It's been like a month and a half since I last blogged on here... Life has been so crazy! This semester is whizzing by. Which can be a good thing and a bad thing. I need to remember to sit back and enjoy the time that God has given me to live.
So... NATS. Oh my word. What an experience. Working hard up until we had to leave was challenging time-wise because I wasn't used to practicing as much as I was every day. The excitement of going grew with each day fast approaching . . . I had gotten sick a few weeks before and had not gotten well by the time we left, so that was hard on me physically and emotionally.
We left the BPAC around 5 pm on Thursday afternoon/evening. It took a little longer getting there than what we thought, because of traffic, and we also had to pick up Mrs. Rollene from her house. We got to the hotel around 10 pm and unloaded our stuff. Gabby, Ashley, and I roomed together, and we all had a good night's rest that night.
The next morning was really chill for the girls; we took our time getting ready and we even had time to do homework in the hotel lobby. We grabbed lunch and then headed to Ouachita Baptist. We went with Mrs. Funk, our accompanist, to our assigned practice room to warm up and practice each of our pieces. Luckily for us, the three of us assigned back to back in when we were to perform. I remember getting to the room where we were supposed to sing before the judges about 10 minutes early, and the guy standing outside the door said that they were going through people really fast, and that they were ready for me whenever I wanted to go in. I took in a deep breath and walked in. The judges were other voice teachers from different schools. I sang my German piece and one of the judges chose my more favored English piece. I felt like I did pretty well; obviously it wasn't a stellar performance and I didn't think I was going to make it past preliminaries, but hey, there were no major flubs, and I was proud of myself! Gabby and Ashley did very well, too.
Afterwards, we stayed until everyone had finished singing and went to go get dinner. There was a recital that we had to go to afterwards, and then when that was over, we would find out who made it to the next round.
I remember looking at the postings for the sophomore female group. I scanned over the numbers, and I didn't see mine. Mrs. Rollene came up to me and gave me a sympathetic hug. I told her I was fine with it, and I truly was . . . That is, until I asked everyone else if they made it. Everyone else from the JBU crew had made it to semi-finals. I was the only one that didn't. The disappointment in my heart grew more and more as I heard a voice in my head chastising myself for how I let Mrs. Rollene (and everyone else) down. You're not good enough to be here . . . Why are you here, then? You worked so hard and you STILL couldn't make it.
Walking to the van, the tears started falling, and I felt even more angry at myself. Why was I so upset about this? I didn't have many high hopes for myself. I'm not a strong singer. Then why did I feel this way?
Everyone knew how I was feeling. I got a few hugs and sympathetic looks. Jokes were cracked on the ride back to the hotel, and I laughed, feeling a little better.
The girls walked up to the room, and the negative thoughts came back. Gabby and Ashley, bless their hearts. They asked me if I was okay, and I lost it again. I was already humbled that day, and I was being humbled again by having them see me in a mess like this. I explained to them that I had been struggling with a lot of hard things the past few weeks: depression for friends that were hurting, sickness for over 2 weeks and that I wasn't getting any better, feeling like I was failing a class, that I hadn't felt like a good friend to my friends, and now this. I was in this pit that I couldn't dig myself out of. They hugged me again and asked if I needed anything. I said no, and then they left me to go get some tea or coffee. After I talked with my mom on the phone, Mrs. Rollene came to the room and she sat down on the bed across from me to go over the judges' comments. We read through them, and it turns out that the main things they had pointed out were things that I had been working on and are currently working on in lessons. Mrs. Rollene then gave me her own comments . . . They didn't know me, they don't know how much I've grown. I've grown a lot! Then she said, "Now this is a pivotal moment. You can either decide to give up trying, or continue and let this be a reason to keep growing. I think you should keep trying; you've come a long way, Lauren." I knew she was right, and she gave me a hug and left.
I was left alone with my thoughts for a little bit. I realized in that room that I had been trying to carry my own burdens for a long time. I needed to give them all up to God; I needed His help. Somewhat unknowingly, I had shoved him out of my life thinking I could handle whatever came my way. I was reassured that I was here at this place and time for a reason. EVERYTHING that goes on in my life is for a reason. I can let them define who I am and let these things sink me lower, or I can rise up with God's help and let them make me grow stronger in all these different areas of my life. I went to sleep that night with a peace I hadn't felt in a long time.
We all had to get up early the next morning, to check out of the hotel and be at Ouachita by 8:30. I decided to be everyone's cheerleader. :) After a masterclass watching others being critiqued in their singing, we found out who made it to the finals. Two of our guys made it! I was so very (and genuinely) happy for the both of them. After getting lunch, we sat through the finals for 3.5 hours . . . A very long time to sit and watch people sing. Daniel tied for 2nd in the Freshmen men's category, and Charles came in first in his category (although he was the only one in that category, he did so well!!) Both of them were awesome!
Finally, we headed home; it was over. It was such a short time while we were there, but it felt like an eternity. I got to know people better, better than what I would've at school. We all got close. I would like to go back and do it again next year; we'll see what happens!
A lot of lessons learned in the past week . . . But now, I shall move on towards other things. Next Big Thing, for one. SO excited! Every practice I have with my band, I get even more pumped. It's fast approaching - only a little over a month away! I am so grateful for these guys for putting up with me and for being honest during practices and giving awesome suggestions for making the songs even better. I think I could say that a thousand times and it still wouldn't feel like I've thanked them enough. I can't wait to see where this goes and what else I am going to learn from this experience!
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