A Letter to Me.

Dear Lauren,

You had no idea.

Even just last semester you were struggling. Struggling with contentment, with relationships around you, with uncertainty of the future. You were questioning "why" on a lot of things. You created plans and were going to be a witness to people in the workplace and summer school. Or so you thought. You had no idea.

You didn't know.

With plans all made and set in the stone of your head and heart, you were certain that summer would be crazy busy, with all of the work that you would do at McAlister's and NWACC. You came to the conclusion that you would have no social life. But you finally became content. You had one day of freedom the day after your first day of work, and you wanted to spend it with a good friend. You didn't know that one choice and one action would change your plans and your life. You didn't know.

It was hard.

It hurt when you fell into the creek. All it took was one split second. Forgetting how to brake. A scream. Tumbling down, not knowing when you were going to stop, not knowing if you were going to die. A sore hip, a stinging forehead, a throbbing ankle, a scraped up body and four wheeler. Rips and blood stains on your favorite pair of jeans (which you had to cut up and throw away later). It was hard to get up from the creek. You had to have help. It was hard to even have help, because you were so independent; you didn't think you needed anyone to save you. But you did. And he was more than willing to help you.

It was hard to learn how to use crutches. It was hard to hear the bad news of not being able to keep your job and classes; it was hard to keep those tears from falling in the doctor's office. It was hard to let your daddy see you and hold you while you cried out in the parking lot. It was hard to not bend your knee at all for three straight weeks. It was hard to bear the early morning pains in your heel from not moving your leg around enough that night. It was hard (at first) to swallow that pill every single day. It was hard to be confined to a bed and a couch for almost a month, when you were so used to being busy running to-and-fro. It was hard to not go anywhere but the doctor's office for almost a month. It was hard wearing a boot for 9 weeks after that. It was hard to not be able to exercise and do normal things for 3 months. It. Was. HARD.

But then . . . it was worth it.

It was worth it to see Matt every few days. It was worth it to grow in your friendship and relationship with him. It was worth it to have good friends there with you to keep you company while you were bed/couch-ridden. It was worth it to be able to relax. It was worth it to be able to paint again. It was worth it to write about anything you wanted to. It was worth it to learn that staying at home is a good thing. It was worth it to learn to slow down. It was worth it to have the simple joy of walking without help again.

But most of all, it was worth it all to be a huge witness to the people around you. You LOVE telling people the story of what all happened to you this summer (which is why you write about it a lot, also). It's a story that definitely gives God all the glory and shows His active and protective hand in not only in your own life but in others' lives as well.

It was also worth it all to learn that God's plans are the best plans. Nothing you could ever plan yourself would be even close to what He had/still has in mind for you. This is another cause for you to give all the glory to God.

Never forget to do that in all you do.

With the hopes that you'll continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of Him,
Me.

Sinking in a Sea of Stress

It's been a while since I've posted on here. And for good reason. I have been so incredibly busy with school and homework and trying to keep up with my family, friends, and boyfriend. I've come to find out very quickly that taking 18 hours is quite stressful. In fact, I stayed home from classes today because I've been sick all day, and it's probably stress-related.

I don't handle stress well. I try to on the outside, but I get so worried about getting everything done and doing it right that the following happens: 1. I am too focused on trying to get stuff done more than actually learning what I'm working on, and 2. I become physically worn out, leaving my body a wreck that makes me become sick easily.

I'd like to think I am a hard worker; at least I try to be. I feel like I've worked harder this semester out of the three semesters I've been in college. I think it's because I HAVE to work hard . . . with so much going on, I don't want to fall behind and slack off in a class, thus leaving my grades to slip and fall. I think that's what my problem is: I've become so focused on getting good grades that I'm making myself sick over it. Why am I doing this to myself?

I talked with my mom about it tonight, and I came to the conclusion that this is the first semester that I actually care about succeeding in school. Not just "getting by," but REALLY succeeding. Not that I haven't wanted to in the past, I think it's just more apparent this semester. I've been pushing myself to be perfect, which I know deep down that it's not possible. So why do I do it?

It comes down to this: deep down, I have a huge struggle with pride. I think everyone does to some extent, but it hasn't really affected me until this semester. I look at my classmates who look like they are able to perform so easily and flawlessly, and here I am practicing my tail off in my music and feel like I am so behind and lacking in talent compared to them. I look at my peers and see that they are excelling in all of their music classes with such ease; I spend hours and hours on one assignment, and feel more stressed about getting it done than learning it, and end up feeling stupid compared to them. That's just it: I'm comparing myself to other people. Why can't I be a super genius like them? Why can't I be the great singer like some of my peers are? Why does it seem like they excel with almost no effort while I toil away studying for hours, giving up all of my free time for homework, and feel like I'm getting nowhere?

It got to the point where I was debating with myself last night over whether or not I should even be a music major. (I came to the conclusion that I need to stick with it, because I'm almost halfway through with my music classes anyway.)

There are two things I need to do to fix all of my problems/worries/stresses. (Yes, only two!)

• Take one thing at a time.
• DO NOT COMPARE MYSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE.

Seems too easy, right? Especially since I've come to find that most things in my life right now are hard. I guess it's easier said than done. If I keep telling myself over and over that I AM making good progress and that I am doing my best, maybe I'll believe it for real. As far as stress goes in getting everything done, I have my momma to thank for telling me to just take one thing at a time. That's all I really can do . . . I would love good grades and I'd like for them to reflect the hard work I've been doing, but you know what? Grades do not define who I am. I am a child of God! As long as I try my best and rely on Him for peace and contentment, then that's all that matters. I can glorify Him by doing my best but if I look over at what someone else is doing and get jealous or become slightly uncontent, I am not glorifying Him the way I should. 

I'm hoping I can get back up on my feet tomorrow morning and get back to work so I don't fall behind . . . but this time, with a good attitude and to work hard for the RIGHT reasons.