"O, may angels glorify him incessantly,
and if possible, prostrate themselves lower
before the blessed King of heaven!
I long to bear a part with them in ceaseless praise;
But when I have done all I can to eternity
I shall not be able to offer more than a small fraction of the homage
that the glorious God deserves.
Give me a heart full of divine, heavenly love."
-- The Valley of Vision
I went to the Gathering (Sunday evening service at JBU) tonight for the first time in a long time, because I live off campus and usually am not around on the weekend. I got to sit in a pew and listen to a guy tell his story that of course had an affect on me, because God is cool like that and everything happens for a reason. He shared his story of how he had become passionate about sharing the Gospel with unreached people groups and being involved in all sorts of things, and how he had to learn to put all that aside and simply love God. It struck me because I am kind of in the same place.
This last semester of college has been hectic so far, and I have loved every minute of it. From being one of the female leads in the musical, to preparing for my senior recital, to working part time, to helping two choirs, to teaching guitar/voice lessons... My life is crazy busy. But I've always liked it that way. I've always wanted to feel wanted/needed.
For so long, I had prayed and prayed that God would provide ways that I could help others and get more involved in doing things that I wanted to do and things that would prepare me for the future. And praise to Him, He has provided so many! However, my semester has kind of come to a halt in the past week because I got sick. I had a viral infection/laryngitis, which is literally the worst thing that can happen to a singer. And I happen to need to be singing a LOT this semester. Being in bed for two days straight and coughing all the time has been unbearable for me. Instead of resting, I've felt stressed because of everything I need to get done.
The problem with that, though, is that I have to get well and stay well before I can really be effective in anything.
While I'm progressing in getting better, I'm still not completely recovered, and I still need to rest my body and take care of myself. However, I always put everyone first before myself, and that makes me happy to see them happy and to be needed. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to say "no" to someone. I've gotten better at being able to tell people "no" if I need to, but it's still not easy for me.
The guy I listened to at the Gathering spoke of the story of Mary and Martha. Of course, we know the story of how Martha was making preparations for Jesus and his followers, and how Mary didn't help her; Martha got upset at Mary and basically tattled on her to Jesus. But Jesus loving told Martha that Mary was doing the right thing, and that it wouldn't be taken away from her. I do this ALL the time; I equate busyness with my worth as a person, how much of a better person can I be. This is a completely false way of thinking, but it's hard not to when I find my worth in others needing me and appreciating me. The thing is, though, it's not about me at all.
Lesson learned from this: busy does NOT equal being a better person. It's a lot of fun, but it can catch up to you, and it can distract you from simply sitting at the Savior's feet and learning more about Him and simply loving Him. Of course there is always a need somewhere, and being involved is a good thing. But like the guy at the Gathering said, "I put the means above the end." ...I tend to do that with a lot of things.
I love the prayer that I posted at the top, because it is a good reminder that even if I participate in everything I possibly can in life, it is only a fraction of God's plan for the world. I am not all there is. Life isn't about me. It's all about Him, and He will be glorified in more than what I have to offer. Thanks be to Him that He still accepts what I do as an offering towards Him, even if my intentions are not always straight!
Father, forgive me for not loving You with my whole heart and mind.
As scary as it sounds, overwhelm my life, in every aspect.
Change my heart.
