Bury Them in a Hole.

The other day, I realized that we had 1 week until Thanksgiving Day. Which means that we had 3 weeks until Candlelight services at JBU. Which means the week after that is finals week. 

After this semester ends, I will have exactly a year left until I graduate college. 

This makes me want to scream for joy and fear at the same time. There's a part of me that feels like I have so much left to do while I'm in this season of my life. I feel like I have so much more to learn, so much left to participate in, so much left of me to pour into my friends. And yet, I feel convicted. I haven't been spending a whole lot of time with my friends lately. I know everyone's lives start going crazy towards the end of the semester, but yet I feel so out of touch with them. I had dinner with a few of them the other night and realized that some big stuff was going on with them, and I had no idea. At the same time, I am conflicted. How do I pour into my friends and keep up with boyfriend, family, homework/grades, and just keeping my room clean?? 

Sometimes I often wonder if I'm really making an impact in anyone's life. This is not an "I wish I mattered to people, oh woe is me" plug; this is a genuine concern that I have. What am I doing to leave the impression of Christ on someone's heart? Am I just simply living life day by day, just to get by or even to get ahead of others?

There are so many things I hear all the time about how we all need to do something incredible with our lives. Half of the people I notice around me are overachievers: tutoring, working out, involved in social groups, and keep straight A's while others just struggle to get by each day in just getting homework done. I look around me and feel like so many people have it all figured out, and at the same time have impacted so many people by the work they do. Me? I'm either stuck in my bedroom at home or in the first floor of the cathedral doing homework when I'm not in class. Is what I'm doing with my life right now completely meaningless? In the midst of all the craziness of my life, am I really pouring into my friends and other people I happen to meet? Am I "reaching my full potential"?

We had a guest speaker come speak to us in chapel the other day, and he spoke on not wasting your life. I saw the first slide of the powerpoint and thought, "Oh great, another charismatic speaker wanting us to go do something 'big' with our life." I've heard so many other speakers talk on this subject before, that I've just basically learned to listen through one ear and out the other with this subject.

This speaker was not charismatic. The man had never spoken in a second language (which to him was English) to an audience before. It terrified him. He told us that that wouldn't get in his way of doing what he knew he had to do.

He read and explained the parable of the talents in Matt. 25:14-30. The first two men were given several talents and used them to the best of their ability. They didn't know what was going to happen with them; all they knew was that they had been given a gift and that they needed to use them. The other third man hid his away. The reasons for why we can hide our talents and not use them are: we procrastinate, thinking that we'll have more time later; we have a wrong view of who God is, that we think He's an unloving harsh God who would smite us at the moment we fail; and/or we are fearful (which honestly ties into a wrong view of God). As the speaker explained these reasons, I felt a tug at my heart. I know I am guilty of all three of the above.

How do I fix this? The answer is that I can't do all of these things by myself. I would get so tired in trying. I have to let God work in me and through me. All I have to do is trust God to get me through, and He will.

Another question is: am I being passive in my living or am I actively living my life in the place I am called to? I have to be content with the fact that I AM in the place where I am supposed to be. But am I getting by in that place or am I an encouragement to my friends and classmates? Do I help others out with things they need help with? Do I make good, worthwhile conversation?

Sometimes, I feel like I'll have more time to do "important things" after I graduate, because then I can get a job in ministry, or be able to lead a group of young women in a Bible study, etc. I have to keep telling myself that life is not going to slow down anymore after graduation next fall. The time is NOW. If I keep putting things off until "later", they will never get done. I don't like procrastinating on homework, so why should I procrastinate in using my talents for His glory? Why should I be fearful in talking about Jesus with others when God has given me the love of meeting new people? Why am I afraid to share the Gospel with others when God has given me all the answers in His word? I have nothing to be afraid of. I have all the answers and the entire message that I need to share. I DO have time.

We are the light of the world. We also have a very short time here on earth. What are going to do with that time? Obedience that is delayed is still disobedience. Friends, let us not live life passively. Let's not bury our gifts in a hole so that they are never used. Whatever we do, let's do it for His glory.

Let's make His name known with the talents HE has given us.

Peace in Thunderstorms.

I scurried through the pouring rain, scuffing large puddles of water and thus drenching my shoes and socks. I at least brought my rain jacket, but didn't think to zip it up. You guessed it, there was a big wet spot on the top of my shirt. As if I didn't already feel less-than-pretty, I came into the Cathedral feeling and looking like a wet rat.

Despite this unpleasant experience, I enjoy the thunder and rain. If I were still in my pajamas at home, sipping a cup of coffee/tea/cider by candlelight, then I would be in heaven. There's a certain feeling I get whenever I watch or listen to a thunderstorm. There's this unsettling anxiety about the thunder and lightning, but peace with the rain. Often, though, the thunder and the rain happen simultaneously. How is it that I have peace AND fear inside of me at the same time?

I think this ties in very well with life. Thunderstorms are inevitable, and you can't ignore them. They demand attention. With lightning strikes filling up the sky with light and majesty, the thunder that accompanies it roars with authority. There are many instances of thunder & lightning in my life: not knowing what's going to happen after I graduate next December, not knowing how to balance my school life and social life completely, not knowing if I'll be able to make enough money to provide for myself, making my friends and boyfriend angry or offended, not gaining the approval of my professors,  not knowing whether I have a food allergy or what, and not knowing whether I'll live or die another day (and yes, that is a fear of mine). Those are only a FEW. These are all things that make me feel unsettled to say the least.

There are others out there that have bigger thunder & lightning things to deal with: a man without a job, a woman that is not able to have biological children, a grandmother that has alzheimer's, a young lady dealing with depression and despair, a man struggling to find his sexual identity. These are only a few instances; there are many others that demand your complete attention and strike so much fear into your heart and mind.

These are events and sometimes seasons of life that you feel like you can't bear on your own. You need help, you need rest.

I can also see thunder & lightning as a parallel to one half of God's character. His holiness and awesomeness demands attention; it does (or should make you) unsettled and somewhat fearful. Sometimes, He is unpredictable and surprises you with things. He is transcendent, ruler over all creation.

But there is another half, another side of God: one that brings a gentle rain to water the earth. He cares for His children and helps carry them through the bumps and pits of life. He brings about the ultimate good. He is immanent with and actively involved in His creation.

We will also have seasons or events of life that are pleasant, easy-going like the rain. We find love in another friend, an incredible need is met, an answer to prayer is given, and contentment with where you are.

We need the seasons of rain, but we also need the seasons of thunder & lightning alongside of the rain. A lot of the time, you can jump into something and not know what's going to happen. Despite the fear that accompanies that, you can have peace knowing that everything will turn out okay in the end. We need the thunder & lightning seasons so we can be challenged and grow more than we ever could have without it. Of course we need the seasons of gentle rain to rest from those challenges and grow in our walk with the Lord in that way.

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven - ...
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance ... He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." - Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3-4, 11.

We don't always have to know why things happen. God just requires that we trust Him.

Home.

Today was an important day for my grandparents.

Today, they moved from the house they've lived in for over 30 years to a smaller house closer to where we live.

Today, I feel slightly heavy-hearted.

Why?

I practically grew up in that house. I went to that house all the time, spent a lot of weekends and holidays with our family there. My cousins, sister, and I crafted plans to spy on our parents and the grandparents when they would watch movies in the living room. Lindsey, Grandma, and I would have tea parties with these little plastic colorful plates and cups in the kitchen. My cousin Sarah and I would lay in bed talking until really late whenever we had sleepovers there. I remember recently sitting in the living room with both of my grandparents as my Papa would play us some of his favorite records.

These are only just a few precious memories I have of being in that house. And those are only my own. I can't even imagine how many other countless memories have been kept by being in that house.

Can you see why I would be a little sad?

I have to remember, though, that this is just a house. No matter how long it's been lived in by family, no matter how long it's been since it's been built, it's just a house. It was built with human hands, and it will not last forever.

I think also a deeper lesson to be taken from this move is that while this is not my own house and while I'm not the one moving, my own house is temporary. I'm not going to live there forever. Someday, I will no longer live here on this earth. Someday, I will live in a place that my Savior has prepared for me. Someday, I will go to live with HIM. My Savior and my God.

As I sat at the edge of the Alto I section of Cathedral choir practice today, I sat there listening to my fellow classmates sing "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." It gave me the chills and sounded like angels singing. I can't even imagine how angels REALLY sing; to think that it might possibly be better than what I witnessed today . . . This makes me so stinking excited for eternity.

Guys, even though we may get caught up in how life is for us today, this is only a small piece of the pie. School is not our whole life. Neither is our earthly possessions. These things won't last forever. They will pass away.

"Aber des Herrn Wort bleibet in Ewigkeit!" (German for "But the Lord's Word endures forever!" which is taken from the Brahm's Requiem that we will be performing in the spring with SONA.)

How awesome of a promise is that?

Can't Think of A Good Title for This One.

There are two major things I just want to hash out on in this post. The first about my beef with social media and [kind of] alongside that, dealing with relationships & friends.

Social media. First of all, I have such a love-hate relationship with it. I absolutely love that I can keep up with people that I never see or hardly ever see but that I genuinely do care about. However, there comes a point where Facebook posts drive me CRAZY. Some people really do just get on my nerves. So why don't I unfriend them? Because I feel like a horrible, awful person if and when I do that. I'm supposed to be loving, accepting, and get along with everyone, right??? Society also encourages having as many hundreds of thousands of friends/followers as possible. To go even further, why don't I just deactivate my account? Because I still want to keep up with people I don't see often. I want to know what's going on in everyone's lives. This is my problem. Blegh. 

In addition to this, I feel like everyone's lives completely revolve around Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, etc. We have to put ourselves out there for everyone to see, and everyone has to like what they see. We scream for attention, we base our worth on how many likes we get on a picture or status or tweet. I am especially guilty of this. Why should my life be based on what other people like? It's my life, not theirs. We want to feel acceptance and affirmation. We want to be liked. Nothing wrong with that, but if that's your only motive for posting stuff, then you've got to either stop posting stuff or cut off what's making you stumble. Yet again, see my above dilemma . . . I can stop logging in at any time. Why don't I? Why is it such a powerful thing that draws me in all the time, even though I know it's not beneficial to me? Probably because it's so available. Having an iphone and a laptop available to me whenever I need them, it's so easy to log in and start reading about others' lives. I start to play the comparison game. "Her wardrobe is much cuter than mine, I need to work on that." "Gosh, her makeup always looks perfect, why can't mine be like that?" "Look at all the awesome things she's doing with her life! My life sucks in comparison." Yeah, I could go on, but you get the picture. Mrah. 

It also takes away from really personal meaningful friendships. Since my friends post about their lives all the time, it makes me think I don't have to ask how they're doing, because I just read about it on a website. Tonight, I've discovered just how many flimsy, unmeaningful friendships I have with people. Sure, I know a lot of people, but do most of them really even care what I have to say? Do they appreciate me being their friend or acquaintance? Or are they just smiling and being friendly just to be nice? How many people are actually REAL friends? 

Kind of a depressing subject, actually . . . Moving on . . . 

Now, relationships. Being in one myself for only a little over a year, I don't claim to know everything there is to know about having a successful relationship. But just in observing not only my own relationship, but my friends' relationships and friendships around me, these are just a few things I've learned. 

1. Be considerate of your single friends. To some extent, you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are dating, so you should act like you're a couple. But some people have a problem with seeing their friends get really touchy. Some don't want to see you kiss in front of them. Ask your friends what they're not comfortable with and what they are comfortable with. 

2. Listen to your parents. Especially if you're younger. As young adults, you are generally grown up enough to make your own decisions. However, your parents have also been there and done that; they know the same struggles/fights you get into with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and they have probably had some of the same temptations that you have faced. They've been through this stuff, too, even though it has been a few years for them. Let them help you and give you advice. 

3. DON'T IGNORE YOUR FRIENDS. This is so sO SO SOOO incredibly important. Yes, you want to spend as much time with your significant other as possible, but you most likely had your friends before your significant other. They still love you for who you are. They still want to hang out with you. 

Don't treat them like crap. 

I know of so many single friends (guys and girls alike) who have been ditched by their girl or guy friends gradually over time because they got into a relationship. These friends have been hurt deeply. I myself have had to be confronted about this towards the beginning of Matt and I's relationship. I didn't realize it until my friends had vocalized it to me, and I was genuinely sorry. If you're in a relationship, maybe you don't realize that you're hurting someone because you're still in the "honeymoon phase". Even though I'm in a relationship, I still feel hurt when a girl friend of mine stops putting time into the friendship because of her boyfriend. Guys can do the same exact things. 

Include each other in fun activities. Ask your friends if you can bring your boyfriend/girlfriend with you in the time you spend with your friends. Go on double dates. Also make time to spend JUST with your friends. Even your significant other needs friend time with his or her own group of friends if they're not the same as yours. 

Just don't exclude others from your life. 

If you read through this post, thank you. This wasn't really a "what-I'm-learning-spiritually" post, but I felt like it needed to be said anyway. 

I will say that my fifth semester at JBU started on Wednesday, and so far, it has been really good! I have a really good feeling about this semester, and it looks like it won't be NEARLY as stressful as the past year has been. PTL!!! 

I also will say that I am very thankful for Matt, my family, and for my real friends that I have that I know truly do care about me (you know who you are)! 

I am also thankful for God, who loves me even when I fail Him constantly. He never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself. He always pursues me with an unfailing love, and helps me grow in my walk with Him every day. 

I hope you are all doing well, and I still hope that this post has made you think and/or encourages you. 

An Ungrateful Heart

For about a week now, I've been working on getting old clothes and such together so that I could be able to sell them to a consignment store, and maybe get some money from it. I didn't expect to get a lot for them, but I thought, "Hey, maybe I could get SOMETHING for them." So, today, I gathered all 8 large filled-to-the-brim bags to Plato's Closet, and gave them my stuff. Even though their website says they accept books, CDs, and DVDs and such, none of the NWA stores apparently accept them . . . Grrr .  . . They gave me an hour for them to check out all my clothing items, so I went to run another errand or two while I waited. I came back when the hour was up, and I walked up to the counter. The girl handed me two bags of stuff they didn't want . . . then the third . . . then the fourth . . . until finally, she gave me back ALL of the bags I had given her. Apparently none of the clothes I had brought them were the "right" brands that they accepted. Either that or they were older than they wanted, which was at least 2 years. I knew some of those brands that they wanted that I had given them were definitely under 2 years old and in good condition. Anyway, they gave me nothing for my clothes. NOTHING.

I was so upset. I had worked so hard to research which store to give away my stuff to, how much I might be getting paid, organizing which clothes they might accept and which stuff they wouldn't, etc. And what did I get for it? Nada.

I decided to just head to Goodwill to give them all of my stuff; I just wanted it gone now.

The whole ride there, I was seething. "This is so unfair!" and "Those idiots, I'm NEVER going back there again!" ran repeatedly through my head.

Then after I calmed down some and when I had pulled up to Goodwill and given the man all of my bags, I remembered something.

Earlier that afternoon, I had been watching a lecture video for my online philosophy class. This particular lecture was on the different views that media has for why there is evil and suffering in the world. There was a documentary where I saw a man (who's arm and leg were cut off) and his family who lived on a piece of cardboard in between two railroad tracks. He had rolled over in his sleep one night onto the track and the train ran over his arm and leg. He obviously survived the accident, but it was so painful to watch him hobbling around with one arm and leg and a crutch, begging for food or money just so his FAMILY could get by. It wasn't just him that was homeless, but he had children there living with him.

Another documentary showed the Twin Towers fall from the plane crash from 9/11. There were people screaming and one man covering his head while he was bent down.

Yet another documentary showed this one woman who had become paralyzed from a diving accident (she was a swimmer). She went through many years of depression and bitterness, but then came to Christ through her struggles. She now goes and speaks to people and gives her testimony.

Each one of these videos made me cry . . .

How did I not remember this nearly two hours later with my clothes incident?!

I am ungrateful.

I really try to be. I really do. I keep up with a thankfulness journal and write in it every day, trying to pen down at least one thing I'm thankful for each day. Some days I am genuinely grateful for what/who I write down. Some days, it's a half-hearted thing. Why is this? Why can I not be grateful for what I have all the time??

I think the problem is that I have so much already, I just crave more. More food, more money, more stuff. That's the way I've been raised; I live in the richest percentage of the world. I have parts of college paid for through scholarships. I GET to go to college. I have food available to me at all parts of the day. I have plenty of clothes and shoes. I have my own electric piano and several guitars. I have my own bed. (I could go on, but you get the point.)

I'm not claiming to be filthy rich by any means, because I'm not. But in comparison to the rest of the world, I have much. So much more.

What comes to mind is the parable that Jesus told in Luke 7:36-50 when the woman who was a sinner wept and wiped His feet with her perfume. I can't even imagine how much more expensive perfume was considered back then, but I know right now that real perfume is so incredibly expensive! She could have used that to help her pay her way or to get food, but she chose this costly treasure to worship the true Treasure. The parable explains that the one who has a bigger debt, is more grateful than the one who had a smaller one.

First of all, what do I consider my greatest treasure? Is it Christ? Or something earthly and temporal?

Secondly, am I truly grateful for what I've been given? If I woke up tomorrow with only the things/people I was thankful for today, what would I have?

That's a convicting thought.

Lord, help me to be more grateful for the blessings that You HAVE given me. Thank you for what you have given to me! I pray that I will be a faithful servant with Your gifts. Help me to humble myself and diminish my awful pride! Let my faith grow, and help me to remember that You are the Creator and Sustainer of all things. Help me to treasure You above all things and all other people. Amen.

Picture Perfect.

I am a girl.

Yeah, I know, I'm definitely stating the obvious. And because I'm a girl, I'm attracted to pretty things. In reality, I think everyone, regardless of gender, is attracted to pretty things or things/people they find beautiful, but I think females are more obvious about it.

Today, Matt and I were running errands, looking for clothes (just jeans for him) because it was tax-free weekend in Arkansas for back-to-school clothes and school supplies. I had been wanting to find a maxi skirt that would actually look good on me, because they rarely do, so Matt willingly went with me to a few more shops so I could possibly find one. I tried on a few at several stores, even before today, and had found none that looked good on me. The last shop we went to was filled with really cute clothes that reflected the newest styles coming out. At last, I found a maxi skirt that looked promising! I went into the dressing room to try it on. I tried on one size, and it didn't look right. So, being hopeful, I tried on the next larger size. It fit me better, but still didn't fit right. I looked at myself in the mirror for a good 3 minutes or so while I argued inside my head: should I get it, or should I put it back on the rack? The more I kept looking at myself, the more it just didn't look right on me, so I ended up not getting it. Not a big deal, right? It happens to everyone.

We got in the car, and I started thinking to myself: "Why did I have to have such big hips?" and "Why didn't my body look 'right'?" were popping up like a virus in my mind. It was as if I was supposed to be able to fit that skirt, but I had somehow failed. Thoughts of "I need to exercise more, that will fix me", etc. also filled my mind, like I needed to fix my body.

I have always had a low image of myself. I know everyone went through an awkward phase in their life, but I feel like mine lasted longer and was way more awkward than most people. I didn't have a lot of friends in middle school, and I was made fun of for how I looked. I was the tallest girl in my class, and I was not thin. I had braces for a little over 3 years, and had a really bad haircut that was always greasy all the time.

Over the years, little by little, I've gotten over my awkwardness, grown up, and gotten somewhat over the need to look drop-dead gorgeous. But I still have my moments when I struggle. However, I know I'm not alone.

Women young and old have always felt the need to be beautiful. What we desire most is to be looked at as a goddess. We want to BE desirable and to be cherished and loved. So what do we invest ourselves in? Makeup. Clothes. Shoes. Nail polish. Teeth whitening trays. Curling irons and hair straighteners.

Don't get me wrong, I've really started appreciating dressing nicer and wearing/experimenting with makeup and such. I think it's a ton of fun to go shop with friends and get all dressed up and the like. I don't think it's wrong to do those things either. But those things should express who YOU are, not what everyone else is doing. Not what society thinks is cool. If you really like something that's in style right now that isn't unflattering or something that makes men's eyes wander, then of course it's great! It's when your life is covered up: when what you're putting on your face, body, etc. is all a lie. If you're hiding from the real you, then what good is it? We don't get to know the really cool person beneath all of that stuff. I know Matt loves me for who I am, and so do my friends. I don't need to dress a certain way or wear my hair/makeup a certain way to get their approval or make them like me more. I know God loves me without all of those things, too. My family loves me. So, who do I need to impress anyway?

I know this is a message we've all heard since we were twelve. I know guys struggle with this as well. I also know that no matter how many times we get preached at, it's hard. We want to look good for other people so we'll be liked. OR, we don't like ourselves, so we change who we are completely.

Fashion changes. "What's in" changes. The person beneath doesn't. Or at least they shouldn't. 

Humility, gentleness, graciousness, love, joy, and above all, Christlikeness. Those are things that are purely contagious. Those are things that make a person attractive. 

If I don't like who God has created me to be, I'm pretty much just telling Him that what He created wasn't good enough.

Ouch.

Colossians 3:2 commands us: "Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Things from earth in general are temporary. Will they matter in the eternal perspective? Of course not.

Ladies (and gents), let's focus instead more on training in godliness.

My Apology

To all of my friends/acquaintances who have been hurt by the church,

Your family was falling apart. The church did nothing.
You were struggling with your identity. The church laughed at you.
You needed help financially. The church didn't try to help.
You had questions. The church didn't try to answer them.
You needed love. The church didn't give you any.
You were different from everyone else. The church didn't include you.
You gave into temptation. The church called you names.
You needed truth. The church didn't teach it.
You needed Jesus. The church didn't share Him with you.
You got fed up and left. The church didn't run after you.

This is the sad truth for all of you. Today, I truly see and read ALL of the things you post on Facebook and Instagram. It breaks my heart to see you still struggling. I wish that had never happened to you.

You may not ever want to go to a church again. You've been hurt so badly and have been so impacted by what happened, that you would never put yourself in that position again. Never again would you put your heart out there for people to tear apart again.

You know what? I was deeply hurt by a church, too. Several, in fact.

There are a lot of churches out there that don't show Christ's love and don't teach about the true Gospel. Most of the time, church is just a place where people tell you what to do and not to do; it teaches of moralism or is so watered down and wishy-washy that there is no truth at all. It has not done its job in helping broken people and reaching out to those who need it most.

However, I have found a few churches who have welcomed me in, who teach the truth of the Gospel, and also share the love of Christ with everyone who comes in. Their aim is to actually teach the Bible, to grow in Godliness, and to reach out to broken people. By the way, EVERYONE is broken. We all need Jesus to change our lives.

That's another thing too: you've probably gone to church your whole life and have been taught what to do and what not to do. That is moralism. That is NOT Christianity. That is only changing what's on the outside. It does not change your heart. Everyone sins; everyone does/thinks/says something that breaks God's heart. We all go astray. We all deserve eternal punishment. None of us are good enough in our actions/thoughts/etc. to earn our way into heaven. We have all broken the first two of the 10 Commandments: we make other gods besides the true God and we make idols out of so many things: our friends, money, tv shows, our boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. God is so holy that He can't be in the presence of sin.

But, that's NOT the end of the story.

Christ radically changes your heart for the better. Having a relationship with Jesus is the greatest thing in the world! He WANTS you. He wants a relationship with you! He LOVES you! He provided a way for us to be able to be with God forever in heaven someday! How totally awesome is that?! I sure don't deserve that. None of us do. But He humbled himself and died on a cross, which by the way was the lowest possible way to die, to be saved from sin. He did that because He loves us!!! Oh, friend, if you don't have this very great and amazing relationship with Jesus, please come to Him. He is ALWAYS ready and waiting for you to come to Him!

To sum up: I am sorry. I am sorry for what you have experienced in church before that has driven you away. The true Gospel of Christ IS somewhat offensive, because it shows that we all sin and that we are not good people. [Yes, we are able to do good things, but we are not good enough to earn our way to heaven.] However, if you have been driven away because of how the people within the church have treated you, I am sincerely sorry. The church's job is to help you through whatever problem you have in your life and in whatever sin you are struggling with. Instead, we form Christian cliques and exclude people who are not like us. We're uncomfortable with the idea of sharing Christ with others. We fear what people think of us.

Christians don't necessarily have it all figured out. We have problems, too. We're not perfect in the least. And being a follower of Christ is NOT easy. At all. It's pretty freaking hard. But compared to what Jesus has done for us, what we have to go through in order to stand up for Him and become more like Him is like nothing.

I would love to talk with any of you on any of what I just rambled on about. Seriously! If you want to talk and have been hurt by the church before, have never been to church before, or have never even read the Bible yourself,  PLEASE message me, call me, text, whatever it takes! We are supposed to help each other, to bear one another's burdens and thereby fulfill the law of Christ (Gal. 6:2).

I love you all very much. I am praying for each of you.

~Lauren

Tornadoes and Idols

My family and I just got back from a small getaway to Branson this weekend, and we had a lot of fun. It's been a while since we've done something as a family, and it was nice to not have to worry about getting homework done or anything like that. I have just finished my sophomore year of college, and I now have only 3 semesters left at JBU. I am more than halfway finished! It's a freeing feeling, but also a scary one.

Speaking of scary, the first thing we did while we were in Branson was going to the IMAX theatre there. They had several different 45-min. shows; my dad had said he wanted to see the one they were showing on tornadoes. Being a big fan of tornado documentaries/shows/movies, I was very happy to go see it, as well. (Of course, no one else in the family objected to it either.)

The film was about this man whose goal in life at that time was to make a machine big enough to protect him from a tornado while trying to stay/look/film inside a tornado. We "followed" around the film crew as the storm chasers were doing their jobs and were trying to figure out why some storms made tornadoes and some didn't. By the end of the film, the man had succeeded in his dream of being inside a tornado and had filmed the footage. It was very cool and very scary.

My mom leaned over to me during the middle of the movie, and whispered, "I just keep thinking through this whole thing that God is saying, 'I am God and you are not.'" I nodded in agreement. Then that got me to thinking: God is so powerful. This is evidenced in His creation. Tornadoes are definitely a part of His creation. We tend to think of them as terrifying storms that bring about destruction. And they most definitely do. However, in themselves, they are so beautiful. Every time I see one on TV, I can't help but say, "Wow." They are so terrifying but yet they could only be created by the Almighty God. And to think that He is in control of these incredible storms!

This semester has been a really hard one for me. I had what you would call a "mid-college crisis." I constantly questioned whether I was in the right major. I was always asking myself, "What in the world am I going to do with music?!" (and sometimes I still do). I've stressed myself out so much with homework, that it became an excuse for me. It was a true excuse in the sense that I did have a ton to do all the time, but I began to use it even for myself. I would reason with myself, telling myself that I couldn't do any Bible reading tonight, because it was already too late; I needed my sleep and I had already worked so hard on my assignments for the evening. I'm going to be real with you guys; besides at church, I don't think I picked up my Bible once this semester. That definitely took its toll on me.

I started worrying about grades: I'm getting such low grades even though I feel like I'm working so hard at these classes . . . what if I don't keep my GPA at a certain level? Will I lose my scholarships? Where would I go to school? And lately, I've applied to about a bazillion different places for a summer job. I had one person call back for an interview, I felt like it went really well but I guess not; I didn't get it. What if I don't get a job at all?? Where am I going to get a source of income? So many worries . . . All because I had distanced myself from growing in the knowledge of my God and my Savior.

Don't get me wrong, just reading your Bible won't make your problems go away. But, they will decrease your problems, because you know that your God is bigger than anything you may face.

I started reading a book a few days ago called Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone by Elyse Fitzpatrick. I am already halfway through the book, and I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone, male or female, young or old. It's about how we as Christians tend to brush over the first (and also second) of the ten commandments to not make any gods before God/worship any idols. That is because we tend to think of idols/gods as outside of the heart, when really, the problem of idolatry is inside our hearts. Anything that takes the place of God in our thoughts, actions, etc. that we think will bring us more happiness is idolatry. School has been that idol in my life; not in a radical way. I don't intentionally "worship" classes or homework. But I unintentionally look to it for my ultimate happiness: I think that better grades will make me look smarter, my professors will think more highly of me, my classmates will respect me, and maybe even have the possibility of a good job in the future. The fact that it's taken over most of my time, and that it has pushed out my time with the Lord has made it an idol in my life. And I need to reset my priorities.

You may think, "What does this have to do with tornadoes?" Well, if the God of the entire universe can not only create but control storms like tornadoes, and even bigger ones than those, can He not take care of me and provide for me? Can He not bring me more joy, peace, and contentment than anything in the world? A tough question. It's one that needs to constantly be asked of me. Do I truly believe it? If I did, then I wouldn't be looking to schoolwork, or anything or anyone else for satisfaction. But yet, that's what I've been doing this whole semester.

Ouch.

Ahh, but there is good news for me yet! Christ came so that I could bury those idols at the cross. He paid for my sins, even when I constantly look to other things for satisfaction and happiness, however temporary it may be. All I can respond with is in thankfulness and repentance. This is my prayer:

Woe to me, I am unclean,
A sinner found in Your presence . . . 

Ruin my life, the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
Til it's You alone I live for.

-- "Ruin Me" by Jeff Johnson

An Awful Christian?

Have you ever felt like an awful Christian?

There have been quite a few times recently that I've felt that way. For instance, I have been comparing my life to a few of my friends'. (Why do I keep doing this to myself??! The world may never know.) I see friends that are doing awesome things for Christ: going to different countries for whole semesters/during the summer visiting orphans, working at summer camps as a counselor witnessing to young people, running marathons to raise money for kids in third world countries, fasting for awareness of an issue in another third world country... I could go on. I have so many friends that are doing awesome things for the name of Christ. And I'm not. At least not in those ways.

Since when did being a Christian become a competition?

There's something in me that tells me I'm an awful Christian often. "How can you call yourself a Christian? You've never even been out of the country! You're so lazy. What important things have you done? Nothing."

I know none of these things are true. Why, then, do I believe these lies a lot of the time? Maybe it's because I feel like I have to prove myself worthy to God or to my peers. Or maybe it's just to look good in front of others. If either of those are the case, why aren't my motives genuine? Shouldn't they be if I am a real follower of Christ?

I know I'm not called to go outside of the country. Is that bad? The Great Commission tells us we should go to all nations to preach the Gospel and make disciples, but surely our own country isn't one of those places. Or is it?

I know I feel called to stay within the United States. Not to say that I would never go outside the U.S. to go on a missions trip; I would definitely be open to it if that's something God wants me to do. However, as of now, I feel that my calling is for where I currently live. I am called to John Brown University to major in music. My ministry is the people that I see every day, and the new people I have yet to meet. My ministry is also to the music I make and share with others. That's it. Nothing extraordinary.

"But I'm still not doing anything great," my thought process continues. It's true that I am not currently doing nor have ever done any of the above things. It's not that I don't care about people; I genuinely do. I admit that I am not an activist. I am not a missionary to another country. I haven't been and won't be a camp counselor. I am not a marathon runner. I have my own talents and gifts that God has blessed me with, and I plan to use those to minister to others. I don't claim to be a "great Christian." All I want to be is an obedient servant of my King. At least I want to want it; sometimes I lack it because I want to do something incredible for His kingdom! But then, wouldn't that be glorifying myself rather than God?

Besides, if we were all the same, we wouldn't be His living and active body, now would we? We'd all be an eyeball or a foot.

Now, if I could just tell that to myself over and over, maybe I can get it into my thick head.

Short and sweet

It's finally spring break, and I almost didn't know what to do with myself at the first few moments of sweet freedom. I was so used to doing homework in whatever free time I had that I felt like I had to do something. I had to tell myself that I was on break, I didn't need to do any homework just then. Isn't that sad though, how much school has taken over my life?

But it's so true; school HAS taken over my whole life. I constantly feel like I have no time for friends, or at least very little. I do manage to get some quality time with Matt during the weekends, but even then, part of that time is spent doing homework together. Not a bad thing at all, but that just shows you.

Last year, I don't remember ever being this swamped. I at least had moderately good grades and yet I still had a lot of time to spend with friends and family. I was able to spend good time in the Word, too. This year, especially this semester, this has not been the case. I constantly feel like I need to be doing homework all the time; it's become my biggest excuse. Which is a legitimate excuse, but it's become my excuse for so many things, even just taking care of myself (cleaning my room, doing laundry, getting enough sleep, etc.) This has even become my excuse for not reading my Bible . . . How did it come to this?

I think this is a new tactic that Satan has been using to distract me. School has never been an issue for me in spending time with the Lord. Not before this year. This semester started off really stress-filled; from the start, I have felt fear in going to school and doing homework: will I fail these classes? Will I lose my scholarships? Will I have to go an extra semester than what I had planned? These always seemed to be the looming questions in the back of my mind, popping up at the times when I'm especially stressed.

I have come to realize that once again, I was trying to do everything myself and pushing God away from helping me. When will I learn that that is never going to work?!

Hopefully during spring break, I can get back on track with schoolwork. I also hope to catch up with family, spending good time with them and enjoying a break from stress and work. Most importantly, I hope to get back on track with getting into the Word every day and daily commit my life to Him. Praise God that I can always come back to Him when I've strayed from the path, running to His open, waiting arms!

NATS and Pits

It's been like a month and a half since I last blogged on here... Life has been so crazy! This semester is whizzing by. Which can be a good thing and a bad thing. I need to remember to sit back and enjoy the time that God has given me to live.

So... NATS. Oh my word. What an experience. Working hard up until we had to leave was challenging time-wise because I wasn't used to practicing as much as I was every day. The excitement of going grew with each day fast approaching . . . I had gotten sick a few weeks before and had not gotten well by the time we left, so that was hard on me physically and emotionally.

We left the BPAC around 5 pm on Thursday afternoon/evening. It took a little longer getting there than what we thought, because of traffic, and we also had to pick up Mrs. Rollene from her house. We got to the hotel around 10 pm and unloaded our stuff. Gabby, Ashley, and I roomed together, and we all had a good night's rest that night.

The next morning was really chill for the girls; we took our time getting ready and we even had time to do homework in the hotel lobby. We grabbed lunch and then headed to Ouachita Baptist. We went with Mrs. Funk, our accompanist, to our assigned practice room to warm up and practice each of our pieces. Luckily for us, the three of us assigned back to back in when we were to perform. I remember getting to the room where we were supposed to sing before the judges about 10 minutes early, and the guy standing outside the door said that they were going through people really fast, and that they were ready for me whenever I wanted to go in. I took in a deep breath and walked in. The judges were other voice teachers from different schools. I sang my German piece and one of the judges chose my more favored English piece. I felt like I did pretty well; obviously it wasn't a stellar performance and I didn't think I was going to make it past preliminaries, but hey, there were no major flubs, and I was proud of myself! Gabby and Ashley did very well, too.

Afterwards, we stayed until everyone had finished singing and went to go get dinner. There was a recital that we had to go to afterwards, and then when that was over, we would find out who made it to the next round.

I remember looking at the postings for the sophomore female group. I scanned over the numbers, and I didn't see mine. Mrs. Rollene came up to me and gave me a sympathetic hug. I told her I was fine with it, and I truly was . . . That is, until I asked everyone else if they made it. Everyone else from the JBU crew had made it to semi-finals. I was the only one that didn't. The disappointment in my heart grew more and more as I heard a voice in my head chastising myself for how I let Mrs. Rollene (and everyone else) down. You're not good enough to be here . . . Why are you here, then? You worked so hard and you STILL couldn't make it. 

Walking to the van, the tears started falling, and I felt even more angry at myself. Why was I so upset about this? I didn't have many high hopes for myself. I'm not a strong singer. Then why did I feel this way?

Everyone knew how I was feeling. I got a few hugs and sympathetic looks. Jokes were cracked on the ride back to the hotel, and I laughed, feeling a little better.

The girls walked up to the room, and the negative thoughts came back. Gabby and Ashley, bless their hearts. They asked me if I was okay, and I lost it again. I was already humbled that day, and I was being humbled again by having them see me in a mess like this. I explained to them that I had been struggling with a lot of hard things the past few weeks: depression for friends that were hurting, sickness for over 2 weeks and that I wasn't getting any better, feeling like I was failing a class, that I hadn't felt like a good friend to my friends, and now this. I was in this pit that I couldn't dig myself out of. They hugged me again and asked if I needed anything. I said no, and then they left me to go get some tea or coffee. After I talked with my mom on the phone, Mrs. Rollene came to the room and she sat down on the bed across from me to go over the judges' comments. We read through them, and it turns out that the main things they had pointed out were things that I had been working on and are currently working on in lessons. Mrs. Rollene then gave me her own comments . . . They didn't know me, they don't know how much I've grown. I've grown a lot! Then she said, "Now this is a pivotal moment. You can either decide to give up trying, or continue and let this be a reason to keep growing. I think you should keep trying; you've come a long way, Lauren." I knew she was right, and she gave me a hug and left.

I was left alone with my thoughts for a little bit. I realized in that room that I had been trying to carry my own burdens for a long time. I needed to give them all up to God; I needed His help. Somewhat unknowingly, I had shoved him out of my life thinking I could handle whatever came my way. I was reassured that I was here at this place and time for a reason. EVERYTHING that goes on in my life is for a reason. I can let them define who I am and let these things sink me lower, or I can rise up with God's help and let them make me grow stronger in all these different areas of my life. I went to sleep that night with a peace I hadn't felt in a long time.

We all had to get up early the next morning, to check out of the hotel and be at Ouachita by 8:30. I decided to be everyone's cheerleader. :) After a masterclass watching others being critiqued in their singing, we found out who made it to the finals. Two of our guys made it! I was so very (and genuinely) happy for the both of them. After getting lunch, we sat through the finals for 3.5 hours . . . A very long time to sit and watch people sing. Daniel tied for 2nd in the Freshmen men's category, and Charles came in first in his category (although he was the only one in that category, he did so well!!) Both of them were awesome!

Finally, we headed home; it was over. It was such a short time while we were there, but it felt like an eternity. I got to know people better, better than what I would've at school. We all got close. I would like to go back and do it again next year; we'll see what happens!

A lot of lessons learned in the past week . . . But now, I shall move on towards other things. Next Big Thing, for one. SO excited! Every practice I have with my band, I get even more pumped. It's fast approaching - only a little over a month away! I am so grateful for these guys for putting up with me and for being honest during practices and giving awesome suggestions for making the songs even better. I think I could say that a thousand times and it still wouldn't feel like I've thanked them enough. I can't wait to see where this goes and what else I am going to learn from this experience!

A new Gospel?

This has been on my mind a lot lately, maybe because it's popped up so much in my life in the past few months.

There have been many conferences like Passion that have happened recently. Several of Passion's main goals from what I've heard was to challenge our faith and act it out, and to stop sex trafficking in the world.

On Tuesday in chapel, James Choung challenged us to live out our faith and make our Christianity more than just a way to get to heaven. In evangelizing, he came up with the "big story," which was a drawing/diagram of what he said was the Gospel. Obviously there is so much more he could've added to this drawing, but he said that it is only a drawing and serves to help with discussion. Here you can watch it for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCVcSiUUMhY

These are both very great intentions and good things that we SHOULD be doing as followers of Christ.

James Choung also talked about how two generations before us asked the question of: "What is true?" They were mostly concerned with truth and how to convince others that Christianity was true. The generation after that asked the question: "What is real?" This was the hippie age where everyone was so skeptical about there being any truth or there being any reality. Our current generation asks the question: "What is good?" We are mainly concerned with doing good in the world, regardless of whether we're Christian or not. That's where my main concern lies.

So many of my Christian friends post and talk about how they are excited to go on missions trips and going to help these third world countries. We are definitely called to do good in the world and to be lights in the world in that respect. I am worried that we have lost sight of the true Gospel: that we fell into sin by Adam, that we are all born sinners, that God came down to earth in the form of a man (Jesus), that he was sinless and perfect, and because of that, He was our perfect sacrifice; He died on a cross to save us from the sin that we were born into. We cannot do anything to be saved; we are helpless and lost without Christ. After He died, He then rose from the dead and is alive and sitting at the right hand of God, waiting to come back again. We will be judged by God according to our actions and our hearts.

If we're only doing good, how are we any different from the rest of the world? One of the Islamic pillars is to give alms. Most other religions promote doing good/being good. If we don't tell others the true Gospel, in the deepest love, everything we do is meaningless. We can do good in the world, but will this world last forever? No, of course not. I think a lot of us forget, especially me, that none of us can change people. That is God's job. This is a hard thing for me to accept because I want to be the one to bring people to Christ and to experience this amazing relationship I have with Him!

We are only called to obey Him. We must go and do good, but just WHO is it we are doing good for? Is it for ourselves so that we can feel better about our lives? Or is it the obedience of God's call to go and make disciples of all nations, sharing the true Gospel with the lost?

I fervently pray that this go-and-do-good craze is not something that becomes the new false gospel (like the prosperity gospel). I hope and pray that we as believers and followers of Christ would go out and do good, but to also bring to the lost this beautiful Gospel of the Bible that Jesus cried out to the crowds in the beginning of Mark (1:15): "The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel."

I hope that you are encouraged by these things I write about!