Les Miserables was a movie that I had wanted to see for months - Matt agreed to take me, and we decided that tonight was as good as any to go see it. I had seen SO many Facebook posts about how people cried while watching this movie, and I thought to myself, "Oh, I probably won't cry, and I won't make a big deal out of the movie." Well, guess what... I teared up, and I geeked out with my friends over video chat afterwards.
I think what makes this movie (and the story in general) so popular and so well-loved by many is that it doesn't guarantee a happy ending, it's more realistic, and many elements of it were incredibly relatable. I think what makes it such a great movie altogether was the fact that I saw a number of things that related to my own walk with Christ.
First of all, Jean Valjean (main character) was convicted of a crime and served 19 years in slavery/imprisonment for it. We are all slaves to sin, from the moment we are born. Even though Jean Valjean became a free man after he served his time, he wasn't really free. He had to carry a piece of paper that told others what he had done and who he was. It was his mark of shame. That's like sin in our lives - even though we can try to free ourselves from the bondage of sin, we can't. There is nothing we could do to ever get rid of it ourselves. It is the mark of a human being.
Jean Valjean then is saved by a kind and merciful priest who brought him into his dwelling and provided him with food and drink. Even though Jean Valjean tried to steal from him and was brought back to him by soldiers, the priest was still kind to him and freed him from the soldiers' hands (and the possibility of having to go back into slavery). That is like God with us - He is a loving, merciful God who, even when we fail Him and sin against Him, for those who are His, we are not only pardoned, but continually being loved no less than if we hadn't sinned against Him. However, also like the priest to Jean Valjean, God challenges us to go out into the world and be lights for the Kingdom in a very dark, hopeless world. Jean Valjean then becomes convicted of what he has done and vows to bring justice and mercy to the world and start over - "Jean Valjean is no more!" He puts his past behind him, and starts over.
Years down the road, Valjean becomes mayor of a town in France (don't remember exactly where) and owns his own factory, all under another identity and name. He treats all of the people who work for him and everyone else with decency, respect, gentleness, and mercy. He rescues a man from an accident, and a woman named Fantine from the life of prostitution, then vows to raise her little daughter. He is the model of how a true believer of Christ ought to act. Micah 6:8 says, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Valjean was always merciful and just, even to Javert who never paid him any kindness: the hardest to love and be merciful to. He was humble in his acts of mercy and kindness; he never boasted about anything he did.
Going back to Fantine, she is another example of one enslaved by sin, but in another way. She chose the lifestyle she lived, but after a point, she felt trapped and couldn't escape it. She couldn't escape it on her own; she needed help. Jean Valjean rescued her and got her to a hospital to be cared for, only for her to die soon after. However, she was free from the life she had lived, and the little bit of life she lived after he rescued her, was changed because of his kindness. Our mercy and kindness to others can change their lives and can be such a light to them, too, if we humble ourselves enough to help them.
When Javert told the mayor (Valjean) about him catching who he thought was Jean Valjean, Valjean debated with himself whether to confess and let the other man go free. He could confess and be condemned, or stay silent and be damned. He comes to the realization that he couldn't hide his real identity and his past forever and that he couldn't let an innocent man be condemned and live the life that he lived. His faith in God gave him the strength to be truthful even when it was incredibly hard to be so.
Javert is another character I want to dig into. I think I had the most sympathy for him, more than anyone else in the movie. I know it's weird, but I'll explain why. You'll notice that he is always doing what is right in his own eyes. Every villain does, if you think about it. Javert claimed to be a follower of God, too, but not a real one: he thought he was more righteous than most others, by carrying out the law. He was just, but he was not merciful or humble. He always looked down on others for their crimes, their past, or their living conditions. If they have brought themselves to this life that they are currently living, then they have fallen from grace altogether and don't deserve mercy; the law is more important. I sympathize most with him, because he fell for the lie of legalism, and I fell into that trap years ago myself. Following the rules was more important than anything else. Not much love and compassion for others. Thank God I have been redeemed and saved by grace, and my life has hope . . . unlike Javert's fate.
So . . . "Who am I?" I ask myself like Valjean does in the story. I am Jean Valjean in the sense that I am a follower of Christ with a past, that has been saved by grace through faith, trying to live a life of obedience to God. I am Fantine, because I chose the lifestyle that I lived, and I couldn't get myself out of it, but God had mercy on me and pulled me out of it, changing my life forever. I am Javert, because even though I no longer live a life of legalism, I still have tendencies every now and then and still am in need of grace even though my pride is very large.
I am a simple human being, a believer, a continually humbled woman. Lord, let me live a life of justice, mercy, and humility. Never let me forget the beauty of His free gift of salvation, by grace and through faith alone.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
The Thief of Joy
"Comparison is the thief of joy."
I read that quote somewhere online in the past year or so, and I haven't forgotten it. It's short, sweet, and to the point. Not only that, but it is one hundred percent true. There are so many ways in which this applies, but I'll only name a major few.
Social networking sites, like any other thing on earth, have their pros: you can keep in touch with those old friends, family, co-workers, other students, etc. that you don't see as often that you still want to keep in touch with, it's an easy way to share exciting things going on in your life, it's instant, and it's free. However, they also have their cons, one of them being that when looking at other peoples' lives online, you become jealous of the significant other they have, the friends they have, the "popularity" they have, their other possessions, etc. We covet what seems to be their "perfect" lives.
That's the thing, though: we forget that absolutely NO ONE has a perfect life. Not even that girl you keep following on Instagram that makes you roll your eyes, or even your old neighbor who seems to be living the "high life" on Facebook. Nobody's got it all figured out. They might appear to, but they don't. Not completely anyway.
The major problem with social networks is that we compare everyone else's biggest moments and highlights and compare them to our ordinary lives, which seem to be so incredibly dull to others.
Lately, I've been having this problem myself. With finals out of the way, I felt a relief with my grades - I did the best I could possibly do, I worked my tail off, and I was able to keep my scholarships! However, as more and more people are finding out their GPA's, they post their successes on Facebook. I can't even tell you how frustrated I am with those that manage to ALWAYS get a 4.0 GPA every semester, while I'm barely staying afloat with my 3.1 this semester.
That's another point I want to make. If there's one thing about high school and college that I can't stand, it's the whole GPA thing. Who came up with that anyway? I mean, I get it: you want as many scholarships as you can possibly get, and you want to keep them while you're in college. I get that. I am just so frustrated because it seems like I work my tail off all semester as a music student trying to get at least a few A's while there are those non-music majors that get 100's and A's on everything that comes at them. (Okay, I'm done with my rant now...)
As I step back from all that and take everything into perspective, grades, GPA's, my possessions, my popularity - none of that matters in the long run. I am a child of God who is pursuing an education in something that I love, something that God has gifted me in, and therefore is something that I know glorifies God. Why can't I just accept that and be content?
Because I compare myself with other people.
Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-12, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." Then afterwards comes the all too familiar verse that some tend to take out of context: "I can do all things through him who strengthens me" (v. 13). Even though Paul was suffering through and speaking about persecution at this time, I think this truth still applies. Whatever situation God has you living through, whether it be dull, heartbreaking, or even overly exciting, we need to learn to be content with where we are and what we have.
Even though I don't have it all figured out, and even though I don't have a 4.0 GPA in school, I am His child who He loves. No one is going to judge you based on if you flunked that history final ten years down the road. However, your actions, even in school, reflect your heart: if you're giving your best to God, He will bless you for it in some way. Maybe not in the near future, but He will. It seems like I have to remind myself of this constantly . . .
May I truly believe it deep down, and may I never forget it.
I read that quote somewhere online in the past year or so, and I haven't forgotten it. It's short, sweet, and to the point. Not only that, but it is one hundred percent true. There are so many ways in which this applies, but I'll only name a major few.
Social networking sites, like any other thing on earth, have their pros: you can keep in touch with those old friends, family, co-workers, other students, etc. that you don't see as often that you still want to keep in touch with, it's an easy way to share exciting things going on in your life, it's instant, and it's free. However, they also have their cons, one of them being that when looking at other peoples' lives online, you become jealous of the significant other they have, the friends they have, the "popularity" they have, their other possessions, etc. We covet what seems to be their "perfect" lives.
That's the thing, though: we forget that absolutely NO ONE has a perfect life. Not even that girl you keep following on Instagram that makes you roll your eyes, or even your old neighbor who seems to be living the "high life" on Facebook. Nobody's got it all figured out. They might appear to, but they don't. Not completely anyway.
The major problem with social networks is that we compare everyone else's biggest moments and highlights and compare them to our ordinary lives, which seem to be so incredibly dull to others.
Lately, I've been having this problem myself. With finals out of the way, I felt a relief with my grades - I did the best I could possibly do, I worked my tail off, and I was able to keep my scholarships! However, as more and more people are finding out their GPA's, they post their successes on Facebook. I can't even tell you how frustrated I am with those that manage to ALWAYS get a 4.0 GPA every semester, while I'm barely staying afloat with my 3.1 this semester.
That's another point I want to make. If there's one thing about high school and college that I can't stand, it's the whole GPA thing. Who came up with that anyway? I mean, I get it: you want as many scholarships as you can possibly get, and you want to keep them while you're in college. I get that. I am just so frustrated because it seems like I work my tail off all semester as a music student trying to get at least a few A's while there are those non-music majors that get 100's and A's on everything that comes at them. (Okay, I'm done with my rant now...)
As I step back from all that and take everything into perspective, grades, GPA's, my possessions, my popularity - none of that matters in the long run. I am a child of God who is pursuing an education in something that I love, something that God has gifted me in, and therefore is something that I know glorifies God. Why can't I just accept that and be content?
Because I compare myself with other people.
Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-12, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." Then afterwards comes the all too familiar verse that some tend to take out of context: "I can do all things through him who strengthens me" (v. 13). Even though Paul was suffering through and speaking about persecution at this time, I think this truth still applies. Whatever situation God has you living through, whether it be dull, heartbreaking, or even overly exciting, we need to learn to be content with where we are and what we have.
Even though I don't have it all figured out, and even though I don't have a 4.0 GPA in school, I am His child who He loves. No one is going to judge you based on if you flunked that history final ten years down the road. However, your actions, even in school, reflect your heart: if you're giving your best to God, He will bless you for it in some way. Maybe not in the near future, but He will. It seems like I have to remind myself of this constantly . . .
May I truly believe it deep down, and may I never forget it.
Friday, December 14, 2012
In the Bleak Pre-Winter.
There are heavy hearts all across America right now. What happened today in Connecticut was a very heartbreaking, tragic thing; no one can deny that. It's interesting to me, though, because I stop myself when I notice myself and so many other people questioning, "Why would someone do something so terrible?"
The answer is pretty simple: We are all born into sin. Being sinful isn't just being imperfect, though. Being sinful is more than that; it's being enemies of God. We all deserve punishment: death. "That's kind of extreme, don't you think?" Well, yeah, it is. But if we were all good people deep down, why would we need a Savior?
Christmas is a fun time of year. Some people would say, "It's the most wonderful time of year!" And so it probably is. (It's my favorite, too!) There are many memories made around this time of year: baking cookies, spending time with family and friends, good food, and of course you can't forget the Christmas lights! Why do we do all of this, though?
We hear people on the radio, on street corners, and everywhere in tarnation telling us that "Jesus is the reason for the season!" And so it is. I have no problem with those people; what they say is absolutely true. How many of us, though, really know WHY Jesus is the reason? We hear the Christmas story all the time, but do people really believe it? I think if people truly believed this story, and the Gospel itself, then we would be more excited and ready to share those things with everyone we knew; we would want to tell the whole world! As I'm writing this and thinking all of this through, the Holy Spirit convicts me because I know that I am not doing that. Why am I not telling everyone this good news? Am I afraid? Not really. Am I ashamed? Not at all. So then, what's my problem? I think personally, that I take my salvation for granted a lot of the time. I live in America, where I can pray, go to church 2-3 times a week, have enough money to live in a nice house and go to a Christian university, buy and download worship songs to put on my iphone, etc. I live in America, where I am not persecuted for my faith. I don't have an urgency to share the Gospel, because the Gospel is not at threat here in America... Or is it? Either way, I am becoming more thankful for the grace He has given to me, for the call to live and be with Him forever. The keyword is becoming... it's definitely a process. I hope I can become even more thankful for that precious gift.
I sat around a small group of women, young and older this afternoon, and one of the women shared with us how she found out that at the school she and several other women serve at, NONE of the kids knew the real reason for Christmas; all they knew about was the material things about it. They had no clue that Christmas was about Jesus. How sad and heartbreaking is that? Then I think of all those kids that were shot today at the elementary school... How many of THEM were ever told about Jesus?
The shooting today is worthy of mourning. Many lost their lives and many more lost their loved ones. In the midst of all of this, God gave us hope. God became a man. A real man, with human body parts, emotions and feelings like hunger, temptation, and grief. The celebration of Christmas is a celebration of hope. In the midst of this dark world, this Light came. From the manger to the cross, Christ carried out God's plan of salvation for those who are His. Because of Him, we are free. We have a hope and a future. I thank God that this world is not our real home. We have something more beautiful and wonderful than we could ever imagine waiting for us. Oh what a glorious day that will be!
Forgive us, Lord for our lack of urgency about sharing the hard, but beautiful Gospel. Forgive our apathy. Help us to recognize the sinfulness in this world. Give us all an urgency for sharing Your truths, Your love, and Your way, the only way. May we as believers let our light shine in the darkness.
The answer is pretty simple: We are all born into sin. Being sinful isn't just being imperfect, though. Being sinful is more than that; it's being enemies of God. We all deserve punishment: death. "That's kind of extreme, don't you think?" Well, yeah, it is. But if we were all good people deep down, why would we need a Savior?
Christmas is a fun time of year. Some people would say, "It's the most wonderful time of year!" And so it probably is. (It's my favorite, too!) There are many memories made around this time of year: baking cookies, spending time with family and friends, good food, and of course you can't forget the Christmas lights! Why do we do all of this, though?
We hear people on the radio, on street corners, and everywhere in tarnation telling us that "Jesus is the reason for the season!" And so it is. I have no problem with those people; what they say is absolutely true. How many of us, though, really know WHY Jesus is the reason? We hear the Christmas story all the time, but do people really believe it? I think if people truly believed this story, and the Gospel itself, then we would be more excited and ready to share those things with everyone we knew; we would want to tell the whole world! As I'm writing this and thinking all of this through, the Holy Spirit convicts me because I know that I am not doing that. Why am I not telling everyone this good news? Am I afraid? Not really. Am I ashamed? Not at all. So then, what's my problem? I think personally, that I take my salvation for granted a lot of the time. I live in America, where I can pray, go to church 2-3 times a week, have enough money to live in a nice house and go to a Christian university, buy and download worship songs to put on my iphone, etc. I live in America, where I am not persecuted for my faith. I don't have an urgency to share the Gospel, because the Gospel is not at threat here in America... Or is it? Either way, I am becoming more thankful for the grace He has given to me, for the call to live and be with Him forever. The keyword is becoming... it's definitely a process. I hope I can become even more thankful for that precious gift.
I sat around a small group of women, young and older this afternoon, and one of the women shared with us how she found out that at the school she and several other women serve at, NONE of the kids knew the real reason for Christmas; all they knew about was the material things about it. They had no clue that Christmas was about Jesus. How sad and heartbreaking is that? Then I think of all those kids that were shot today at the elementary school... How many of THEM were ever told about Jesus?
The shooting today is worthy of mourning. Many lost their lives and many more lost their loved ones. In the midst of all of this, God gave us hope. God became a man. A real man, with human body parts, emotions and feelings like hunger, temptation, and grief. The celebration of Christmas is a celebration of hope. In the midst of this dark world, this Light came. From the manger to the cross, Christ carried out God's plan of salvation for those who are His. Because of Him, we are free. We have a hope and a future. I thank God that this world is not our real home. We have something more beautiful and wonderful than we could ever imagine waiting for us. Oh what a glorious day that will be!
Forgive us, Lord for our lack of urgency about sharing the hard, but beautiful Gospel. Forgive our apathy. Help us to recognize the sinfulness in this world. Give us all an urgency for sharing Your truths, Your love, and Your way, the only way. May we as believers let our light shine in the darkness.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Semester Reflections.
The semester's almost over. Unlike the past two, this one zoomed by. "Where did the time go?" I find myself asking others in normal conversations. There's so much that I've pondered.
I remember the beginning of the semester feeling just overwhelmed because I was taking 18 hours at the time (including being in a musical). I dropped out of the musical eventually because 1. I had an insignificant role and wouldn't be terribly missed, and 2. It took so much time away from me and added so much stress. After that, I felt so free and at peace with my life. It was hard, because I love acting and singing (and both combined!), but I knew it was the right decision.
In adding to that, I truly learned not to overcommit. I knew I had always had that problem, but it really stood out to me this semester. Saying no is hard for me, because I love helping people and being involved in everything. (Plus I'm a WOO - which means I'm an extreme extrovert! JBU people know what I'm talking about.) But at some point, I wear myself out and become extremely stressed and overwhelmed with all of it; then I forget the point of why I'm doing all these things and they become more of a burden than a blessing. So, believe it or not, I've learned to say no. I'm still working on it, though. In fact, the other day at my voice lesson, my voice teacher asked me if I would be interested in singing for a nursing home (or something of the like?) after finals. I said "yes" at first, but my mind was plagued with worry throughout the rest of the lesson, with questions like, "What would I sing? How many programs am I singing for besides this one anyway? Where is this place? Wait a minute, I don't even know these people!!" So, at the end of the lesson, I apologized to her and told her I couldn't do it. I felt better that I had said no afterwards.
Speaking of getting worn out with things, I've become more of a home-body this semester. That's kind of a big deal for me, because in the past, I never wanted to be at home. I would spend as much time as I could with my friends on campus. I think part of the reason for wanting to be at home more has to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend now, who doesn't go to JBU and so we hang out at my house on the weekends. I also think part of it has to do with what happened to me this summer; with a broken leg, I learned to entertain myself at home, and I grew to love it. Even this semester, it's nice to come home and get a hug from my mom and make myself a cup of peppermint tea, do my own laundry for free, and study in my own room. Part of saying no to things is sometimes saying no to social gatherings/parties. For instance, last night after Candlelight was the J. Alvin (all-guys' dorm) Christmas party; friends asked me if I would go. If they had asked me last year, I would've said, "YES!" with no hesitation. This year, however, I declined immediately because I knew I would be tired and that I needed to go home right after the concert and go to bed.
I don't know if college does this with everybody, but I think I've become more introverted this year. I do appreciate coming home every night and having quite a bit of alone time. Maybe I'm just becoming more aware of my limitations: physically, emotionally, and mentally.
This semester was actually one of a lack of spiritual growth. Which sounds awful, but I recognized that I didn't grow as much as I did over the summer. I know people go through times of spiking growth and even times of not-so-much growth, but I had even questioned whether I was making any difference in anyone's life: was I being a good witness to others? Was I showing Christ to them? What was I doing that would contribute to the Kingdom? At one point, I felt like a failure in all of these different ways. Then, an acquaintance of mine Facebook messaged me, and asked me how I was so successful. I was very confused because I thought to myself, "What could I have possibly been successful at?" They responded to my question with how I seemed to be such a great friend and student, so talented at music.. how did I do it? I was a bit curious, because I didn't think I had been that successful as a student, and I don't think too highly of myself as far as my music goes. I always try to be the best friend I can be though, I would like for people to rely on me for anything and to be there for people. Anywho, it was a great encouragement to me, because it showed I had made an impact on at least one person's life. That is one of my biggest goals in life: to show Christ and make an impact on others' lives, whether it be with my music or the way I interact with others. Just recently in the past few weeks, I've been reading my Bible on my own more often, and have been getting back on track in my walk with Christ. I am so thankful that He is faithful, even when I am not.
Lately, I have also been frustrated with myself in choir. I love Women's Chorus very much, but I have been frustrated with myself because I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to music, and I get annoyed sometimes when we don't perform songs the way I think they should be performed. Part of that comes with pride - I have a very musical background, and I feel as though I have to live up to the greatness of my family members involved in music. I know they are all proud of me and support me no matter what, but it still puts some pressure on me regardless. Last night after the concert, I went home and when I went to bed, I laid there thinking, "Is it even worth it?" They need you. "...Really?" Yes. "Well, I know I'm an older girl, and we do have a lot of freshmen in our group; we do every year. There's not many older girls that stay in Women's Chorus." No, there's not. They need you. "Ugh... Really?" and so on. I finally gave up trying to resolve the argument I was having with myself in my head and drifted off to sleep. Tonight, we all gathered in the theory room on the first floor of the cathedral, and one of the young women shared that she needed prayer for strength to get through the Candlelight service and the whole Christmas season because she lost her dad to cancer in August. We all sat/stood around her, laying hands on her. With tear-filled eyes, we prayed for her, praying truth and Scripture to her. As we all prayed, I was encouraged listening to everyone's words of encouragement, comfort, and earnestness. Another young woman shared her testimony and shared the passage of Habakkuk 3:17-18, which says: "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation." She told us that we may not see the light in tough situations in this life, or blessings come out of hard times, but we do have one blessing: that God is the light of our salvation, and He has redeemed us. What a beautiful truth, and I am very grateful for it to be shared with me tonight. Tonight has reminded me that God may not always reveal the reason why things happen, and we may not see fruit or the blessing that comes with a trial, but everything He does has a purpose, and He is always good. Tonight has also reminded me that He has blessed me with a diverse, yet wonderful group of women in Women's Chorus, and that the fellowship and unity we have with each other is absolutely beautiful. Another thing to add on top of that is this: I was again reminded of why I want to go into ministry. I have a heart for young women, and I want to minister to them, teach them, disciple them. We'll see where God leads.
I also was accepted as a finalist for Next Big Thing at JBU again. (NO, it is not the same thing as the one on Disney Channel, for those still wondering. Haha!) I actually didn't think I would make it. Not that I think of myself as a horrible musician/songwriter, but there was more competition this year than there was last year, and I know there are a ton of talented people at JBU. Just because I made it last year, that doesn't guarantee me a spot this year. I just thought to myself, "Surely not me... There are so many other people better than me out there." Nevertheless, I was accepted again! God gave me a joyful yes! This is a second chance: will I use the gifts and talents that God has given to me to give glory back to Him and to minister to others? We shall also see where this journey leads this year.
I pray next semester will be even better, with more for me to learn and more growth in all areas of my life. May I never forget that He is the giver of good gifts, and may I never squander what He has given to me. May my life always reflect Jesus, and may I speak truth to others in every possible way. Amen, let it be so.
I remember the beginning of the semester feeling just overwhelmed because I was taking 18 hours at the time (including being in a musical). I dropped out of the musical eventually because 1. I had an insignificant role and wouldn't be terribly missed, and 2. It took so much time away from me and added so much stress. After that, I felt so free and at peace with my life. It was hard, because I love acting and singing (and both combined!), but I knew it was the right decision.
In adding to that, I truly learned not to overcommit. I knew I had always had that problem, but it really stood out to me this semester. Saying no is hard for me, because I love helping people and being involved in everything. (Plus I'm a WOO - which means I'm an extreme extrovert! JBU people know what I'm talking about.) But at some point, I wear myself out and become extremely stressed and overwhelmed with all of it; then I forget the point of why I'm doing all these things and they become more of a burden than a blessing. So, believe it or not, I've learned to say no. I'm still working on it, though. In fact, the other day at my voice lesson, my voice teacher asked me if I would be interested in singing for a nursing home (or something of the like?) after finals. I said "yes" at first, but my mind was plagued with worry throughout the rest of the lesson, with questions like, "What would I sing? How many programs am I singing for besides this one anyway? Where is this place? Wait a minute, I don't even know these people!!" So, at the end of the lesson, I apologized to her and told her I couldn't do it. I felt better that I had said no afterwards.
Speaking of getting worn out with things, I've become more of a home-body this semester. That's kind of a big deal for me, because in the past, I never wanted to be at home. I would spend as much time as I could with my friends on campus. I think part of the reason for wanting to be at home more has to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend now, who doesn't go to JBU and so we hang out at my house on the weekends. I also think part of it has to do with what happened to me this summer; with a broken leg, I learned to entertain myself at home, and I grew to love it. Even this semester, it's nice to come home and get a hug from my mom and make myself a cup of peppermint tea, do my own laundry for free, and study in my own room. Part of saying no to things is sometimes saying no to social gatherings/parties. For instance, last night after Candlelight was the J. Alvin (all-guys' dorm) Christmas party; friends asked me if I would go. If they had asked me last year, I would've said, "YES!" with no hesitation. This year, however, I declined immediately because I knew I would be tired and that I needed to go home right after the concert and go to bed.
I don't know if college does this with everybody, but I think I've become more introverted this year. I do appreciate coming home every night and having quite a bit of alone time. Maybe I'm just becoming more aware of my limitations: physically, emotionally, and mentally.
This semester was actually one of a lack of spiritual growth. Which sounds awful, but I recognized that I didn't grow as much as I did over the summer. I know people go through times of spiking growth and even times of not-so-much growth, but I had even questioned whether I was making any difference in anyone's life: was I being a good witness to others? Was I showing Christ to them? What was I doing that would contribute to the Kingdom? At one point, I felt like a failure in all of these different ways. Then, an acquaintance of mine Facebook messaged me, and asked me how I was so successful. I was very confused because I thought to myself, "What could I have possibly been successful at?" They responded to my question with how I seemed to be such a great friend and student, so talented at music.. how did I do it? I was a bit curious, because I didn't think I had been that successful as a student, and I don't think too highly of myself as far as my music goes. I always try to be the best friend I can be though, I would like for people to rely on me for anything and to be there for people. Anywho, it was a great encouragement to me, because it showed I had made an impact on at least one person's life. That is one of my biggest goals in life: to show Christ and make an impact on others' lives, whether it be with my music or the way I interact with others. Just recently in the past few weeks, I've been reading my Bible on my own more often, and have been getting back on track in my walk with Christ. I am so thankful that He is faithful, even when I am not.
Lately, I have also been frustrated with myself in choir. I love Women's Chorus very much, but I have been frustrated with myself because I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to music, and I get annoyed sometimes when we don't perform songs the way I think they should be performed. Part of that comes with pride - I have a very musical background, and I feel as though I have to live up to the greatness of my family members involved in music. I know they are all proud of me and support me no matter what, but it still puts some pressure on me regardless. Last night after the concert, I went home and when I went to bed, I laid there thinking, "Is it even worth it?" They need you. "...Really?" Yes. "Well, I know I'm an older girl, and we do have a lot of freshmen in our group; we do every year. There's not many older girls that stay in Women's Chorus." No, there's not. They need you. "Ugh... Really?" and so on. I finally gave up trying to resolve the argument I was having with myself in my head and drifted off to sleep. Tonight, we all gathered in the theory room on the first floor of the cathedral, and one of the young women shared that she needed prayer for strength to get through the Candlelight service and the whole Christmas season because she lost her dad to cancer in August. We all sat/stood around her, laying hands on her. With tear-filled eyes, we prayed for her, praying truth and Scripture to her. As we all prayed, I was encouraged listening to everyone's words of encouragement, comfort, and earnestness. Another young woman shared her testimony and shared the passage of Habakkuk 3:17-18, which says: "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation." She told us that we may not see the light in tough situations in this life, or blessings come out of hard times, but we do have one blessing: that God is the light of our salvation, and He has redeemed us. What a beautiful truth, and I am very grateful for it to be shared with me tonight. Tonight has reminded me that God may not always reveal the reason why things happen, and we may not see fruit or the blessing that comes with a trial, but everything He does has a purpose, and He is always good. Tonight has also reminded me that He has blessed me with a diverse, yet wonderful group of women in Women's Chorus, and that the fellowship and unity we have with each other is absolutely beautiful. Another thing to add on top of that is this: I was again reminded of why I want to go into ministry. I have a heart for young women, and I want to minister to them, teach them, disciple them. We'll see where God leads.
I also was accepted as a finalist for Next Big Thing at JBU again. (NO, it is not the same thing as the one on Disney Channel, for those still wondering. Haha!) I actually didn't think I would make it. Not that I think of myself as a horrible musician/songwriter, but there was more competition this year than there was last year, and I know there are a ton of talented people at JBU. Just because I made it last year, that doesn't guarantee me a spot this year. I just thought to myself, "Surely not me... There are so many other people better than me out there." Nevertheless, I was accepted again! God gave me a joyful yes! This is a second chance: will I use the gifts and talents that God has given to me to give glory back to Him and to minister to others? We shall also see where this journey leads this year.
I pray next semester will be even better, with more for me to learn and more growth in all areas of my life. May I never forget that He is the giver of good gifts, and may I never squander what He has given to me. May my life always reflect Jesus, and may I speak truth to others in every possible way. Amen, let it be so.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Through a Disciple's Eyes
December 24th. Eyes full of wonder, I stared up at the cross in the front of the large and brightly lit sanctuary. "This, this is Christ the King," the chorus of harmonious voices seemed to ring out through the whole world at that moment. How could there be people that don't believe in a God that created this beautiful gift of music? How is it possible that there are people that don't believe that we have a Savior, born as a human man and come to wash away the sins of His people? I kept my eyes fixed on that cross for a good minute. Sparkling eyes that mirrored the lights lining this room then trailed off to look at the people around me. All smiles. Beautiful music and my family standing in a row, hearts full of love. "Lord, I am ready to live for You."
You will deny Me.
Pride sparks the fire of jealousy. The fool purses her lips and brings evil to pass. Little did I know that pride comes before destruction. Friends divided. Witness ruined.
Sister is furious. Instead of building a dam, I let loose the forceful, spraying waterfall, as it tumbles down the hill. Hatred spills from my insides and from my lips like acid from my stomach. The fool cannot shut her mouth. The damage cannot be undone. Bitterness lingers.
A debate is sparked. No longer a simple fool, but a Pharisee. A hypocrite. I speak of love and kindness but brutally murder others with my words. "Legalist!" they cry. I shrug, only doing my duty as a Christian to tell them how they err in their ways. Apathy grows as a cancer inside of me for the very people God came to save. The perfect recipe for a hardened heart. A cold, stone heart.
The rooster crows. Jesus turns to me. Looks at me.
Oh, Lord. Chills run up my arms and legs. Those haunting eyes. Why?
And I remember.
I fall on my knees on the carpeted floor in my bedroom. Eyes blurred by tears. Forgive my apathy! Forgive my pride! Forgive every vile thing in the innermost corners of my heart. Sweep out every cobweb, every speck of dirt, every piece of filth. Forgive me: a Pharisee. Scrub me down. But how? I'm so disgusting. Kyrie Eleison - Lord, have mercy on me.
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
Seek the Lord and live.
Oh, how He is faithful!
A man looking on from the outside. Lonely. I can see it in his eyes. Do you love Me? One word of greeting and a smile. An almost forgotten smile cracks on his line-drawn face. Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.
A friend come to make amends after years of hidden bitterness stored up inside of me. No apology from her. Do you love Me? I take the glue and repair what has been broken, with some Help. Yes, Lord.
The clock reads 12:30. My hand reaches to turn out the lamp. I glance down at the worn pink Bible and the devotional book on the bedside table just inches from my hand. Do you love Me? I pick the Bible up, and turn to where the bookmark was left. Yes, Lord.
Every day, His call is ever before me, stronger than ever: Follow Me.
Please be my strength.
You will deny Me.
Pride sparks the fire of jealousy. The fool purses her lips and brings evil to pass. Little did I know that pride comes before destruction. Friends divided. Witness ruined.
Sister is furious. Instead of building a dam, I let loose the forceful, spraying waterfall, as it tumbles down the hill. Hatred spills from my insides and from my lips like acid from my stomach. The fool cannot shut her mouth. The damage cannot be undone. Bitterness lingers.
A debate is sparked. No longer a simple fool, but a Pharisee. A hypocrite. I speak of love and kindness but brutally murder others with my words. "Legalist!" they cry. I shrug, only doing my duty as a Christian to tell them how they err in their ways. Apathy grows as a cancer inside of me for the very people God came to save. The perfect recipe for a hardened heart. A cold, stone heart.
The rooster crows. Jesus turns to me. Looks at me.
Oh, Lord. Chills run up my arms and legs. Those haunting eyes. Why?
And I remember.
I fall on my knees on the carpeted floor in my bedroom. Eyes blurred by tears. Forgive my apathy! Forgive my pride! Forgive every vile thing in the innermost corners of my heart. Sweep out every cobweb, every speck of dirt, every piece of filth. Forgive me: a Pharisee. Scrub me down. But how? I'm so disgusting. Kyrie Eleison - Lord, have mercy on me.
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
Seek the Lord and live.
Oh, how He is faithful!
A man looking on from the outside. Lonely. I can see it in his eyes. Do you love Me? One word of greeting and a smile. An almost forgotten smile cracks on his line-drawn face. Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.
A friend come to make amends after years of hidden bitterness stored up inside of me. No apology from her. Do you love Me? I take the glue and repair what has been broken, with some Help. Yes, Lord.
The clock reads 12:30. My hand reaches to turn out the lamp. I glance down at the worn pink Bible and the devotional book on the bedside table just inches from my hand. Do you love Me? I pick the Bible up, and turn to where the bookmark was left. Yes, Lord.
Every day, His call is ever before me, stronger than ever: Follow Me.
Please be my strength.
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