Imagine that you are somewhere you regularly frequent, minding your own business and living your life as normal. In a particular moment, you could be sitting at a social gathering or you could be sitting at home alone by yourself. All of a sudden, you start to feel nauseated. Your head starts hurting, your eyes may hurt to look at anything/keep open. Your hands start to shake, and you have to sit down if you've been standing up. You feel like you're losing breath, and thus you start to feel like you're losing control of yourself. You have to excuse yourself from whatever it is you are doing and go to the restroom. You stand and brace yourself in front of a mirror or sit on the floor of the bathroom stall to concentrate on breathing until you feel better, which sometimes could only take a minute, or it could take 2 hours to recover from. You are shaken up either way, even after the feelings have passed. If you're in a public place, people keep asking you if you're okay. You either tell them "yes" and give them a smile so they won't worry and you don't feel like a burden to anyone, or you are actually honest with them and have to excuse yourself from doing anything else for a while and potentially go home. Sometimes you're even too afraid to do that for fear that it might happen again while you're driving.
Some of you know this about me, but some of you don't: I have an anxiety disorder. That means I tend to have panic attacks from time to time. For those of you that don't know what that feels like, the above scenario is what it typically feels like to me; it might be different for some people depending on their circumstances.
I didn't know I was suffering from an anxiety disorder until about over a year ago. Fall 2013 semester was a normal semester for me, for the most part. Early on in the semester, I started having moments when I felt nauseous with headaches, but I didn't think much about it because it didn't happen enough to really be of any concern for me. Then in the middle of the semester, I had a really bad one at church, and had to excuse myself for the rest of Sunday School and the main worship service. The attacks became more frequent, and soon I was having an attack at least once a week if not more. I thought it was caused by a food allergy or something of the sort, so I cut out dairy, gluten (since my dad is a Celiac, and the disease can be hereditary), and caffeine (yes, I gave up my beloved coffee). Even with all of that cut out, I was still having attacks regularly. During the first day of finals week, I had my worst one in the cafeteria while I was eating lunch with my friends. I had the above scenario happen, but this time, I wanted to leave my chair, but I legitimately felt paralyzed, glued to my chair. Alisha, one of my best friends, brought me outside and sat with me out in the cool air while I tried to get my body to calm down. She knew I had been struggling all semester with these instances (of which I didn't know were panic attacks at the time) and she told me I NEEDED to go to the doctor. Luckily I was able to go that afternoon, so she drove me because I still felt really weak from the attack.
My mom met us up at the clinic. We got in to see the doctor, and she started asking me questions about things. I felt like I answered her questions like I would any normal person, and she lightheartedly half-stated/half-asked me, "You are REALLY high strung, you know that?" I was kind of taken aback, because I didn't know that. I started thinking, "Is that what people think of me?" She then explained that I had an anxiety disorder, that it was actually really common for adults to have them, that it was because I had low seratonin levels in my brain, and to put it simply, if my brain isn't able to reproduce enough of it at a time, my brain and body both literally freak out (the attacks). She said she was going to put me on an antidepressant, and I immediately interjected saying I didn't want one because I had heard bad stories of people being on them and becoming too dependent on them, and I didn't want to be one of those people. My mom assured me that it was okay, that the one she was prescribing me was one that was okay. I trust her judgment on a lot of things, so I felt a little better about it. I struggled with it for a few days, and so I went to another doctor who prescribed another kind, and it's helped so much with cutting down the amount of attacks I've had in the past year. I still have a few occasionally, but it has been significantly better since then.
I explain all of that to say that I have had a lot of trusted Christian friends shove down my throat the command that God gives us to not worry. Some don't believe anxiety is a medical issue, but only a mental thing we create for ourselves that causes us to worry and therefore we don't trust God. However, there is the other side of the coin where I know of people that only believe it is a medical condition and we can't do anything about it.
I don't believe either extreme is correct. I do strongly believe that we are commanded not to worry about our lives, because as Christians, we are God's people, and He loves us and cares about us deeply. He is sovereign over the whole earth, even if we don't understand why things happen. And there are indeed certain people who only have anxiety because they haven't dealt with certain sin in their life/don't have God in their life/etc. and they need to fix that. However, I also know that it won't go away right away, even if we've changed our circumstances. I think our bodies and minds have all been tainted by sin in the world, and I think anxiety is/can be a very real, medical issue. I trust in God and know He is all-powerful, but I also struggle with these attacks. I can literally have nothing to worry about in my life and still have attacks sometimes.
Having anxiety attacks is hard because this all happens internally and people who have never experienced them have no idea what it feels like and don't know how to help us. But I also know that those who have this disorder are not alone; there are SO many out there who struggle with this, sometimes daily or weekly.
This was more of an informative post than anything else. If you are struggling with anxiety and having attacks, you are more than welcome to talk with me about it, or if you have no idea what it is, I'd be happy to answer questions for you. I'm not a doctor, and I don't claim to be, but I am always eager to share what I know about it.
I try not to let anxiety get to me or affect my life, because I know there's nothing to worry about. They come and go at random times, which I can't help and it stinks, but I know that one day I will have a new physical body and a renewed mind that will not suffer from any illness, that I can use to serve God forever (thank goodness for that!)
...I don't think we should hide our burdens. None of us are perfect, and we all carry them. We all wrestle with different things. We are called to bear each others' burdens, to help each other get through difficult times, and pray for one another.
This is true, brotherly love.
No comments:
Post a Comment