Sinking in a Sea of Stress

It's been a while since I've posted on here. And for good reason. I have been so incredibly busy with school and homework and trying to keep up with my family, friends, and boyfriend. I've come to find out very quickly that taking 18 hours is quite stressful. In fact, I stayed home from classes today because I've been sick all day, and it's probably stress-related.

I don't handle stress well. I try to on the outside, but I get so worried about getting everything done and doing it right that the following happens: 1. I am too focused on trying to get stuff done more than actually learning what I'm working on, and 2. I become physically worn out, leaving my body a wreck that makes me become sick easily.

I'd like to think I am a hard worker; at least I try to be. I feel like I've worked harder this semester out of the three semesters I've been in college. I think it's because I HAVE to work hard . . . with so much going on, I don't want to fall behind and slack off in a class, thus leaving my grades to slip and fall. I think that's what my problem is: I've become so focused on getting good grades that I'm making myself sick over it. Why am I doing this to myself?

I talked with my mom about it tonight, and I came to the conclusion that this is the first semester that I actually care about succeeding in school. Not just "getting by," but REALLY succeeding. Not that I haven't wanted to in the past, I think it's just more apparent this semester. I've been pushing myself to be perfect, which I know deep down that it's not possible. So why do I do it?

It comes down to this: deep down, I have a huge struggle with pride. I think everyone does to some extent, but it hasn't really affected me until this semester. I look at my classmates who look like they are able to perform so easily and flawlessly, and here I am practicing my tail off in my music and feel like I am so behind and lacking in talent compared to them. I look at my peers and see that they are excelling in all of their music classes with such ease; I spend hours and hours on one assignment, and feel more stressed about getting it done than learning it, and end up feeling stupid compared to them. That's just it: I'm comparing myself to other people. Why can't I be a super genius like them? Why can't I be the great singer like some of my peers are? Why does it seem like they excel with almost no effort while I toil away studying for hours, giving up all of my free time for homework, and feel like I'm getting nowhere?

It got to the point where I was debating with myself last night over whether or not I should even be a music major. (I came to the conclusion that I need to stick with it, because I'm almost halfway through with my music classes anyway.)

There are two things I need to do to fix all of my problems/worries/stresses. (Yes, only two!)

• Take one thing at a time.
• DO NOT COMPARE MYSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE.

Seems too easy, right? Especially since I've come to find that most things in my life right now are hard. I guess it's easier said than done. If I keep telling myself over and over that I AM making good progress and that I am doing my best, maybe I'll believe it for real. As far as stress goes in getting everything done, I have my momma to thank for telling me to just take one thing at a time. That's all I really can do . . . I would love good grades and I'd like for them to reflect the hard work I've been doing, but you know what? Grades do not define who I am. I am a child of God! As long as I try my best and rely on Him for peace and contentment, then that's all that matters. I can glorify Him by doing my best but if I look over at what someone else is doing and get jealous or become slightly uncontent, I am not glorifying Him the way I should. 

I'm hoping I can get back up on my feet tomorrow morning and get back to work so I don't fall behind . . . but this time, with a good attitude and to work hard for the RIGHT reasons.