An Awful Christian?

Have you ever felt like an awful Christian?

There have been quite a few times recently that I've felt that way. For instance, I have been comparing my life to a few of my friends'. (Why do I keep doing this to myself??! The world may never know.) I see friends that are doing awesome things for Christ: going to different countries for whole semesters/during the summer visiting orphans, working at summer camps as a counselor witnessing to young people, running marathons to raise money for kids in third world countries, fasting for awareness of an issue in another third world country... I could go on. I have so many friends that are doing awesome things for the name of Christ. And I'm not. At least not in those ways.

Since when did being a Christian become a competition?

There's something in me that tells me I'm an awful Christian often. "How can you call yourself a Christian? You've never even been out of the country! You're so lazy. What important things have you done? Nothing."

I know none of these things are true. Why, then, do I believe these lies a lot of the time? Maybe it's because I feel like I have to prove myself worthy to God or to my peers. Or maybe it's just to look good in front of others. If either of those are the case, why aren't my motives genuine? Shouldn't they be if I am a real follower of Christ?

I know I'm not called to go outside of the country. Is that bad? The Great Commission tells us we should go to all nations to preach the Gospel and make disciples, but surely our own country isn't one of those places. Or is it?

I know I feel called to stay within the United States. Not to say that I would never go outside the U.S. to go on a missions trip; I would definitely be open to it if that's something God wants me to do. However, as of now, I feel that my calling is for where I currently live. I am called to John Brown University to major in music. My ministry is the people that I see every day, and the new people I have yet to meet. My ministry is also to the music I make and share with others. That's it. Nothing extraordinary.

"But I'm still not doing anything great," my thought process continues. It's true that I am not currently doing nor have ever done any of the above things. It's not that I don't care about people; I genuinely do. I admit that I am not an activist. I am not a missionary to another country. I haven't been and won't be a camp counselor. I am not a marathon runner. I have my own talents and gifts that God has blessed me with, and I plan to use those to minister to others. I don't claim to be a "great Christian." All I want to be is an obedient servant of my King. At least I want to want it; sometimes I lack it because I want to do something incredible for His kingdom! But then, wouldn't that be glorifying myself rather than God?

Besides, if we were all the same, we wouldn't be His living and active body, now would we? We'd all be an eyeball or a foot.

Now, if I could just tell that to myself over and over, maybe I can get it into my thick head.