What's Next?

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

That was the question that every grown-up asked me when I was younger. My answer changed pretty much every year: it always ranged from being a singer to being a meteorologist (I still wouldn't mind doing that today if it weren't for all that good ol' math and science).

I'm no longer asked that question, at least not in the same way, because now, I AM grown up. I used to think 20 was old... Ha! I'll be 22 in December and I feel way too young to be doing things myself. For one thing, I'm expected to know what I want to do with my entire life. I'm supposed to have it all figured out.

I'm getting several emails from the college's career center online, telling me to start looking for jobs and asking me to put in all my criteria and info to find matching jobs. ... Aaaand nothing. *sigh*

Isn't it funny how the dreams you had as a kid fade away once you realize how far fetched some of them are? It sucks.

Now, instead the conversation is always something like this:
"So what are you doing after this semester?"
"Good question. Let me get back to you on that."

(Makes me want to pull out my hair....)

As a music student, I'm expected to teach music lessons because that's what I majored in and teaching is pretty much all that anyone can think of for a practical job in that field. (Why can't there be other options?!)

So there's that.

I also start my last semester of school in 4 days.

I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry for days and not think about it... seriously considering starting a revolt against being an adult. But I can't ignore it; it's inevitable. I will (God willing) finish up this semester, perform my senior recital, graduate, and then move on with my life. I will have to move out and provide for myself in some way, I will have to find a stable job that pays decently so I can make a living for myself, I will eventually (and hopefully) marry my best friend and start a family, and then ta-da, my life will be complete... or not...

After this semester ends, I will no longer see all my friends all the time; no more late nights in the music lab, no more sitting in the practice room banging my head against the piano trying to practice for voice lessons, no more theory or musicianship or homework or classes... ever.

I should be thinking, "Wow, I'm almost done and I made it this far!" And I am, of course. But really, I'm going to miss everything, even the hard and boring things. This has been my life the past 3 (will be 3.5) years, and I've been in school in general for so long that it will be weird not being in it anymore.

There are so many questions running marathons through my head... How many of my friends that I've made will stay in my life? I'm terrified that I won't get to keep any of them in the long run. I wish I could just keep friends in my life for longer than 3 years. I'm tired of leaving places, and I'm tired of people leaving my life. Why can't things just stay the same for once? Why can't I just keep friends in my life for years and years to come? I love making new friends, and it's not that hard for me, but it does wear me out and I wonder if people would ever care to pour into me like I want to pour into them. Will I stay? Will I leave? If I do, where would I go?

Even with the questions, I know God has it all planned out and that He knows what will happen and that He will guide me in the process. It's just hard because I am not in control. Doors will open and close whether or not I want them to. I have a say in some things but ultimately God opens the doors for me. Proverbs 16 has several verses that explain that even though man plans his way and "casts lots", God ultimately directs our steps and every decision is planned by Him. Comforting reminder, for sure.

To all my friends at JBU, thank you for putting up with my absolute dorkiness and oddities for the past few years. You have all contributed in my growth spiritually, emotionally, and mentally as a person, and I cannot thank you enough for that. Thank you for being that shoulder I cried on after I got a horrible grade on an assignment, for studying with me before a huge Music History exam, for reminding me that my life and my worth are so much more than my grades and my knowledge. You all mean so much to me, and I'm going to start crying as I start thinking about leaving this wonderful place. (If it looks like I'm about to break down, just give me a hug. I don't care who you are.) I hope I can keep some of the relationships I've made in the past few years and keep them for a long time. You guys mean too much to me for me to just let go of you all. Thank you for giving me the confidence I wanted for so long; I know I'm not perfect at all, but I know that my God is bigger than I am and He saved me from my sinful flesh and He is all that matters in my life.

To you AND to all my professors I've had, thank you for believing in me when I didn't think I could do things myself. I had no idea the potential I had until college, and now I can go try to change some lives with what I've been given. Thank you for pouring into me, because your teaching has truly made a difference in my life. I hope I can teach others the lessons I've learned from you as well as you've taught them to me.

I love you all. Here's to my last semester, these last few pages in this chapter of life, and here's to the next one!