Can't Think of A Good Title for This One.

There are two major things I just want to hash out on in this post. The first about my beef with social media and [kind of] alongside that, dealing with relationships & friends.

Social media. First of all, I have such a love-hate relationship with it. I absolutely love that I can keep up with people that I never see or hardly ever see but that I genuinely do care about. However, there comes a point where Facebook posts drive me CRAZY. Some people really do just get on my nerves. So why don't I unfriend them? Because I feel like a horrible, awful person if and when I do that. I'm supposed to be loving, accepting, and get along with everyone, right??? Society also encourages having as many hundreds of thousands of friends/followers as possible. To go even further, why don't I just deactivate my account? Because I still want to keep up with people I don't see often. I want to know what's going on in everyone's lives. This is my problem. Blegh. 

In addition to this, I feel like everyone's lives completely revolve around Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, etc. We have to put ourselves out there for everyone to see, and everyone has to like what they see. We scream for attention, we base our worth on how many likes we get on a picture or status or tweet. I am especially guilty of this. Why should my life be based on what other people like? It's my life, not theirs. We want to feel acceptance and affirmation. We want to be liked. Nothing wrong with that, but if that's your only motive for posting stuff, then you've got to either stop posting stuff or cut off what's making you stumble. Yet again, see my above dilemma . . . I can stop logging in at any time. Why don't I? Why is it such a powerful thing that draws me in all the time, even though I know it's not beneficial to me? Probably because it's so available. Having an iphone and a laptop available to me whenever I need them, it's so easy to log in and start reading about others' lives. I start to play the comparison game. "Her wardrobe is much cuter than mine, I need to work on that." "Gosh, her makeup always looks perfect, why can't mine be like that?" "Look at all the awesome things she's doing with her life! My life sucks in comparison." Yeah, I could go on, but you get the picture. Mrah. 

It also takes away from really personal meaningful friendships. Since my friends post about their lives all the time, it makes me think I don't have to ask how they're doing, because I just read about it on a website. Tonight, I've discovered just how many flimsy, unmeaningful friendships I have with people. Sure, I know a lot of people, but do most of them really even care what I have to say? Do they appreciate me being their friend or acquaintance? Or are they just smiling and being friendly just to be nice? How many people are actually REAL friends? 

Kind of a depressing subject, actually . . . Moving on . . . 

Now, relationships. Being in one myself for only a little over a year, I don't claim to know everything there is to know about having a successful relationship. But just in observing not only my own relationship, but my friends' relationships and friendships around me, these are just a few things I've learned. 

1. Be considerate of your single friends. To some extent, you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are dating, so you should act like you're a couple. But some people have a problem with seeing their friends get really touchy. Some don't want to see you kiss in front of them. Ask your friends what they're not comfortable with and what they are comfortable with. 

2. Listen to your parents. Especially if you're younger. As young adults, you are generally grown up enough to make your own decisions. However, your parents have also been there and done that; they know the same struggles/fights you get into with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and they have probably had some of the same temptations that you have faced. They've been through this stuff, too, even though it has been a few years for them. Let them help you and give you advice. 

3. DON'T IGNORE YOUR FRIENDS. This is so sO SO SOOO incredibly important. Yes, you want to spend as much time with your significant other as possible, but you most likely had your friends before your significant other. They still love you for who you are. They still want to hang out with you. 

Don't treat them like crap. 

I know of so many single friends (guys and girls alike) who have been ditched by their girl or guy friends gradually over time because they got into a relationship. These friends have been hurt deeply. I myself have had to be confronted about this towards the beginning of Matt and I's relationship. I didn't realize it until my friends had vocalized it to me, and I was genuinely sorry. If you're in a relationship, maybe you don't realize that you're hurting someone because you're still in the "honeymoon phase". Even though I'm in a relationship, I still feel hurt when a girl friend of mine stops putting time into the friendship because of her boyfriend. Guys can do the same exact things. 

Include each other in fun activities. Ask your friends if you can bring your boyfriend/girlfriend with you in the time you spend with your friends. Go on double dates. Also make time to spend JUST with your friends. Even your significant other needs friend time with his or her own group of friends if they're not the same as yours. 

Just don't exclude others from your life. 

If you read through this post, thank you. This wasn't really a "what-I'm-learning-spiritually" post, but I felt like it needed to be said anyway. 

I will say that my fifth semester at JBU started on Wednesday, and so far, it has been really good! I have a really good feeling about this semester, and it looks like it won't be NEARLY as stressful as the past year has been. PTL!!! 

I also will say that I am very thankful for Matt, my family, and for my real friends that I have that I know truly do care about me (you know who you are)! 

I am also thankful for God, who loves me even when I fail Him constantly. He never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself. He always pursues me with an unfailing love, and helps me grow in my walk with Him every day. 

I hope you are all doing well, and I still hope that this post has made you think and/or encourages you. 

An Ungrateful Heart

For about a week now, I've been working on getting old clothes and such together so that I could be able to sell them to a consignment store, and maybe get some money from it. I didn't expect to get a lot for them, but I thought, "Hey, maybe I could get SOMETHING for them." So, today, I gathered all 8 large filled-to-the-brim bags to Plato's Closet, and gave them my stuff. Even though their website says they accept books, CDs, and DVDs and such, none of the NWA stores apparently accept them . . . Grrr .  . . They gave me an hour for them to check out all my clothing items, so I went to run another errand or two while I waited. I came back when the hour was up, and I walked up to the counter. The girl handed me two bags of stuff they didn't want . . . then the third . . . then the fourth . . . until finally, she gave me back ALL of the bags I had given her. Apparently none of the clothes I had brought them were the "right" brands that they accepted. Either that or they were older than they wanted, which was at least 2 years. I knew some of those brands that they wanted that I had given them were definitely under 2 years old and in good condition. Anyway, they gave me nothing for my clothes. NOTHING.

I was so upset. I had worked so hard to research which store to give away my stuff to, how much I might be getting paid, organizing which clothes they might accept and which stuff they wouldn't, etc. And what did I get for it? Nada.

I decided to just head to Goodwill to give them all of my stuff; I just wanted it gone now.

The whole ride there, I was seething. "This is so unfair!" and "Those idiots, I'm NEVER going back there again!" ran repeatedly through my head.

Then after I calmed down some and when I had pulled up to Goodwill and given the man all of my bags, I remembered something.

Earlier that afternoon, I had been watching a lecture video for my online philosophy class. This particular lecture was on the different views that media has for why there is evil and suffering in the world. There was a documentary where I saw a man (who's arm and leg were cut off) and his family who lived on a piece of cardboard in between two railroad tracks. He had rolled over in his sleep one night onto the track and the train ran over his arm and leg. He obviously survived the accident, but it was so painful to watch him hobbling around with one arm and leg and a crutch, begging for food or money just so his FAMILY could get by. It wasn't just him that was homeless, but he had children there living with him.

Another documentary showed the Twin Towers fall from the plane crash from 9/11. There were people screaming and one man covering his head while he was bent down.

Yet another documentary showed this one woman who had become paralyzed from a diving accident (she was a swimmer). She went through many years of depression and bitterness, but then came to Christ through her struggles. She now goes and speaks to people and gives her testimony.

Each one of these videos made me cry . . .

How did I not remember this nearly two hours later with my clothes incident?!

I am ungrateful.

I really try to be. I really do. I keep up with a thankfulness journal and write in it every day, trying to pen down at least one thing I'm thankful for each day. Some days I am genuinely grateful for what/who I write down. Some days, it's a half-hearted thing. Why is this? Why can I not be grateful for what I have all the time??

I think the problem is that I have so much already, I just crave more. More food, more money, more stuff. That's the way I've been raised; I live in the richest percentage of the world. I have parts of college paid for through scholarships. I GET to go to college. I have food available to me at all parts of the day. I have plenty of clothes and shoes. I have my own electric piano and several guitars. I have my own bed. (I could go on, but you get the point.)

I'm not claiming to be filthy rich by any means, because I'm not. But in comparison to the rest of the world, I have much. So much more.

What comes to mind is the parable that Jesus told in Luke 7:36-50 when the woman who was a sinner wept and wiped His feet with her perfume. I can't even imagine how much more expensive perfume was considered back then, but I know right now that real perfume is so incredibly expensive! She could have used that to help her pay her way or to get food, but she chose this costly treasure to worship the true Treasure. The parable explains that the one who has a bigger debt, is more grateful than the one who had a smaller one.

First of all, what do I consider my greatest treasure? Is it Christ? Or something earthly and temporal?

Secondly, am I truly grateful for what I've been given? If I woke up tomorrow with only the things/people I was thankful for today, what would I have?

That's a convicting thought.

Lord, help me to be more grateful for the blessings that You HAVE given me. Thank you for what you have given to me! I pray that I will be a faithful servant with Your gifts. Help me to humble myself and diminish my awful pride! Let my faith grow, and help me to remember that You are the Creator and Sustainer of all things. Help me to treasure You above all things and all other people. Amen.

Picture Perfect.

I am a girl.

Yeah, I know, I'm definitely stating the obvious. And because I'm a girl, I'm attracted to pretty things. In reality, I think everyone, regardless of gender, is attracted to pretty things or things/people they find beautiful, but I think females are more obvious about it.

Today, Matt and I were running errands, looking for clothes (just jeans for him) because it was tax-free weekend in Arkansas for back-to-school clothes and school supplies. I had been wanting to find a maxi skirt that would actually look good on me, because they rarely do, so Matt willingly went with me to a few more shops so I could possibly find one. I tried on a few at several stores, even before today, and had found none that looked good on me. The last shop we went to was filled with really cute clothes that reflected the newest styles coming out. At last, I found a maxi skirt that looked promising! I went into the dressing room to try it on. I tried on one size, and it didn't look right. So, being hopeful, I tried on the next larger size. It fit me better, but still didn't fit right. I looked at myself in the mirror for a good 3 minutes or so while I argued inside my head: should I get it, or should I put it back on the rack? The more I kept looking at myself, the more it just didn't look right on me, so I ended up not getting it. Not a big deal, right? It happens to everyone.

We got in the car, and I started thinking to myself: "Why did I have to have such big hips?" and "Why didn't my body look 'right'?" were popping up like a virus in my mind. It was as if I was supposed to be able to fit that skirt, but I had somehow failed. Thoughts of "I need to exercise more, that will fix me", etc. also filled my mind, like I needed to fix my body.

I have always had a low image of myself. I know everyone went through an awkward phase in their life, but I feel like mine lasted longer and was way more awkward than most people. I didn't have a lot of friends in middle school, and I was made fun of for how I looked. I was the tallest girl in my class, and I was not thin. I had braces for a little over 3 years, and had a really bad haircut that was always greasy all the time.

Over the years, little by little, I've gotten over my awkwardness, grown up, and gotten somewhat over the need to look drop-dead gorgeous. But I still have my moments when I struggle. However, I know I'm not alone.

Women young and old have always felt the need to be beautiful. What we desire most is to be looked at as a goddess. We want to BE desirable and to be cherished and loved. So what do we invest ourselves in? Makeup. Clothes. Shoes. Nail polish. Teeth whitening trays. Curling irons and hair straighteners.

Don't get me wrong, I've really started appreciating dressing nicer and wearing/experimenting with makeup and such. I think it's a ton of fun to go shop with friends and get all dressed up and the like. I don't think it's wrong to do those things either. But those things should express who YOU are, not what everyone else is doing. Not what society thinks is cool. If you really like something that's in style right now that isn't unflattering or something that makes men's eyes wander, then of course it's great! It's when your life is covered up: when what you're putting on your face, body, etc. is all a lie. If you're hiding from the real you, then what good is it? We don't get to know the really cool person beneath all of that stuff. I know Matt loves me for who I am, and so do my friends. I don't need to dress a certain way or wear my hair/makeup a certain way to get their approval or make them like me more. I know God loves me without all of those things, too. My family loves me. So, who do I need to impress anyway?

I know this is a message we've all heard since we were twelve. I know guys struggle with this as well. I also know that no matter how many times we get preached at, it's hard. We want to look good for other people so we'll be liked. OR, we don't like ourselves, so we change who we are completely.

Fashion changes. "What's in" changes. The person beneath doesn't. Or at least they shouldn't. 

Humility, gentleness, graciousness, love, joy, and above all, Christlikeness. Those are things that are purely contagious. Those are things that make a person attractive. 

If I don't like who God has created me to be, I'm pretty much just telling Him that what He created wasn't good enough.

Ouch.

Colossians 3:2 commands us: "Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Things from earth in general are temporary. Will they matter in the eternal perspective? Of course not.

Ladies (and gents), let's focus instead more on training in godliness.

My Apology

To all of my friends/acquaintances who have been hurt by the church,

Your family was falling apart. The church did nothing.
You were struggling with your identity. The church laughed at you.
You needed help financially. The church didn't try to help.
You had questions. The church didn't try to answer them.
You needed love. The church didn't give you any.
You were different from everyone else. The church didn't include you.
You gave into temptation. The church called you names.
You needed truth. The church didn't teach it.
You needed Jesus. The church didn't share Him with you.
You got fed up and left. The church didn't run after you.

This is the sad truth for all of you. Today, I truly see and read ALL of the things you post on Facebook and Instagram. It breaks my heart to see you still struggling. I wish that had never happened to you.

You may not ever want to go to a church again. You've been hurt so badly and have been so impacted by what happened, that you would never put yourself in that position again. Never again would you put your heart out there for people to tear apart again.

You know what? I was deeply hurt by a church, too. Several, in fact.

There are a lot of churches out there that don't show Christ's love and don't teach about the true Gospel. Most of the time, church is just a place where people tell you what to do and not to do; it teaches of moralism or is so watered down and wishy-washy that there is no truth at all. It has not done its job in helping broken people and reaching out to those who need it most.

However, I have found a few churches who have welcomed me in, who teach the truth of the Gospel, and also share the love of Christ with everyone who comes in. Their aim is to actually teach the Bible, to grow in Godliness, and to reach out to broken people. By the way, EVERYONE is broken. We all need Jesus to change our lives.

That's another thing too: you've probably gone to church your whole life and have been taught what to do and what not to do. That is moralism. That is NOT Christianity. That is only changing what's on the outside. It does not change your heart. Everyone sins; everyone does/thinks/says something that breaks God's heart. We all go astray. We all deserve eternal punishment. None of us are good enough in our actions/thoughts/etc. to earn our way into heaven. We have all broken the first two of the 10 Commandments: we make other gods besides the true God and we make idols out of so many things: our friends, money, tv shows, our boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. God is so holy that He can't be in the presence of sin.

But, that's NOT the end of the story.

Christ radically changes your heart for the better. Having a relationship with Jesus is the greatest thing in the world! He WANTS you. He wants a relationship with you! He LOVES you! He provided a way for us to be able to be with God forever in heaven someday! How totally awesome is that?! I sure don't deserve that. None of us do. But He humbled himself and died on a cross, which by the way was the lowest possible way to die, to be saved from sin. He did that because He loves us!!! Oh, friend, if you don't have this very great and amazing relationship with Jesus, please come to Him. He is ALWAYS ready and waiting for you to come to Him!

To sum up: I am sorry. I am sorry for what you have experienced in church before that has driven you away. The true Gospel of Christ IS somewhat offensive, because it shows that we all sin and that we are not good people. [Yes, we are able to do good things, but we are not good enough to earn our way to heaven.] However, if you have been driven away because of how the people within the church have treated you, I am sincerely sorry. The church's job is to help you through whatever problem you have in your life and in whatever sin you are struggling with. Instead, we form Christian cliques and exclude people who are not like us. We're uncomfortable with the idea of sharing Christ with others. We fear what people think of us.

Christians don't necessarily have it all figured out. We have problems, too. We're not perfect in the least. And being a follower of Christ is NOT easy. At all. It's pretty freaking hard. But compared to what Jesus has done for us, what we have to go through in order to stand up for Him and become more like Him is like nothing.

I would love to talk with any of you on any of what I just rambled on about. Seriously! If you want to talk and have been hurt by the church before, have never been to church before, or have never even read the Bible yourself,  PLEASE message me, call me, text, whatever it takes! We are supposed to help each other, to bear one another's burdens and thereby fulfill the law of Christ (Gal. 6:2).

I love you all very much. I am praying for each of you.

~Lauren

Tornadoes and Idols

My family and I just got back from a small getaway to Branson this weekend, and we had a lot of fun. It's been a while since we've done something as a family, and it was nice to not have to worry about getting homework done or anything like that. I have just finished my sophomore year of college, and I now have only 3 semesters left at JBU. I am more than halfway finished! It's a freeing feeling, but also a scary one.

Speaking of scary, the first thing we did while we were in Branson was going to the IMAX theatre there. They had several different 45-min. shows; my dad had said he wanted to see the one they were showing on tornadoes. Being a big fan of tornado documentaries/shows/movies, I was very happy to go see it, as well. (Of course, no one else in the family objected to it either.)

The film was about this man whose goal in life at that time was to make a machine big enough to protect him from a tornado while trying to stay/look/film inside a tornado. We "followed" around the film crew as the storm chasers were doing their jobs and were trying to figure out why some storms made tornadoes and some didn't. By the end of the film, the man had succeeded in his dream of being inside a tornado and had filmed the footage. It was very cool and very scary.

My mom leaned over to me during the middle of the movie, and whispered, "I just keep thinking through this whole thing that God is saying, 'I am God and you are not.'" I nodded in agreement. Then that got me to thinking: God is so powerful. This is evidenced in His creation. Tornadoes are definitely a part of His creation. We tend to think of them as terrifying storms that bring about destruction. And they most definitely do. However, in themselves, they are so beautiful. Every time I see one on TV, I can't help but say, "Wow." They are so terrifying but yet they could only be created by the Almighty God. And to think that He is in control of these incredible storms!

This semester has been a really hard one for me. I had what you would call a "mid-college crisis." I constantly questioned whether I was in the right major. I was always asking myself, "What in the world am I going to do with music?!" (and sometimes I still do). I've stressed myself out so much with homework, that it became an excuse for me. It was a true excuse in the sense that I did have a ton to do all the time, but I began to use it even for myself. I would reason with myself, telling myself that I couldn't do any Bible reading tonight, because it was already too late; I needed my sleep and I had already worked so hard on my assignments for the evening. I'm going to be real with you guys; besides at church, I don't think I picked up my Bible once this semester. That definitely took its toll on me.

I started worrying about grades: I'm getting such low grades even though I feel like I'm working so hard at these classes . . . what if I don't keep my GPA at a certain level? Will I lose my scholarships? Where would I go to school? And lately, I've applied to about a bazillion different places for a summer job. I had one person call back for an interview, I felt like it went really well but I guess not; I didn't get it. What if I don't get a job at all?? Where am I going to get a source of income? So many worries . . . All because I had distanced myself from growing in the knowledge of my God and my Savior.

Don't get me wrong, just reading your Bible won't make your problems go away. But, they will decrease your problems, because you know that your God is bigger than anything you may face.

I started reading a book a few days ago called Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone by Elyse Fitzpatrick. I am already halfway through the book, and I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone, male or female, young or old. It's about how we as Christians tend to brush over the first (and also second) of the ten commandments to not make any gods before God/worship any idols. That is because we tend to think of idols/gods as outside of the heart, when really, the problem of idolatry is inside our hearts. Anything that takes the place of God in our thoughts, actions, etc. that we think will bring us more happiness is idolatry. School has been that idol in my life; not in a radical way. I don't intentionally "worship" classes or homework. But I unintentionally look to it for my ultimate happiness: I think that better grades will make me look smarter, my professors will think more highly of me, my classmates will respect me, and maybe even have the possibility of a good job in the future. The fact that it's taken over most of my time, and that it has pushed out my time with the Lord has made it an idol in my life. And I need to reset my priorities.

You may think, "What does this have to do with tornadoes?" Well, if the God of the entire universe can not only create but control storms like tornadoes, and even bigger ones than those, can He not take care of me and provide for me? Can He not bring me more joy, peace, and contentment than anything in the world? A tough question. It's one that needs to constantly be asked of me. Do I truly believe it? If I did, then I wouldn't be looking to schoolwork, or anything or anyone else for satisfaction. But yet, that's what I've been doing this whole semester.

Ouch.

Ahh, but there is good news for me yet! Christ came so that I could bury those idols at the cross. He paid for my sins, even when I constantly look to other things for satisfaction and happiness, however temporary it may be. All I can respond with is in thankfulness and repentance. This is my prayer:

Woe to me, I am unclean,
A sinner found in Your presence . . . 

Ruin my life, the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
Til it's You alone I live for.

-- "Ruin Me" by Jeff Johnson

An Awful Christian?

Have you ever felt like an awful Christian?

There have been quite a few times recently that I've felt that way. For instance, I have been comparing my life to a few of my friends'. (Why do I keep doing this to myself??! The world may never know.) I see friends that are doing awesome things for Christ: going to different countries for whole semesters/during the summer visiting orphans, working at summer camps as a counselor witnessing to young people, running marathons to raise money for kids in third world countries, fasting for awareness of an issue in another third world country... I could go on. I have so many friends that are doing awesome things for the name of Christ. And I'm not. At least not in those ways.

Since when did being a Christian become a competition?

There's something in me that tells me I'm an awful Christian often. "How can you call yourself a Christian? You've never even been out of the country! You're so lazy. What important things have you done? Nothing."

I know none of these things are true. Why, then, do I believe these lies a lot of the time? Maybe it's because I feel like I have to prove myself worthy to God or to my peers. Or maybe it's just to look good in front of others. If either of those are the case, why aren't my motives genuine? Shouldn't they be if I am a real follower of Christ?

I know I'm not called to go outside of the country. Is that bad? The Great Commission tells us we should go to all nations to preach the Gospel and make disciples, but surely our own country isn't one of those places. Or is it?

I know I feel called to stay within the United States. Not to say that I would never go outside the U.S. to go on a missions trip; I would definitely be open to it if that's something God wants me to do. However, as of now, I feel that my calling is for where I currently live. I am called to John Brown University to major in music. My ministry is the people that I see every day, and the new people I have yet to meet. My ministry is also to the music I make and share with others. That's it. Nothing extraordinary.

"But I'm still not doing anything great," my thought process continues. It's true that I am not currently doing nor have ever done any of the above things. It's not that I don't care about people; I genuinely do. I admit that I am not an activist. I am not a missionary to another country. I haven't been and won't be a camp counselor. I am not a marathon runner. I have my own talents and gifts that God has blessed me with, and I plan to use those to minister to others. I don't claim to be a "great Christian." All I want to be is an obedient servant of my King. At least I want to want it; sometimes I lack it because I want to do something incredible for His kingdom! But then, wouldn't that be glorifying myself rather than God?

Besides, if we were all the same, we wouldn't be His living and active body, now would we? We'd all be an eyeball or a foot.

Now, if I could just tell that to myself over and over, maybe I can get it into my thick head.

Short and sweet

It's finally spring break, and I almost didn't know what to do with myself at the first few moments of sweet freedom. I was so used to doing homework in whatever free time I had that I felt like I had to do something. I had to tell myself that I was on break, I didn't need to do any homework just then. Isn't that sad though, how much school has taken over my life?

But it's so true; school HAS taken over my whole life. I constantly feel like I have no time for friends, or at least very little. I do manage to get some quality time with Matt during the weekends, but even then, part of that time is spent doing homework together. Not a bad thing at all, but that just shows you.

Last year, I don't remember ever being this swamped. I at least had moderately good grades and yet I still had a lot of time to spend with friends and family. I was able to spend good time in the Word, too. This year, especially this semester, this has not been the case. I constantly feel like I need to be doing homework all the time; it's become my biggest excuse. Which is a legitimate excuse, but it's become my excuse for so many things, even just taking care of myself (cleaning my room, doing laundry, getting enough sleep, etc.) This has even become my excuse for not reading my Bible . . . How did it come to this?

I think this is a new tactic that Satan has been using to distract me. School has never been an issue for me in spending time with the Lord. Not before this year. This semester started off really stress-filled; from the start, I have felt fear in going to school and doing homework: will I fail these classes? Will I lose my scholarships? Will I have to go an extra semester than what I had planned? These always seemed to be the looming questions in the back of my mind, popping up at the times when I'm especially stressed.

I have come to realize that once again, I was trying to do everything myself and pushing God away from helping me. When will I learn that that is never going to work?!

Hopefully during spring break, I can get back on track with schoolwork. I also hope to catch up with family, spending good time with them and enjoying a break from stress and work. Most importantly, I hope to get back on track with getting into the Word every day and daily commit my life to Him. Praise God that I can always come back to Him when I've strayed from the path, running to His open, waiting arms!