Semester Reflections.

The semester's almost over. Unlike the past two, this one zoomed by. "Where did the time go?" I find myself asking others in normal conversations. There's so much that I've pondered.

I remember the beginning of the semester feeling just overwhelmed because I was taking 18 hours at the time (including being in a musical). I dropped out of the musical eventually because 1. I had an insignificant role and wouldn't be terribly missed, and 2. It took so much time away from me and added so much stress. After that, I felt so free and at peace with my life. It was hard, because I love acting and singing (and both combined!), but I knew it was the right decision.

In adding to that, I truly learned not to overcommit. I knew I had always had that problem, but it really stood out to me this semester. Saying no is hard for me, because I love helping people and being involved in everything. (Plus I'm a WOO - which means I'm an extreme extrovert! JBU people know what I'm talking about.) But at some point, I wear myself out and become extremely stressed and overwhelmed with all of it; then I forget the point of why I'm doing all these things and they become more of a burden than a blessing. So, believe it or not, I've learned to say no. I'm still working on it, though. In fact, the other day at my voice lesson, my voice teacher asked me if I would be interested in singing for a nursing home (or something of the like?) after finals. I said "yes" at first, but my mind was plagued with worry throughout the rest of the lesson, with questions like, "What would I sing? How many programs am I singing for besides this one anyway? Where is this place? Wait a minute, I don't even know these people!!" So, at the end of the lesson, I apologized to her and told her I couldn't do it. I felt better that I had said no afterwards.

Speaking of getting worn out with things, I've become more of a home-body this semester. That's kind of a big deal for me, because in the past, I never wanted to be at home. I would spend as much time as I could with my friends on campus. I think part of the reason for wanting to be at home more has to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend now, who doesn't go to JBU and so we hang out at my house on the weekends. I also think part of it has to do with what happened to me this summer; with a broken leg, I learned to entertain myself at home, and I grew to love it. Even this semester, it's nice to come home and get a hug from my mom and make myself a cup of peppermint tea, do my own laundry for free, and study in my own room. Part of saying no to things is sometimes saying no to social gatherings/parties. For instance, last night after Candlelight was the J. Alvin (all-guys' dorm) Christmas party; friends asked me if I would go. If they had asked me last year, I would've said, "YES!" with no hesitation. This year, however, I declined immediately because I knew I would be tired and that I needed to go home right after the concert and go to bed.

I don't know if college does this with everybody, but I think I've become more introverted this year. I do appreciate coming home every night and having quite a bit of alone time. Maybe I'm just becoming more aware of my limitations: physically, emotionally, and mentally.

This semester was actually one of a lack of spiritual growth. Which sounds awful, but I recognized that I didn't grow as much as I did over the summer. I know people go through times of spiking growth and even times of not-so-much growth, but I had even questioned whether I was making any difference in anyone's life: was I being a good witness to others? Was I showing Christ to them? What was I doing that would contribute to the Kingdom? At one point, I felt like a failure in all of these different ways. Then, an acquaintance of mine Facebook messaged me, and asked me how I was so successful. I was very confused because I thought to myself, "What could I have possibly been successful at?" They responded to my question with how I seemed to be such a great friend and student, so talented at music.. how did I do it? I was a bit curious, because I didn't think I had been that successful as a student, and I don't think too highly of myself as far as my music goes. I always try to be the best friend I can be though, I would like for people to rely on me for anything and to be there for people. Anywho, it was a great encouragement to me, because it showed I had made an impact on at least one person's life. That is one of my biggest goals in life: to show Christ and make an impact on others' lives, whether it be with my music or the way I interact with others. Just recently in the past few weeks, I've been reading my Bible on my own more often, and have been getting back on track in my walk with Christ. I am so thankful that He is faithful, even when I am not. 

Lately, I have also been frustrated with myself in choir. I love Women's Chorus very much, but I have been frustrated with myself because I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to music, and I get annoyed sometimes when we don't perform songs the way I think they should be performed. Part of that comes with pride - I have a very musical background, and I feel as though I have to live up to the greatness of my family members involved in music. I know they are all proud of me and support me no matter what, but it still puts some pressure on me regardless. Last night after the concert, I went home and when I went to bed, I laid there thinking, "Is it even worth it?" They need you. "...Really?" Yes. "Well, I know I'm an older girl, and we do have a lot of freshmen in our group; we do every year. There's not many older girls that stay in Women's Chorus." No, there's not. They need you. "Ugh... Really?" and so on. I finally gave up trying to resolve the argument I was having with myself in my head and drifted off to sleep. Tonight, we all gathered in the theory room on the first floor of the cathedral, and one of the young women shared that she needed prayer for strength to get through the Candlelight service and the whole Christmas season because she lost her dad to cancer in August. We all sat/stood around her, laying hands on her. With tear-filled eyes, we prayed for her, praying truth and Scripture to her. As we all prayed, I was encouraged listening to everyone's words of encouragement, comfort, and earnestness. Another young woman shared her testimony and shared the passage of Habakkuk 3:17-18, which says: "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation." She told us that we may not see the light in tough situations in this life, or blessings come out of hard times, but we do have one blessing: that God is the light of our salvation, and He has redeemed us. What a beautiful truth, and I am very grateful for it to be shared with me tonight. Tonight has reminded me that God may not always reveal the reason why things happen, and we may not see fruit or the blessing that comes with a trial, but everything He does has a purpose, and He is always good. Tonight has also reminded me that He has blessed me with a diverse, yet wonderful group of women in Women's Chorus, and that the fellowship and unity we have with each other is absolutely beautiful. Another thing to add on top of that is this: I was again reminded of why I want to go into ministry. I have a heart for young women, and I want to minister to them, teach them, disciple them. We'll see where God leads. 

I also was accepted as a finalist for Next Big Thing at JBU again. (NO, it is not the same thing as the one on Disney Channel, for those still wondering. Haha!) I actually didn't think I would make it. Not that I think of myself as a horrible musician/songwriter, but there was more competition this year than there was last year, and I know there are a ton of talented people at JBU. Just because I made it last year, that doesn't guarantee me a spot this year. I just thought to myself, "Surely not me... There are so many other people better than me out there." Nevertheless, I was accepted again! God gave me a joyful yes! This is a second chance: will I use the gifts and talents that God has given to me to give glory back to Him and to minister to others? We shall also see where this journey leads this year.

I pray next semester will be even better, with more for me to learn and more growth in all areas of my life. May I never forget that He is the giver of good gifts, and may I never squander what He has given to me. May my life always reflect Jesus, and may I speak truth to others in every possible way. Amen, let it be so.