"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
That was the question that every grown-up asked me when I was younger. My answer changed pretty much every year: it always ranged from being a singer to being a meteorologist (I still wouldn't mind doing that today if it weren't for all that good ol' math and science).
I'm no longer asked that question, at least not in the same way, because now, I AM grown up. I used to think 20 was old... Ha! I'll be 22 in December and I feel way too young to be doing things myself. For one thing, I'm expected to know what I want to do with my entire life. I'm supposed to have it all figured out.
I'm getting several emails from the college's career center online, telling me to start looking for jobs and asking me to put in all my criteria and info to find matching jobs. ... Aaaand nothing. *sigh*
Isn't it funny how the dreams you had as a kid fade away once you realize how far fetched some of them are? It sucks.
Now, instead the conversation is always something like this:
"So what are you doing after this semester?"
"Good question. Let me get back to you on that."
(Makes me want to pull out my hair....)
As a music student, I'm expected to teach music lessons because that's what I majored in and teaching is pretty much all that anyone can think of for a practical job in that field. (Why can't there be other options?!)
So there's that.
I also start my last semester of school in 4 days.
I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry for days and not think about it... seriously considering starting a revolt against being an adult. But I can't ignore it; it's inevitable. I will (God willing) finish up this semester, perform my senior recital, graduate, and then move on with my life. I will have to move out and provide for myself in some way, I will have to find a stable job that pays decently so I can make a living for myself, I will eventually (and hopefully) marry my best friend and start a family, and then ta-da, my life will be complete... or not...
After this semester ends, I will no longer see all my friends all the time; no more late nights in the music lab, no more sitting in the practice room banging my head against the piano trying to practice for voice lessons, no more theory or musicianship or homework or classes... ever.
I should be thinking, "Wow, I'm almost done and I made it this far!" And I am, of course. But really, I'm going to miss everything, even the hard and boring things. This has been my life the past 3 (will be 3.5) years, and I've been in school in general for so long that it will be weird not being in it anymore.
There are so many questions running marathons through my head... How many of my friends that I've made will stay in my life? I'm terrified that I won't get to keep any of them in the long run. I wish I could just keep friends in my life for longer than 3 years. I'm tired of leaving places, and I'm tired of people leaving my life. Why can't things just stay the same for once? Why can't I just keep friends in my life for years and years to come? I love making new friends, and it's not that hard for me, but it does wear me out and I wonder if people would ever care to pour into me like I want to pour into them. Will I stay? Will I leave? If I do, where would I go?
Even with the questions, I know God has it all planned out and that He knows what will happen and that He will guide me in the process. It's just hard because I am not in control. Doors will open and close whether or not I want them to. I have a say in some things but ultimately God opens the doors for me. Proverbs 16 has several verses that explain that even though man plans his way and "casts lots", God ultimately directs our steps and every decision is planned by Him. Comforting reminder, for sure.
To all my friends at JBU, thank you for putting up with my absolute dorkiness and oddities for the past few years. You have all contributed in my growth spiritually, emotionally, and mentally as a person, and I cannot thank you enough for that. Thank you for being that shoulder I cried on after I got a horrible grade on an assignment, for studying with me before a huge Music History exam, for reminding me that my life and my worth are so much more than my grades and my knowledge. You all mean so much to me, and I'm going to start crying as I start thinking about leaving this wonderful place. (If it looks like I'm about to break down, just give me a hug. I don't care who you are.) I hope I can keep some of the relationships I've made in the past few years and keep them for a long time. You guys mean too much to me for me to just let go of you all. Thank you for giving me the confidence I wanted for so long; I know I'm not perfect at all, but I know that my God is bigger than I am and He saved me from my sinful flesh and He is all that matters in my life.
To you AND to all my professors I've had, thank you for believing in me when I didn't think I could do things myself. I had no idea the potential I had until college, and now I can go try to change some lives with what I've been given. Thank you for pouring into me, because your teaching has truly made a difference in my life. I hope I can teach others the lessons I've learned from you as well as you've taught them to me.
I love you all. Here's to my last semester, these last few pages in this chapter of life, and here's to the next one!
Friday, August 22, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
Hope in Pain, Hope in Life.
I drove home from Tulsa tonight not being able to get the news of Robin Williams out of my head. "He's dead." Many are saying it is because he committed suicide, which makes his death even more heartbreaking. It made me reflect on the many countless others I know that suffer from depression and emotional instability.
I have dealt with depression a lot in my life. A lot of it has been minor, but I have also experienced a lot of emotional pain from different experiences in my life. However, this isn't uncommon to many of us. We all have our secrets, our own dark sides, our own experiences, and our own baggage that we carry silently.
This is the human condition: we long to be loved in the deepest way.
Most of us will do whatever it takes to obtain that kind of love. We put on a cheerful face, we blend in, we keep up with trends, cake the makeup on our faces, we let people walk all over us... all because we long to fit in somewhere, to be accepted by society, and to be loved unconditionally.
That's why I believe many people endure emotional or physical abuse by someone close to them, because it's so hard to let go of them and be done with them. There is something in peoples' minds that says, "They're not perfect, I'll keep giving them chances" even though they might never change. They would rather endure the pain of the abuse and keep them around, than potentially finding solace in being alone. All for the sake of "love."
That's why I believe that many suffer from depression. If we are not loved enough, either by enough people or enough from at least one person, we feel our self-worth crumbling under our feet like an avalanche. We crave each others' attention. We desire affirmation constantly. If we do not get what we want, we over-evaluate ourselves. "What's wrong with me?" "Why does no one laugh at my jokes?" "I only got 1 like on my status while she got 30 on hers." Etc, etc. All to be affirmed and to be loved.
That's why I think a lot of us suffer from anxiety. We are always afraid something will go wrong, that the part of us we don't want to see will come out and be exposed. We're afraid of ridicule, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of not being accepted. All for the sake of wanting to be loved and adored.
That's why I think people have the nerve to commit suicide. This is a touchy subject, but I want to dive into it anyway... People don't feel accepted, loved, desired, so they end their lives to escape the pain. Sometimes, there are times where things happen that are incredibly bad that we can't give an explanation for. Let me just say something...
IT. IS. NEVER. WORTH. IT. EVER.
Friends, let me tell you that there is ALWAYS hope in life. I know this because I have experienced it firsthand. Jesus Christ has given me that hope during any kind of suffering I'm experiencing. I'm not claiming to be "better" than anyone else because I've accepted Him as my Savior and leader of my life. I do not even claim that my life is all daisies and sunshine, because believe me, it's not at all - I've gone through so much crap in my life because of me being a Christian. That doesn't make sense to a lot of people. So then, you may be led to ask, why are you a Christian then, if the pain could be eliminated by not being one, by not following Him? Even if you aren't personally suffering, what about the world around us? God doesn't seem to care. What then?
Because, friends, the pain is worth it all. God does care, more than we can ever believe. So much so that He sent His Son Jesus to earth. He suffered and died for all the wrongs I've done and have yet to do, all my mistakes, all the pain I've personally caused others. He rose from the grave because He desires for everyone to come to Him, rest in His love and mercy, and follow Him. He desires relationship with us just as much as we desire relationship with others, but not because He needs us. He desires relationship with us, simply because He created us and loves us. I know I am loved and accepted as His own because I have accepted Him. At the same time, I know I could never have accepted Him if He had not "chosen" me and pursued me first. If He suffered for my sins and my wrongdoings because He loved me, why can't I suffer for His sake? He endured every kind of pain possible, so He understands and sympathizes with us completely.
Take the story of Job in the Bible. ALL of his possessions were destroyed, his children were all killed, his own health was gone. All because God let Satan test Job, because Satan thought Job followed God because of all the earthly blessings He gave Job. Job didn't do anything wrong; he was a righteous man who feared and loved God. So... Why was he suffering this much? We get to know why, but he never got those answers for himself. Instead, God questioned him: "Did you create the earth and the heavens? Do YOU know how things work? etc."
Sounds intimidating, right?
It was, because Job repented of his doubtfulness of God, and his health and family and possessions were all restored to him. Despite his doubts, he never cursed God; he remained faithful in following God.
You know, I may not understand why certain things happen, but do I have to know? Am I the Creator of the Universe? Do I have the power to control the weather or the earth? Do I know all the answers to the way things work? The answer to all of these questions is: no! In a sense, God doesn't have to answer me, yet despite that He desires to give us comfort and pursues relationship with us. All things work together for good for those who love and serve Him (Romans 8:28). Even if we never experience that or see it come to pass in our lifetime, God is ALWAYS good, and He always works things out to bring about His bigger and even better plan.
THIS is why I still continue to follow Christ. In the midst of trials, He gives me peace in the storm. He gives me rest in the midst of the craziness. He gives me love in the midst of heartache.
Please, if you don't know Christ personally, or if you're really not sure about following Him, or even if it's worth it, please feel free to message me, call me, text me, etc. I wish you could all experience this great love and mercy that I have experienced, and I know you can.
Please, please know this also: there is always hope, even in the darkest times of our lives. You are always loved, even if you don't feel it. You are desired, even if you don't see it.
[A side note: I understand some of these things people suffer from are actually medical conditions and that sometimes it can't be helped. I do think, though, that some of the problem is in how we think and what we believe. Also, I would love to share my stories with any of you if you want to talk and discuss depression or anxiety.]
I have dealt with depression a lot in my life. A lot of it has been minor, but I have also experienced a lot of emotional pain from different experiences in my life. However, this isn't uncommon to many of us. We all have our secrets, our own dark sides, our own experiences, and our own baggage that we carry silently.
This is the human condition: we long to be loved in the deepest way.
Most of us will do whatever it takes to obtain that kind of love. We put on a cheerful face, we blend in, we keep up with trends, cake the makeup on our faces, we let people walk all over us... all because we long to fit in somewhere, to be accepted by society, and to be loved unconditionally.
That's why I believe many people endure emotional or physical abuse by someone close to them, because it's so hard to let go of them and be done with them. There is something in peoples' minds that says, "They're not perfect, I'll keep giving them chances" even though they might never change. They would rather endure the pain of the abuse and keep them around, than potentially finding solace in being alone. All for the sake of "love."
That's why I believe that many suffer from depression. If we are not loved enough, either by enough people or enough from at least one person, we feel our self-worth crumbling under our feet like an avalanche. We crave each others' attention. We desire affirmation constantly. If we do not get what we want, we over-evaluate ourselves. "What's wrong with me?" "Why does no one laugh at my jokes?" "I only got 1 like on my status while she got 30 on hers." Etc, etc. All to be affirmed and to be loved.
That's why I think a lot of us suffer from anxiety. We are always afraid something will go wrong, that the part of us we don't want to see will come out and be exposed. We're afraid of ridicule, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of not being accepted. All for the sake of wanting to be loved and adored.
That's why I think people have the nerve to commit suicide. This is a touchy subject, but I want to dive into it anyway... People don't feel accepted, loved, desired, so they end their lives to escape the pain. Sometimes, there are times where things happen that are incredibly bad that we can't give an explanation for. Let me just say something...
IT. IS. NEVER. WORTH. IT. EVER.
Friends, let me tell you that there is ALWAYS hope in life. I know this because I have experienced it firsthand. Jesus Christ has given me that hope during any kind of suffering I'm experiencing. I'm not claiming to be "better" than anyone else because I've accepted Him as my Savior and leader of my life. I do not even claim that my life is all daisies and sunshine, because believe me, it's not at all - I've gone through so much crap in my life because of me being a Christian. That doesn't make sense to a lot of people. So then, you may be led to ask, why are you a Christian then, if the pain could be eliminated by not being one, by not following Him? Even if you aren't personally suffering, what about the world around us? God doesn't seem to care. What then?
Because, friends, the pain is worth it all. God does care, more than we can ever believe. So much so that He sent His Son Jesus to earth. He suffered and died for all the wrongs I've done and have yet to do, all my mistakes, all the pain I've personally caused others. He rose from the grave because He desires for everyone to come to Him, rest in His love and mercy, and follow Him. He desires relationship with us just as much as we desire relationship with others, but not because He needs us. He desires relationship with us, simply because He created us and loves us. I know I am loved and accepted as His own because I have accepted Him. At the same time, I know I could never have accepted Him if He had not "chosen" me and pursued me first. If He suffered for my sins and my wrongdoings because He loved me, why can't I suffer for His sake? He endured every kind of pain possible, so He understands and sympathizes with us completely.
Take the story of Job in the Bible. ALL of his possessions were destroyed, his children were all killed, his own health was gone. All because God let Satan test Job, because Satan thought Job followed God because of all the earthly blessings He gave Job. Job didn't do anything wrong; he was a righteous man who feared and loved God. So... Why was he suffering this much? We get to know why, but he never got those answers for himself. Instead, God questioned him: "Did you create the earth and the heavens? Do YOU know how things work? etc."
Sounds intimidating, right?
It was, because Job repented of his doubtfulness of God, and his health and family and possessions were all restored to him. Despite his doubts, he never cursed God; he remained faithful in following God.
You know, I may not understand why certain things happen, but do I have to know? Am I the Creator of the Universe? Do I have the power to control the weather or the earth? Do I know all the answers to the way things work? The answer to all of these questions is: no! In a sense, God doesn't have to answer me, yet despite that He desires to give us comfort and pursues relationship with us. All things work together for good for those who love and serve Him (Romans 8:28). Even if we never experience that or see it come to pass in our lifetime, God is ALWAYS good, and He always works things out to bring about His bigger and even better plan.
THIS is why I still continue to follow Christ. In the midst of trials, He gives me peace in the storm. He gives me rest in the midst of the craziness. He gives me love in the midst of heartache.
Please, if you don't know Christ personally, or if you're really not sure about following Him, or even if it's worth it, please feel free to message me, call me, text me, etc. I wish you could all experience this great love and mercy that I have experienced, and I know you can.
Please, please know this also: there is always hope, even in the darkest times of our lives. You are always loved, even if you don't feel it. You are desired, even if you don't see it.
[A side note: I understand some of these things people suffer from are actually medical conditions and that sometimes it can't be helped. I do think, though, that some of the problem is in how we think and what we believe. Also, I would love to share my stories with any of you if you want to talk and discuss depression or anxiety.]
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