An Awful Christian?

Have you ever felt like an awful Christian?

There have been quite a few times recently that I've felt that way. For instance, I have been comparing my life to a few of my friends'. (Why do I keep doing this to myself??! The world may never know.) I see friends that are doing awesome things for Christ: going to different countries for whole semesters/during the summer visiting orphans, working at summer camps as a counselor witnessing to young people, running marathons to raise money for kids in third world countries, fasting for awareness of an issue in another third world country... I could go on. I have so many friends that are doing awesome things for the name of Christ. And I'm not. At least not in those ways.

Since when did being a Christian become a competition?

There's something in me that tells me I'm an awful Christian often. "How can you call yourself a Christian? You've never even been out of the country! You're so lazy. What important things have you done? Nothing."

I know none of these things are true. Why, then, do I believe these lies a lot of the time? Maybe it's because I feel like I have to prove myself worthy to God or to my peers. Or maybe it's just to look good in front of others. If either of those are the case, why aren't my motives genuine? Shouldn't they be if I am a real follower of Christ?

I know I'm not called to go outside of the country. Is that bad? The Great Commission tells us we should go to all nations to preach the Gospel and make disciples, but surely our own country isn't one of those places. Or is it?

I know I feel called to stay within the United States. Not to say that I would never go outside the U.S. to go on a missions trip; I would definitely be open to it if that's something God wants me to do. However, as of now, I feel that my calling is for where I currently live. I am called to John Brown University to major in music. My ministry is the people that I see every day, and the new people I have yet to meet. My ministry is also to the music I make and share with others. That's it. Nothing extraordinary.

"But I'm still not doing anything great," my thought process continues. It's true that I am not currently doing nor have ever done any of the above things. It's not that I don't care about people; I genuinely do. I admit that I am not an activist. I am not a missionary to another country. I haven't been and won't be a camp counselor. I am not a marathon runner. I have my own talents and gifts that God has blessed me with, and I plan to use those to minister to others. I don't claim to be a "great Christian." All I want to be is an obedient servant of my King. At least I want to want it; sometimes I lack it because I want to do something incredible for His kingdom! But then, wouldn't that be glorifying myself rather than God?

Besides, if we were all the same, we wouldn't be His living and active body, now would we? We'd all be an eyeball or a foot.

Now, if I could just tell that to myself over and over, maybe I can get it into my thick head.

Short and sweet

It's finally spring break, and I almost didn't know what to do with myself at the first few moments of sweet freedom. I was so used to doing homework in whatever free time I had that I felt like I had to do something. I had to tell myself that I was on break, I didn't need to do any homework just then. Isn't that sad though, how much school has taken over my life?

But it's so true; school HAS taken over my whole life. I constantly feel like I have no time for friends, or at least very little. I do manage to get some quality time with Matt during the weekends, but even then, part of that time is spent doing homework together. Not a bad thing at all, but that just shows you.

Last year, I don't remember ever being this swamped. I at least had moderately good grades and yet I still had a lot of time to spend with friends and family. I was able to spend good time in the Word, too. This year, especially this semester, this has not been the case. I constantly feel like I need to be doing homework all the time; it's become my biggest excuse. Which is a legitimate excuse, but it's become my excuse for so many things, even just taking care of myself (cleaning my room, doing laundry, getting enough sleep, etc.) This has even become my excuse for not reading my Bible . . . How did it come to this?

I think this is a new tactic that Satan has been using to distract me. School has never been an issue for me in spending time with the Lord. Not before this year. This semester started off really stress-filled; from the start, I have felt fear in going to school and doing homework: will I fail these classes? Will I lose my scholarships? Will I have to go an extra semester than what I had planned? These always seemed to be the looming questions in the back of my mind, popping up at the times when I'm especially stressed.

I have come to realize that once again, I was trying to do everything myself and pushing God away from helping me. When will I learn that that is never going to work?!

Hopefully during spring break, I can get back on track with schoolwork. I also hope to catch up with family, spending good time with them and enjoying a break from stress and work. Most importantly, I hope to get back on track with getting into the Word every day and daily commit my life to Him. Praise God that I can always come back to Him when I've strayed from the path, running to His open, waiting arms!