We've just moved out of the season of thankfulness, and now we're
moving into the season of joyful anticipation: the celebration of the birth of
Christ. This is a magical time of year when we listen to Bing Crosby and
Michael Buble croon on the radio, behold the splendor that is Christmas lights,
watch our breath in the cold air, and give to others. It's a blessed time of
year, filled with lots of little happy moments.
... I'm going to be honest and say that
I'm not feeling very happy at the moment. In fact, my heart has been in a
whirlwind pretty much this whole semester. There are so many uncertainties in
my life: will I be good at my new job? Will I keep any of my friends from JBU?
Will they even be sad that I'm not there? How many actually want to stay in my
life? Will I make any new ones? Can't I just be okay with not knowing how
things are going to turn out? Joy and contentment seem so distant these days...
As a good friend of mine has [accurately]
said, "I feel like I'm having [the topic of] joy being pushed down my
throat." We are told that if we are anxious, that we are sinning and not
trusting in God enough. I know we are commanded not to worry in the Bible. I know
it undermines God's authority and power if I do worry. So, why do I still feel
helpless?
The truth is, the most likely reason why I
feel anxious about the future is because I
feel entitled to a good one. I want to be in control, I want things to go
my way, in my timing. I want so badly to hold tightly to all of my friends that
I've made in the past few years.
I stumbled across a blog post about life
changes just recently. As I was reading, the author made some statements:
"Life changes happen, across the board. And no matter how
your life changes — whether it's moving across the country, getting an illness,
losing a parent, shifting jobs, or having a baby — some people won't come with
you to the next phase.
Some people won't come with you.
And that's okay.
...
You will make
more friends. That's one thing that never changes, no matter how old we are. No
matter how impossible it seems, or how long it takes, you CAN find your
people.
...
The more we all navigate through life changes — the more
perspective we all gain through simply experiencing life — the easier it is to
stick together. Because the ones who matter — the ones who get the new,
changed you —
will stay with you."
Reading this has helped put some things into perspective for me;
even though I want to take everyone with me to my next stage of life, some of
the friends I've made at JBU won't be a part of that new stage of life. As much
as I hate the thought of it because I love everyone there so much, it's true.
There's a sacredness to certain people only being a part of your life in a
certain time and place. It's okay to keep them there, to treasure them in that
chapter of your story. There will always be times when I look back at the people
I've gotten to know at college and people I've grown to love and care about
deeply, and I will always be reminded of how loved I've been, how encouraged I
was to pursue my passion, and how much people truly believed in my abilities
even when I doubted myself.
I will still continue to struggle with anxiety and depression here
and there, but this (along with talking to friends) has helped me some in my
journey.
I love all of you dearly, and I hope you will continue to pray for
me as I finish out my last 3 weeks (yep, only 3 left!) of college, of my time
at JBU.
