiety. We are always afraid something will go wrong, that the part of us we don't want to see will come out and be exposed. We're afraid of ridicule, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of not being accepted. All for the sake of wanting to be loved and adored.
That's why I think people have the nerve to commit suicide. This is a touchy subject, but I want to dive into it anyway... People don't feel accepted, loved, desired, so they end their lives to escape the pain. Sometimes, there are times where things happen that are incredibly bad that we can't give an explanation for. Let me just say something...
IT. IS. NEVER. WORTH. IT. EVER.
Friends, let me tell you that there is ALWAYS hope in life. I know this because I have experienced it firsthand. Jesus Christ has given me that hope during any kind of suffering I'm experiencing. I'm not claiming to be "better" than anyone else because I've accepted Him as my Savior and leader of my life. I do not even claim that my life is all daisies and sunshine, because believe me, it's not at all - I've gone through so much crap in my life because of me being a Christian. That doesn't make sense to a lot of people. So then, you may be led to ask, why are you a Christian then, if the pain could be eliminated by not being one, by not following Him? Even if you aren't personally suffering, what about the world around us? God doesn't seem to care. What then?
Because, friends, the pain is worth it all. God does care, more than we can ever believe. So much so that He sent His Son Jesus to earth. He suffered and died for all the wrongs I've done and have yet to do, all my mistakes, all the pain I've personally caused others. He rose from the grave because He desires for everyone to come to Him, rest in His love and mercy, and follow Him. He desires relationship with us just as much as we desire relationship with others, but not because He needs us. He desires relationship with us, simply because He created us and loves us. I know I am loved and accepted as His own because I have accepted Him. At the same time, I know I could never have accepted Him if He had not "chosen" me and pursued me first. If He suffered for my sins and my wrongdoings because He loved me, why can't I suffer for His sake? He endured every kind of pain possible, so He understands and sympathizes with us completely.
Take the story of Job in the Bible. ALL of his possessions were destroyed, his children were all killed, his own health was gone. All because God let Satan test Job, because Satan thought Job followed God because of all the earthly blessings He gave Job. Job didn't do anything wrong; he was a righteous man who feared and loved God. So... Why was he suffering this much? We get to know why, but he never got those answers for himself. Instead, God questioned him: "Did you create the earth and the heavens? Do YOU know how things work? etc."
Sounds intimidating, right?
It was, because Job repented of his doubtfulness of God, and his health and family and possessions were all restored to him. Despite his doubts, he never cursed God; he remained faithful in following God.
You know, I may not understand why certain things happen, but do I have to know? Am I the Creator of the Universe? Do I have the power to control the weather or the earth? Do I know all the answers to the way things work? The answer to all of these questions is: no! In a sense, God doesn't have to answer me, yet despite that He desires to give us comfort and pursues relationship with us. All things work together for good for those who love and serve Him (Romans 8:28). Even if we never experience that or see it come to pass in our lifetime, God is ALWAYS good, and He always works things out to bring about His bigger and even better plan.
THIS is why I still continue to follow Christ. In the midst of trials, He gives me peace in the storm. He gives me rest in the midst of the craziness. He gives me love in the midst of heartache.
Please, if you don't know Christ personally, or if you're really not sure about following Him, or even if it's worth it, please feel free to message me, call me, text me, etc. I wish you could all experience this great love and mercy that I have experienced, and I know you can.
Please, please know this also: there is always hope, even in the darkest times of our lives. You are always loved, even if you don't feel it. You are desired, even if you don't see it.
[A side note: I understand some of these things people suffer from are actually medical conditions and that sometimes it can't be helped. I do think, though, that some of the problem is in how we think and what we believe. Also, I would love to share my stories with any of you if you want to talk and discuss depression or anxiety.]
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Which is better?
Being at a Christian university has its perks, and sometimes it has its struggles. I won't deny that. There's always this pressure to find "The One" on campus within the 4 years that you study there. I have a firm belief that at least 8/10 freshmen girls are scouting for their "One" starting on day 1. My heart aches for those girls, because I know what it's like to feel that pressure. However, my one serious relationship has not come from finding someone at the Christian university that I attend.
After two years of being in a serious relationship with someone, I had started being asked the same question over and over again: "SO, when are YOU getting married?" with a sly smile on their face. I would always shrug. Because I honestly didn't have a clue.
As for someone who was that far along in a relationship, that question was so hard for me to answer and to be asked. Now that I'm single, it's even harder because the prospect of marriage seems so far away. There is no certainty about anything, no prospects. Which is honestly kind of refreshing... I could literally do anything now; I don't need to think about another person and what they would want me to do. All I have to think about is myself. I have nothing and no one holding me back from doing what I want to do. Even if that seems a bit selfish of me, it's nice to have that option now. Yet, it still bothers me to an extent that I am single, because that's what is expected of me; to my peers and all those older than me, I'm supposed to graduate college, get a good career going, get married soon after, have babies, and help manage a household full of people (all in that order). If we break up with someone, we are consoled with the statement, "Oh well, there are other fish in the sea!", etc. (And there is nothing wrong with that statement, mind you, it's kind of a relief to hear that.)
My big question is: why has Christian society glorified marriage over singleness for the young woman? Yes, marriage is a wonderful thing, when two people come together to work together and glorify God with their relationship and to bring up children and to help each other grow in their walk with Christ. All that good stuff.
But that seems to be the only thing the young twenty-something Christian woman is expected to do anymore. And it bothers me.
I don't think guys have as much of a problem with it as girls do; yes, I know y'all have your own problems/questions being asked of you (more related to your degree/job).
I have to wonder about Paul in the New Testament: I know he was a man, but did he ever feel discontent with his singleness? If he was, we don't know about it, because he discussed how content he was with being unmarried in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8, yet in verse 9, he does give the married people a break because not everyone was content with being unmarried and they "burned with passion." Also in Philippians, he states that he has learned to be content in whatever circumstance he is in (4:11-12). We should be thinking like this, too.
We don't often hear about how singleness is a good thing, and I think it's because it makes us feel uncomfortable. Of course we all want to find someone to love unconditionally that loves us in return. Almost no one (that I know of) likes the thought of living alone for the rest of their lives. And with the sex-crazed culture we live in today, it's even harder to stay single AND celibate when sex is being shoved down our throats.
With all this said, I am all in favor of marriage. I hope to one day get married and have a family of my own and have my own house to decorate and a wedding to plan. Right now, though, I want to live my life to the fullest as a single young woman. I want to be a light to others in how I live and work, even in the little things.
I haven't written on here in a while, and I hope I can start doing that again, because I've missed it. I hope I have encouraged someone by what I write, like always.
With much love,
Lauren
Saturday, February 15, 2014
The Lovey Dovey Holiday.
I pulled up into the Walmart parking lot this past Thursday evening, hoping to get some supplies for making my own Valentines at home. I regretted it immediately. Valentine's had thrown up all over the store. So many people crowded around the holiday section. Red, pink, and white hearts were everywhere. Men standing in lines with flowers, chocolates, and/or cards. The looks on some of their faces matched that of Katniss Everdeen's in the elevator scene in Catching Fire. (If you have no idea what you're talking about, look it up on YouTube.)
Walmart wasn't the only store like this. I went in to Harp's yesterday (Friday) morning to get some more things, and flowers and balloons were everywhere. Candy and chocolate were in huge bins all over the front of the store.
I also read in JBU's Threefold Advocate newspaper some statistics about Valentine's day. One in particular caught my eye: 53% of women would break off the relationship with their significant other if they didn't receive anything for Valentine's day. That. Is. Ridiculous.
Why did Valentine's day have to become so materialistic? Since when did flowers, candy, and a card become the standard Valentine's gift for women? When did it become all about us in receiving gifts and having the ultimate lovey dovey night with a boyfriend or girlfriend? While I do appreciate getting that special time with my boyfriend, wasn't Valentine's day meant to be for something a little deeper than that?
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Valentine's day. I loved it even before my boyfriend and I started dating. I hear my single friends cringe as the day draws near every year. I remember what it was like to be single on that day, but I was never terribly bitter about not having a boyfriend. I always had fun with friends that day, whether it was a party or just hanging out, I dressed up in red and did my hair a little nicer, I exchanged silly valentines with my friends... I always seemed to have a really good day despite me being single. So, to all the single ladies and gents out there: it IS possible to really love Valentine's day as a single person.
Something that I've had to learn over past couple of years is that it brings me more joy to give to others than it is to get anything. That is something that God has worked through me on, and I am grateful that He has. I've figured out just recently that love languages are SUPER important; of course they show love to other people (duh), but it shows people that you care about them in some little way. I've also discovered that some people have different love languages that they like to give others, and ones that they would rather receive than give. For me, my 2 love languages that I love to give to others is acts of service and gifts. Both of them seem to go hand-in-hand. I know I have a problem with spending my money too quickly. Sometimes it's for something I want/like, but some of the time, it's because I see something my friends would like or that I could make for them, and so I put my money towards whatever that is to give it to them. I am also always asking what I could be doing for other people, because to me personally, it shows that I am willing to put time and effort into doing something that they need someone to do or want someone to do for them. It's interesting, because even though I really like giving those love languages towards other people, those really aren't my top ones that I'd like for people to give to me. Everyone is different, though.
So, I guess here's a tip: Learn one or two of your top love languages that you like to give towards others, and then do something about it! I know that when I do things/give things to others, it gives me great happiness and joy, and I feel like I've made a small impact in someone's life. This enables you, sometimes forces you to not think about yourself, and instead think of other people.
Because that's what Valentine's day is REALLY supposed to be about: letting others know how much you care about them and how much they mean to you.
This reflects Christ's character completely! He came not to be served but to serve others. Philippians 2 explains in detail how Christ was a servant. In v. 3-4, it says:
3 Do nothing [c]from [d]selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
We as Christ's followers ought to act with humility towards each other and look out for others' needs. Paul continues in v. 5-#:
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Christ became a man, wrapped in pathetic, fallen flesh, to empty Himself and humble Himself by dying on the cross so that we might have a relationship with Him forever and be able to have communion with God. This is the perfect picture of a servant: expecting nothing in return when making the ultimate sacrifice for those He loves. How wonderful is that?!
I hope that you have gained somewhat of a better perspective on Valentine's day. I hope that you learn to love it like I have. Let us give to each other and love one another, as He loves us. Let us draw near to Jesus and His love and mercy. Let us rest in that fact.
Walmart wasn't the only store like this. I went in to Harp's yesterday (Friday) morning to get some more things, and flowers and balloons were everywhere. Candy and chocolate were in huge bins all over the front of the store.
I also read in JBU's Threefold Advocate newspaper some statistics about Valentine's day. One in particular caught my eye: 53% of women would break off the relationship with their significant other if they didn't receive anything for Valentine's day. That. Is. Ridiculous.
Why did Valentine's day have to become so materialistic? Since when did flowers, candy, and a card become the standard Valentine's gift for women? When did it become all about us in receiving gifts and having the ultimate lovey dovey night with a boyfriend or girlfriend? While I do appreciate getting that special time with my boyfriend, wasn't Valentine's day meant to be for something a little deeper than that?
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Valentine's day. I loved it even before my boyfriend and I started dating. I hear my single friends cringe as the day draws near every year. I remember what it was like to be single on that day, but I was never terribly bitter about not having a boyfriend. I always had fun with friends that day, whether it was a party or just hanging out, I dressed up in red and did my hair a little nicer, I exchanged silly valentines with my friends... I always seemed to have a really good day despite me being single. So, to all the single ladies and gents out there: it IS possible to really love Valentine's day as a single person.
Something that I've had to learn over past couple of years is that it brings me more joy to give to others than it is to get anything. That is something that God has worked through me on, and I am grateful that He has. I've figured out just recently that love languages are SUPER important; of course they show love to other people (duh), but it shows people that you care about them in some little way. I've also discovered that some people have different love languages that they like to give others, and ones that they would rather receive than give. For me, my 2 love languages that I love to give to others is acts of service and gifts. Both of them seem to go hand-in-hand. I know I have a problem with spending my money too quickly. Sometimes it's for something I want/like, but some of the time, it's because I see something my friends would like or that I could make for them, and so I put my money towards whatever that is to give it to them. I am also always asking what I could be doing for other people, because to me personally, it shows that I am willing to put time and effort into doing something that they need someone to do or want someone to do for them. It's interesting, because even though I really like giving those love languages towards other people, those really aren't my top ones that I'd like for people to give to me. Everyone is different, though.
So, I guess here's a tip: Learn one or two of your top love languages that you like to give towards others, and then do something about it! I know that when I do things/give things to others, it gives me great happiness and joy, and I feel like I've made a small impact in someone's life. This enables you, sometimes forces you to not think about yourself, and instead think of other people.
Because that's what Valentine's day is REALLY supposed to be about: letting others know how much you care about them and how much they mean to you.
This reflects Christ's character completely! He came not to be served but to serve others. Philippians 2 explains in detail how Christ was a servant. In v. 3-4, it says:
3 Do nothing [c]from [d]selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
We as Christ's followers ought to act with humility towards each other and look out for others' needs. Paul continues in v. 5-#:
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Christ became a man, wrapped in pathetic, fallen flesh, to empty Himself and humble Himself by dying on the cross so that we might have a relationship with Him forever and be able to have communion with God. This is the perfect picture of a servant: expecting nothing in return when making the ultimate sacrifice for those He loves. How wonderful is that?!
I hope that you have gained somewhat of a better perspective on Valentine's day. I hope that you learn to love it like I have. Let us give to each other and love one another, as He loves us. Let us draw near to Jesus and His love and mercy. Let us rest in that fact.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Confessions of a People-Pleasing Control Freak
I have now reached the point in my college career where I have heard the repulsive, infamous question more times than I care to count or recall. I figure you can guess what that question would be, but in case you don't know, it's the one everyone in college (especially juniors and seniors) hear and is struck with fear: "So, what's next after graduation?"
I've given into telling a couple of people that I'll probably just go eat a nice meal with my family.
But really, in all seriousness, I give so many different answers to this question depending on the person. "Oh, I'll probably teach private lessons." "I'm really interested in directing a children's choir." "I want to record my own music." "I just really want to work with people." All of these answers are legitimate, because they're all things I would be interested in. Yet, there's something tugging at my chest every time I give someone an answer to that question. It's like none of those things are good enough.
What's sad is, I can't even tell whether it's not good enough for me or good enough for others.
I thrive off of pleasing other people. I am very well aware that this isn't anything new; many people I know are also people pleasers. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't seem to think for myself in anything. I feed off of it like a vulture at a carcass. Gross picture, but it makes a point. It's bad for me, but yet, it makes me feel worth something to know that people are happy with me, my accomplishments, etc. The worst feeling in the world is someone being disappointed in me, for anything.
Maybe it's because at one point in time, in middle school, I didn't please anyone with my presence. Now, family was an exception, but you start to feel alone when no one will claim you as a friend at school or at church. I also haven't stayed at a church longer than 2 years at a time within the past 8 years or so. Being homeschooled from middle school on, I've had so many friends come and go in my life. Besides my family and my boyfriend, no one has stayed in my life longer than 3 years since early junior high school.
That's another reason I'm terrified of what's going to happen after graduation: my friends I've made here. I won't see them on a regular basis like I do now, if ever. The friend group I have right now has been together since first semester freshman year, and while we love each other, it's getting harder and harder to spend any time with each other. Each of us is moving on to another part of our lives. I find myself a wreck just trying to "make them" stay in my life, just because they've been my closest friends the longest out of so many in the past 8 years. I'm just now starting to develop meaningful relationships within the music department, and I'll be graduating in about 10 months. I'll be leaving, yet again. I would say that about 90% of my dreams lately have been me wandering around (a different place every time), looking for home, looking for someone (either my boyfriend or family), or looking for where I'm supposed to be (and it's different in every dream). Every dream ends abruptly with my alarm going off, and I never reach my destination, leaving me heavyhearted some mornings.
Is that what life is all about? Leaving, arriving, settling down somewhere, only to leave again and start all over? I mean I know we're not meant to live comfortably but c'mon. Can't I just be somewhere and STAY there? Can't I have control of all -- I mean, most of my life? I know God should be in the picture somewhere, but why would He care about my meaningless life?
Yet, He cares even more than I do. He knows everything. Every single dot and intricate detail of my pathetic, sinful life and being. And yet, He still chooses me daily.
Every time I happen to think of this truth, I shake my head ferociously. Why? I am the least bit deserving out of anybody I know.
Every night when I think of this question, I read through Scripture and see all of the countless stories of people just like me. HUGE screw ups. .....God still worked through them, sometimes brought them to Himself and revealed Himself to them. Every story is tied together into a huge story that's all about God. Everything is for His purpose and His glory. He sure as heck doesn't need us to get the job done, but He chooses to. He CHOOSES US. And despite our failures every single day, His promises have been and will always be kept.
Even when things around us change, He never does. His plans are never thwarted. Nothing surprises Him. Even when I literally scream into my pillow and throw it across my room in anger at Him or myself, He doesn't give up on me. He's still working in me, through me. Slowly but surely, I'll be like Him in more ways than I could possibly imagine.
I've drifted off to sleep so many times with no words to speak to God. I feel so inadequate when it comes to praying. (I mean really, I'm either having internal battles with myself or I'm talking out loud to the air, so it seems.) He knows my heart's deepest longings, my biggest fears, my "what ifs". God is the great weight-lifter. I have to pry my fingers off of my plans, my dreams, & my fears and relinquish them to Him first though.
It's so hard to wait when you're a control freak, though. I know the answers will come when they're supposed to. It's such a cliche' thing to say, but it's cliche' because it's completely true.
He'll always be there waiting when I'm ready to tuck my tail in and come back to Him. Thank you, Lord! May I never forget Your love and goodness.
I've given into telling a couple of people that I'll probably just go eat a nice meal with my family.
But really, in all seriousness, I give so many different answers to this question depending on the person. "Oh, I'll probably teach private lessons." "I'm really interested in directing a children's choir." "I want to record my own music." "I just really want to work with people." All of these answers are legitimate, because they're all things I would be interested in. Yet, there's something tugging at my chest every time I give someone an answer to that question. It's like none of those things are good enough.
What's sad is, I can't even tell whether it's not good enough for me or good enough for others.
I thrive off of pleasing other people. I am very well aware that this isn't anything new; many people I know are also people pleasers. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't seem to think for myself in anything. I feed off of it like a vulture at a carcass. Gross picture, but it makes a point. It's bad for me, but yet, it makes me feel worth something to know that people are happy with me, my accomplishments, etc. The worst feeling in the world is someone being disappointed in me, for anything.
Maybe it's because at one point in time, in middle school, I didn't please anyone with my presence. Now, family was an exception, but you start to feel alone when no one will claim you as a friend at school or at church. I also haven't stayed at a church longer than 2 years at a time within the past 8 years or so. Being homeschooled from middle school on, I've had so many friends come and go in my life. Besides my family and my boyfriend, no one has stayed in my life longer than 3 years since early junior high school.
That's another reason I'm terrified of what's going to happen after graduation: my friends I've made here. I won't see them on a regular basis like I do now, if ever. The friend group I have right now has been together since first semester freshman year, and while we love each other, it's getting harder and harder to spend any time with each other. Each of us is moving on to another part of our lives. I find myself a wreck just trying to "make them" stay in my life, just because they've been my closest friends the longest out of so many in the past 8 years. I'm just now starting to develop meaningful relationships within the music department, and I'll be graduating in about 10 months. I'll be leaving, yet again. I would say that about 90% of my dreams lately have been me wandering around (a different place every time), looking for home, looking for someone (either my boyfriend or family), or looking for where I'm supposed to be (and it's different in every dream). Every dream ends abruptly with my alarm going off, and I never reach my destination, leaving me heavyhearted some mornings.
Is that what life is all about? Leaving, arriving, settling down somewhere, only to leave again and start all over? I mean I know we're not meant to live comfortably but c'mon. Can't I just be somewhere and STAY there? Can't I have control of all -- I mean, most of my life? I know God should be in the picture somewhere, but why would He care about my meaningless life?
Yet, He cares even more than I do. He knows everything. Every single dot and intricate detail of my pathetic, sinful life and being. And yet, He still chooses me daily.
Every time I happen to think of this truth, I shake my head ferociously. Why? I am the least bit deserving out of anybody I know.
Every night when I think of this question, I read through Scripture and see all of the countless stories of people just like me. HUGE screw ups. .....God still worked through them, sometimes brought them to Himself and revealed Himself to them. Every story is tied together into a huge story that's all about God. Everything is for His purpose and His glory. He sure as heck doesn't need us to get the job done, but He chooses to. He CHOOSES US. And despite our failures every single day, His promises have been and will always be kept.
Even when things around us change, He never does. His plans are never thwarted. Nothing surprises Him. Even when I literally scream into my pillow and throw it across my room in anger at Him or myself, He doesn't give up on me. He's still working in me, through me. Slowly but surely, I'll be like Him in more ways than I could possibly imagine.
I've drifted off to sleep so many times with no words to speak to God. I feel so inadequate when it comes to praying. (I mean really, I'm either having internal battles with myself or I'm talking out loud to the air, so it seems.) He knows my heart's deepest longings, my biggest fears, my "what ifs". God is the great weight-lifter. I have to pry my fingers off of my plans, my dreams, & my fears and relinquish them to Him first though.
It's so hard to wait when you're a control freak, though. I know the answers will come when they're supposed to. It's such a cliche' thing to say, but it's cliche' because it's completely true.
He'll always be there waiting when I'm ready to tuck my tail in and come back to Him. Thank you, Lord! May I never forget Your love and goodness.
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