I have now reached the point in my college career where I have heard the repulsive, infamous question more times than I care to count or recall. I figure you can guess what that question would be, but in case you don't know, it's the one everyone in college (especially juniors and seniors) hear and is struck with fear: "So, what's next after graduation?"
I've given into telling a couple of people that I'll probably just go eat a nice meal with my family.
But really, in all seriousness, I give so many different answers to this question depending on the person. "Oh, I'll probably teach private lessons." "I'm really interested in directing a children's choir." "I want to record my own music." "I just really want to work with people." All of these answers are legitimate, because they're all things I would be interested in. Yet, there's something tugging at my chest every time I give someone an answer to that question. It's like none of those things are good enough.
What's sad is, I can't even tell whether it's not good enough for me or good enough for others.
I thrive off of pleasing other people. I am very well aware that this isn't anything new; many people I know are also people pleasers. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't seem to think for myself in anything. I feed off of it like a vulture at a carcass. Gross picture, but it makes a point. It's bad for me, but yet, it makes me feel worth something to know that people are happy with me, my accomplishments, etc. The worst feeling in the world is someone being disappointed in me, for anything.
Maybe it's because at one point in time, in middle school, I didn't please anyone with my presence. Now, family was an exception, but you start to feel alone when no one will claim you as a friend at school or at church. I also haven't stayed at a church longer than 2 years at a time within the past 8 years or so. Being homeschooled from middle school on, I've had so many friends come and go in my life. Besides my family and my boyfriend, no one has stayed in my life longer than 3 years since early junior high school.
That's another reason I'm terrified of what's going to happen after graduation: my friends I've made here. I won't see them on a regular basis like I do now, if ever. The friend group I have right now has been together since first semester freshman year, and while we love each other, it's getting harder and harder to spend any time with each other. Each of us is moving on to another part of our lives. I find myself a wreck just trying to "make them" stay in my life, just because they've been my closest friends the longest out of so many in the past 8 years. I'm just now starting to develop meaningful relationships within the music department, and I'll be graduating in about 10 months. I'll be leaving, yet again. I would say that about 90% of my dreams lately have been me wandering around (a different place every time), looking for home, looking for someone (either my boyfriend or family), or looking for where I'm supposed to be (and it's different in every dream). Every dream ends abruptly with my alarm going off, and I never reach my destination, leaving me heavyhearted some mornings.
Is that what life is all about? Leaving, arriving, settling down somewhere, only to leave again and start all over? I mean I know we're not meant to live comfortably but c'mon. Can't I just be somewhere and STAY there? Can't I have control of all -- I mean, most of my life? I know God should be in the picture somewhere, but why would He care about my meaningless life?
Yet, He cares even more than I do. He knows everything. Every single dot and intricate detail of my pathetic, sinful life and being. And yet, He still chooses me daily.
Every time I happen to think of this truth, I shake my head ferociously. Why? I am the least bit deserving out of anybody I know.
Every night when I think of this question, I read through Scripture and see all of the countless stories of people just like me. HUGE screw ups. .....God still worked through them, sometimes brought them to Himself and revealed Himself to them. Every story is tied together into a huge story that's all about God. Everything is for His purpose and His glory. He sure as heck doesn't need us to get the job done, but He chooses to. He CHOOSES US. And despite our failures every single day, His promises have been and will always be kept.
Even when things around us change, He never does. His plans are never thwarted. Nothing surprises Him. Even when I literally scream into my pillow and throw it across my room in anger at Him or myself, He doesn't give up on me. He's still working in me, through me. Slowly but surely, I'll be like Him in more ways than I could possibly imagine.
I've drifted off to sleep so many times with no words to speak to God. I feel so inadequate when it comes to praying. (I mean really, I'm either having internal battles with myself or I'm talking out loud to the air, so it seems.) He knows my heart's deepest longings, my biggest fears, my "what ifs". God is the great weight-lifter. I have to pry my fingers off of my plans, my dreams, & my fears and relinquish them to Him first though.
It's so hard to wait when you're a control freak, though. I know the answers will come when they're supposed to. It's such a cliche' thing to say, but it's cliche' because it's completely true.
He'll always be there waiting when I'm ready to tuck my tail in and come back to Him. Thank you, Lord! May I never forget Your love and goodness.
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