Take Another Step

I’m sitting on my sister’s bed typing at the moment. She’s watching a video on facial peels, Jenn’s watching a documentary in her bed. And all I can do is silently grieve.

Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly excited to move forward towards marrying Andrew in just 3 weeks from today. I am thrilled to pieces to be starting this next chapter of life with my HUSBAND in our little house we’re soon going to call home. (I worried that our engagement was too short, but it feels like it has been dragging on for ions!) Yet, there’s a piece of me that is grieving. These girls are my family. I won't get to see them every day like I have for a long time. 

Change has and will never be easy for me. I don’t think it is for a lot of people, but I think it’s harder for some than for others. In some way, we can grieve because we’ve enjoyed the times we’ve had in the past, and we don’t want them to end. We’ve had wonderful memories with people we love, and we tend to take those for granted. And as I’m sitting on my sister’s bed two nights before she and Jenn move out of this apartment into their own, I’m bracing for impact; everything will change in the next few weeks. They’ll move out Monday evening (and also gradually transporting things throughout the week), I’ll move out next Saturday, Andrew will move out of his place the next Saturday and into our new home, and the next week we’ll be MARRIED. Oh my word.

I’ve already had to deal with an incredible amount of change recently, in preparing for this new shift in life. Andrew and I have been learning a lot in our premarital counseling, we’re learning how to put the other first, learning how to live with each others’ habits and quirks, and our likes/dislikes. Friends are gradually growing apart, from me and each other, onto their own new stages of life. There is an ever-growing mountain of moving boxes in our living room and in my bedroom… I will be bound in marriage to one person the rest of my life. I’m not going to rely on my parents for things anymore, or anyone else but my husband. I’m planning a wedding, and all of the nitty gritty details that go with it in the last month or so. I’m attempting to take care of myself by putting myself on a diet of portion control. I’m making all of these decisions and yet I still find myself no more in control than a puppy on a leash.

These are all good things I’m involved in and doing. However, the closer the wedding approaches, the more I find myself wanting to slam on the brake pedal and slooooowww dowwwwnn.

For not liking change at all, I’m sure getting a lot of it recently.

Change brings growth. Change is beautiful, at least it can be. Change is inevitable. So why do I resist it so much?

I grow too comfortable with where I am. We all cling to what is comfortable, because we don’t have to work at it. No pain, no gain is the old saying that definitely means something. There is no growth where there is no change.

Why do I still cling to the comfortable things, kicking and screaming, if I know this? Because I am flawed, I am human. We only know what we’ve experienced. We don’t naturally trust in anything we haven’t done or experienced before. I keep thinking of the quote by C.S. Lewis:

"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

If there were no change, there would be no changing of the seasons. There would be no new life. There would be no way of gaining salvation. There would be no way to spend sweet eternity with our heavenly Father.

Even though change is hard, I have to keep going. I just have to "take another step" as the Steven Curtis Chapman song encourages us to do.

Hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll have as few breakdowns as possible... Here's to the new stage of life that Andrew and I am about to leap into as husband and wife!

When You Love Someone...

(I will warn you, this is a longer post, one that I hope you will enjoy reading, but it is a bit lengthy, so bear with me.)

It's amazing how God works most of the time. It seems as though the moment you give up on something you had hoped and dreamed for, He opens the door, or brings something even better to you. I can only imagine what our Lord would be doing up in the heavens, perhaps chuckling to Himself saying, "Oh my child, you have no idea the bounty of blessings I have in store for you..."

I had reached this point of bitterness and hopelessness this time last year. I had given up on being in love happening for a long time, if ever, with a bad ending to a previous relationship just months before.

It was a few months previous to graduating college that I met Andrew.

I don't even remember the exact moment we met. He had just moved into town from an hour south of Chicago at the end of October, because of a job opportunity that he had taken with the health department down here. He had family that went to the same church as my family and me, so I'm assuming he came with them. He was quiet those first few times, and maybe that's why I don't remember much of meeting him. All I can remember was before the worship service on one of those first few Sundays, he came to sit next to me and commented, "Yay, I get to sit next to the music major that can actually sing!" (He claims he said some discouraging things to me about finding a job after college, but I never remembered him ever saying that.)

I didn't think much about him really, to be honest. I was focused on graduating college in December that I barely had time to think about anything else. When January came, I thought to myself, "I should start getting more involved in my church," also at the encouragement of my mentor, Michelle. Our college & career group had decided to meet together once a week at Denny's on Thursday evenings to discuss the previous Sunday's sermon. Unfortunately for me, I worked on Thursday nights so I wasn't able to attend the first few meetings. After some convincing, we switched it to Friday nights so I would be able to come. My first time going was actually the meeting where I lead the discussion. The previous Sunday's sermon was on purity, and it was a topic I thoroughly enjoyed discussing. I had asked Andrew casually after church that Sunday what format of discussion they had been doing, and if I would be able to lead the discussion that Friday night. He nodded and added, "Hey, let's Skype Tuesday night, I'll be out of town, but I'll be free that evening to discuss what we've been doing so far." Skyping about leading discussion eventually led to another hour or two talking about life, beliefs, and more about who we were. Even at that point, I had no idea he had started to take an interest in me. He wasn't on my radar at all, so I didn't really pay attention.

Thus, it was a complete surprise to me when he asked me out in the Denny's parking lot the week before Valentine's day. I sat in my car for a minute after we parted ways, taking in everything. "Did that really just happen?" I kept saying to myself over and over again...

He had everything planned to a T for our date the next Friday evening. But when we reached our destination, it was not what he had planned and we ended up yelling at each other over the loud music and left with grumbling tummies. I was relieved when I realized that we were being spontaneous, making things up as we went. It made things less formal and more relaxing for me, and it was easier for me to open up. We ended the night at Mama Carmen's with cups of coffee in hand. As I was relating to him some emotional things I had been through, he reached and grabbed my hand, stroking it with his thumb, with the most tender look in his eyes. It was at that point that I realized that there was more to come with him, that a great adventure was beginning.

And my greatest adventure did begin that night: in a quiet coffee shop, with meaningful conversation.

He proposed to me 10 months later on December 22nd, in front of the Adler Planetarium in Chicago, right by Lake Michigan with the view of the Chicago skyline in the background. It was simple and perfect.

We have had a lot of people comment on the shortness of our engagement (which really is 5 months almost exactly). It's funny, because I've known several others to pull off a wedding in 2 months (bless you to those that can!) We both have been advised that the shorter the engagement, the better, for several reasons: 1. When you know, you know, so why wait? and 2. for the sake of physical/mental purity. We want to honor God with our relationship as much as we can, and purity has always been important to us in our relationship. We want to be able to look back on our dating/engagement days and not only NOT regret things we did, but more importantly be able to glorify and thank God for the work He accomplished in us by enabling us to wait and to grow together in a deeper and more meaningful way in our days leading up to marriage.

I knew I was in love with Andrew only a month after dating him, and not too far after that I realized that he was the one I had been waiting for my whole life, the one I had prayed for, the one I weeped into my pillow at night despairing over.

His patience with me is incredible. I could never deserve him in a million lifetimes. His laughter is infectious, his heart pure gold. His love for the Lord is growing every day (I'm blessed to be able to witness this growth and growing love for God), and his leadership in our relationship is so admirable. He buys me flowers for no reason. He is the best hugger. (I could go on, but we would be here even longer...) He is without a doubt the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Luckily for me, I get to do just that. :)

Andrew Michael Sova, I love you with all my heart. I thank God for you every day, and I cannot wait to marry you in a few months!

The Importance of Art

After semi-slamming the car door shut, I shudder from the chilly air surrounding me. I look up, admiring the black sky and sparkling stars. I sit with a cup of coffee, staring at our little Christmas tree with all the lights and ornaments and things. I take my camera out of its bag to capture the details of nature around me. I get an incredible thrill from sitting in the audience of a choir or instrumental concert (better yet, be in one). I can spend hours journalling or blogging about my life. I craft decorations for my room while sitting on my bed late at night. While blaring my favorite Spotify playlist, I put my canvas on the table, pick up my brush, dip it in the paint, and spend hours gliding on all sorts of colors and textures.

All of that is to say this: I love art. I love beautiful things. I love being creative.

There are times when I struggle with the fact that I'm right-brained. There are times I feel like being an artsy person isn't practical: what's the use in painting? In taking photographs? In designing something? In being an admirer in a museum?

Well, here's some questions: why do some people pay millions of dollars for a painting or piece of art? Why do we buy music? Why do we hire interior decorators to help us with our homes? Why do we love looking at photos of ordinary people or places?

We value things of beauty.

I think it's largely due to the fact that we are created in the image of God. God is the divine Creator, who took care to create everything GOOD. In creating human beings, He called us VERY good. God cares about things of beauty, because He had and continues to have a divine standard for everything He creates. God Himself is good. Because of these characteristics of His, we must possess this aspect of Him also.

God is also a God of logic and order. Things make sense with Him, everything has a meaning. Science, math, etc. are incredibly important to Him because the universe would obviously not run the way it was supposed to if it didn't make sense. (This is my credit to all those left-brainers out there.)

To all my right-brained friends out there, we have been given gifts to appreciate and to make art out of our surroundings. We have an important job to show the world the beauty of God's creation in whatever art form He has gifted us in: music, painting, photography, writing, design, etc. It gives such glory to God. And that is the most important purpose we can have as human beings.

May we never forget that.

Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow

I'm currently sitting on our couch in the apartment, with candles lit, Christmas lights and tree already up and plugged in, laughing at my roommates who are trying to figure out how to use my keurig. Just sitting here, I can already name several things I'm thankful for: awesome roommates, a really nice place to live, the fact that we can celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas as much as we want, even my cup of coffee that I was able to make this morning...

A lot has happened over the past year, all of which I'm thankful for. (I won't go into detail about everything, because you can read about most of it in my previous blog post.) To add to it, though, I have family on both sides that not only love me, but they love each other. We're going to be joined together in just a few hours to share a meal and reflect on blessings. I have made lifelong friends through my church this year, and I've become more involved in serving my church. I've continued in being discipled by our youth pastor's wife, and I grow so much in my faith and walk with the Lord the longer I meet with her. These things have given me the greatest joy I've ever had, because we were made for community, to live alongside of other believers in Christ and serve one another/the Lord as Jesus did while He was on earth (Philippians 2).

I can honestly say that I've never felt so much at peace as I do now in this stage of life. Looking back on how I felt last year about graduating, how I was nervous, not sure where life would take me, not sure if I would be happy or at peace. I had been so comfortable in my life at JBU, and I didn't want to leave it. Looking back at this past year, though, I can truly say that God completely took control of my life, literally handed me two jobs that I love, brought Andrew and I together, caused Jenn to have a wreck on the way home from school so she could come live with us, gave me time to meet with women who I love and respect, and so much more.

Friends, if you ever have any doubt about God being good or sovereign, think again. I have so many awesome stories of His faithfulness under my belt that I LOVE sharing with everyone. He has grown my faith so much this year, and He will carry the good work that He began in me into completion until His return to earth one day. And what a day that will be!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
Praise Him all creatures here below,
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts,
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,
Amen.

Updates on the Life of Lauren

A lot can happen in just 7 months. My life is proof of that.

(I figure I might as well just come here and word-vomit all of the stuff that is currently going on in my life, because a lot has happened since I last updated this thing.)

Since I have graduated college in December, I have been looking for the full time job that would fit me best and would fit the needs I would have for post-college life. I had been working at Massage Envy up in Rogers at the front desk for 7 months, and while I enjoyed it a lot, at the pay I was making, there was no way that I would be able to provide for myself as far as living on my own goes. I also knew it wasn't what I wanted to do long-term. I had applied to several music jobs in surrounding areas and in different states, and nothing really happened with those. However, in February, I got an email from Ecclesia College asking if I would be able to come in for an interview for the Prep program's older choir director. I had assisted my friend Caroline with the choir the previous semester, and I really enjoyed it and got to know the students pretty well. I went in for an interview the next day and got offered the job the day after that! I didn't even have to seek out that job opportunity; it was practically placed in my lap lovingly by my God and Father who knew I had desired a music job. I continued to work for Massage Envy for another 5 months, all the while trying to find a better paying job with better working hours during the week. In June, I had applied to Providence Academy for the elementary music teacher position that was posted on their website. I went in for several interviews and felt really good about them. However, I was told that I would only be working 2 days a week for a few hours those days, but of course I would be lesson planning like crazy in my spare time. The Sunday after the last interview with Providence, a man from my church came up to me and asked if I was looking for a job. I said yes I was, and he offered me the chance to apply for a front desk job: it was secretarial work with one-on-one interaction with each lab of his in the building and with our customers, with an 8-5 M-F work schedule. I was thrilled to hear about it, and I followed through and applied, even interviewed with them all of that week. (Once again, God placed the opportunity in my hands; I've started seeing a pattern here.) On that Friday, I heard from the lab that I was offered the position, and literally 15 minutes after that I was offered the job at Providence. These were two really great opportunities, how could I possibly choose?! I ended up choosing the job at the lab for several reasons (because I'm sure some of you are really confused as to why I wouldn't take the other music job): one, it was a consistent, every week day schedule, and they were willing to work with the fact that I needed to leave early on Thursday afternoons to teach choir at Ecclesia; secondly, it was salary pay and had insurance benefits whereas Providence didn't. If I had gone with the Providence job, I would have to make time to lesson plan for both them AND Ecclesia every week, as well as plan for AWANA music at church (of which I had also committed my time to on Sunday afternoons). That would have been a lot of music to plan for! I would have also had to work a few days a week at Massage Envy to make more money. It just seemed to make more sense to go with the lab job, and I'm so thankful I did! My coworkers are so encouraging and patient with me as I learn everything (including scientific terms that I don't have any clue about), and even help explain the processes of certain tests they run. I can firmly say that I love my job, and I don't regret my choices at all!

I have also been dating one of the most Godly men I know since mid-February (of which I will have to write out our story at some point in the future). I can say wholeheartedly that he always points me to Jesus for everything; he leads me well in our relationship. Andrew spoils me with flowers, makes me laugh, is incredibly patient with me when I'm moody, gives great hugs, and he treats me like a princess. He is also incredibly honest with me, and the way he handles conflict is a breath of fresh air. I got to witness his baptism at our church a few months ago, and I couldn't be more proud of his growing love for the Lord and his hunger for truth and growth in righteousness. I am incredibly blessed by him every day!

Lindsey had made a friend at cosmetology school named Jenn, and long story short, she came to live with us in March, and it has been an awesome thing for all of us! Now we are all super close and we're going to be apartment-mates in the next few weeks! Which brings me to the next update....

Yes, Lindsey, Jenn, and I are all moving out of my parents' house in the next few weeks and we'll be moving to a really nice apartment mid-August. It's in the middle of everything in NWA, and it'll be easy to get to wherever we want to go because we'll be living right off the interstate AND just minutes away from everything in town. We'll be finally living on our own! It's a big step for all of us, seeing as how all 3 of us have lived at home with our parents/someone else's parents our whole lives, but it will be good for all of us as we learn to live with each other outside of our parents' house and how to deal with personal finances, etc.

All within a little over a month and a half, I have started a new full-time job, I will be moving to an apartment for the first time, I will start another part-time music teaching job, and will be starting my volunteer music job for AWANA at church. SO much going on, but all very good things.

I am beyond thankful for all of these doors that the Lord has opened up not only for me, but also for friends and family around me. It's been amazing to see how God works to bring us to where He wants us to be! The next few months won't be easy as I transition into more new things, but God has been really working on me, and He will carry His work on to completion, as Philippians 1:6 says. He knows what the future holds, and for that reason, I have peace and joy in my heart.

5 Practical Ways to Memorize God's Word

My friend Michelle and I meet together once a week every week and have since last September/October (I've forgotten which, I've slept since then). This has become a very sacred time for me as I am regularly meeting with a great woman of the Lord who loves her Savior and others in our local body of believers. She has such great insight about life, love, marriage, and everything else.

Something that we've been doing ever since we started meeting over 6 months ago is memorizing entire passages of the Bible. This is NOT an easy thing to do, let me just tell you right up front. Memorizing individual Bible verses has never been something I was good at growing up; I never had a desire to, and I really thought that if I just knew where certain verses or passages were, then I could eventually find them when I needed it.

This kind of thinking is actually not just unhealthy; it's dangerous. For any believer, the Bible is the very Word of God. It is God's way of speaking to us about stories of the past, lessons we all must learn, truths we must believe, and commands we must follow. The famous passage of 2 Tim. 3:16-17 says, "All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work."

First of all, notice that it doesn't say only some of Scripture is inspired. It says ALL Scripture is inspired. Secondly, if you look at any footnote in a study Bible, the word inspired means "God-breathed." God breathed these very words through the men that He chose. Whether you believe it was word-for-word spoken by God or that He only gave them a general idea of what to say, God gave His word to us, what He wanted to tell us. Thirdly, it is used to teach others (about the Gospel, the stories of His people, etc.), reproof (which is an expression of disapproval or pointing out sin), correction (not just pointing out our sin/flaws, but expressing a way to repent from them: learning from them and actively fixing them), and training in righteousness (a continual discipline to become more like Jesus Christ). All of these are VITAL to those claiming to be followers of Jesus.

With all of that said, these past few months have taught me so much about the importance of not only studying God's Word but also memorizing it, meditating on it, and letting it impact your life permanently. I am not perfect at it by any means, but I do know a few things that have helped me in this journey of memorizing individual verses and even entire chapters/passages of Scripture.

1. Have an accountability partner. 

In my junior year of college, my best friend Alisha and I made a decision at the beginning of fall semester to start working out twice a week after our classes were done for the day. We were going to meet the same time those specific days, and we would have a plan for what we were going to do once we met that day: we would work for 30 min. on cardio (on either the bike, treadmill, or the elliptical) and 30 min. on a specific area (legs, arms, core). Every day was different on what we worked on, but the overall general plan was the same. Having Alisha there with me helped encourage me to keep going even when I didn't feel like it that particular day, and I know I helped her keep going as well. Having someone else there with me helped to keep me in check even when it was hard. We had a plan, and we stuck to it because we reminded each other of its importance.

The same thing goes for memorizing Scripture. There are times when I really don't feel like it, and there are weeks when I fail to progress any, but Michelle always keeps me in check and even sends me reminders throughout the week, and asks how I'm doing with it. I need that so that even when my fleshly feelings want to take control, I can still keep going despite how I feel.

2. Start small.

Before I had the ability to memorize whole passages, I had to discipline myself to memorize even just one verse. Even when memorizing whole passages, I have to take it one or two verses at a time every week. Even though Michelle may be able to go through 5-6 verses in a week (I don't know if she actually does or not), I know my limits, and I know it's not a race. However, if you know you are able to take on more at a time, then you should aim for that!

3. Put it on [repeat]. 

Repetition is key. I find it harder to remember what I've memorized if I don't repeat it every so often. Cramming memorization in the day before I meet with Michelle may work temporarily but I don't remember it by the next day if I don't constantly hear it, say it, or read it. It's like practicing an instrument/exercising/training for anything. Even if you only work on it 5-10 min. every day, it still retains better than if you cram it in the day before for 1 hour. I find that the best way to work on a verse is to read it at least once a day, work on speaking it at least 2-3 different times during the day, and if you have an audio Bible or an app on a mobile device that reads it to you, hearing it at least 2-3 different times from all of those in a day.

4. Actually meditate on what you're memorizing. 

I had a really stressful night at work just recently, and it took everything in me to not fall apart in front of everyone. When I was cleaning all of the rooms in the clinic, I repeated some of the verses I had learned in the past few weeks that were applicable to all of the stress I was going through. Once I had finished cleaning the rooms, I had calmed down and was reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness even in stressful times. When you remember your verses, you are able to meditate on them in times when you need it the most. You are reminded of what is true and not on your feelings. Feelings can skew what is actually true. The Word of God is truth, and it never changes.

5. Ask God for help.

If you find that you just don't feel like memorizing, pray about it! Ask God to give you the desire to learn more about Him, to treasure His word in your heart. There is a passage in Matthew [7:7-8] that says, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." God gives us the desire to pursue Him after He has already pursued us. He loves us, and wants us to desire to know Him! He will give you that desire if you ask for it. You may not have it all the time at first, but your love for His word will grow continually if you keep working at it.

I hope these practical tips will help you if you are trying to memorize Scripture, but may be too discouraged to continue, or even begin a task like this. Honestly, if someone like me can do it (I cannot remember names of new people I meet for the life of me), you can do it too. God gives us the desire to learn more about Him as we grow in our walk with Him, and I was ultimately given the desire to memorize His word. Like I've said before, I am DEFINITELY not perfect at it, and I don't think I ever will be. But I can always grow, always learn more. I am so thankful that I even have the opportunity to memorize and read a Bible without being persecuted for it. That puts it all into perspective . . .

Certainty in the Uncertain

One day
I discovered
the allure of
spontaneity.
What adventure it is
in the not knowing!
What a thrill
to really live
from one minute
to the next!
To be caught
by utter surprise
and completely
trust in
His plans,
His power,
to not trust
in myself
or
my own abilities
above His,
to calm
my agitated heart
and deeply, truly
rest
in Jesus
alone.
That,
my dear friends,
is truly living.

A Hidden Burden

Imagine that you are somewhere you regularly frequent, minding your own business and living your life as normal. In a particular moment, you could be sitting at a social gathering or you could be sitting at home alone by yourself. All of a sudden, you start to feel nauseated. Your head starts hurting, your eyes may hurt to look at anything/keep open. Your hands start to shake, and you have to sit down if you've been standing up. You feel like you're losing breath, and thus you start to feel like you're losing control of yourself. You have to excuse yourself from whatever it is you are doing and go to the restroom. You stand and brace yourself in front of a mirror or sit on the floor of the bathroom stall to concentrate on breathing until you feel better, which sometimes could only take a minute, or it could take 2 hours to recover from. You are shaken up either way, even after the feelings have passed. If you're in a public place, people keep asking you if you're okay. You either tell them "yes" and give them a smile so they won't worry and you don't feel like a burden to anyone, or you are actually honest with them and have to excuse yourself from doing anything else for a while and potentially go home. Sometimes you're even too afraid to do that for fear that it might happen again while you're driving.

Some of you know this about me, but some of you don't: I have an anxiety disorder. That means I tend to have panic attacks from time to time. For those of you that don't know what that feels like, the above scenario is what it typically feels like to me; it might be different for some people depending on their circumstances.

I didn't know I was suffering from an anxiety disorder until about over a year ago. Fall 2013 semester was a normal semester for me, for the most part. Early on in the semester, I started having moments when I felt nauseous with headaches, but I didn't think much about it because it didn't happen enough to really be of any concern for me. Then in the middle of the semester, I had a really bad one at church, and had to excuse myself for the rest of Sunday School and the main worship service. The attacks became more frequent, and soon I was having an attack at least once a week if not more. I thought it was caused by a food allergy or something of the sort, so I cut out dairy, gluten (since my dad is a Celiac, and the disease can be hereditary), and caffeine (yes, I gave up my beloved coffee). Even with all of that cut out, I was still having attacks regularly. During the first day of finals week, I had my worst one in the cafeteria while I was eating lunch with my friends. I had the above scenario happen, but this time, I wanted to leave my chair, but I legitimately felt paralyzed, glued to my chair. Alisha, one of my best friends, brought me outside and sat with me out in the cool air while I tried to get my body to calm down. She knew I had been struggling all semester with these instances (of which I didn't know were panic attacks at the time) and she told me I NEEDED to go to the doctor. Luckily I was able to go that afternoon, so she drove me because I still felt really weak from the attack.

My mom met us up at the clinic. We got in to see the doctor, and she started asking me questions about things. I felt like I answered her questions like I would any normal person, and she lightheartedly half-stated/half-asked me, "You are REALLY high strung, you know that?" I was kind of taken aback, because I didn't know that. I started thinking, "Is that what people think of me?" She then explained that I had an anxiety disorder, that it was actually really common for adults to have them, that it was because I had low seratonin levels in my brain, and to put it simply, if my brain isn't able to reproduce enough of it at a time, my brain and body both literally freak out (the attacks). She said she was going to put me on an antidepressant, and I immediately interjected saying I didn't want one because I had heard bad stories of people being on them and becoming too dependent on them, and I didn't want to be one of those people. My mom assured me that it was okay, that the one she was prescribing me was one that was okay. I trust her judgment on a lot of things, so I felt a little better about it. I struggled with it for a few days, and so I went to another doctor who prescribed another kind, and it's helped so much with cutting down the amount of attacks I've had in the past year. I still have a few occasionally, but it has been significantly better since then.

I explain all of that to say that I have had a lot of trusted Christian friends shove down my throat the command that God gives us to not worry. Some don't believe anxiety is a medical issue, but only a mental thing we create for ourselves that causes us to worry and therefore we don't trust God. However, there is the other side of the coin where I know of people that only believe it is a medical condition and we can't do anything about it.

I don't believe either extreme is correct. I do strongly believe that we are commanded not to worry about our lives, because as Christians, we are God's people, and He loves us and cares about us deeply. He is sovereign over the whole earth, even if we don't understand why things happen. And there are indeed certain people who only have anxiety because they haven't dealt with certain sin in their life/don't have God in their life/etc. and they need to fix that. However, I also know that it won't go away right away, even if we've changed our circumstances. I think our bodies and minds have all been tainted by sin in the world, and I think anxiety is/can be a very real, medical issue. I trust in God and know He is all-powerful, but I also struggle with these attacks. I can literally have nothing to worry about in my life and still have attacks sometimes.

Having anxiety attacks is hard because this all happens internally and people who have never experienced them have no idea what it feels like and don't know how to help us. But I also know that those who have this disorder are not alone; there are SO many out there who struggle with this, sometimes daily or weekly.

This was more of an informative post than anything else. If you are struggling with anxiety and having attacks, you are more than welcome to talk with me about it, or if you have no idea what it is, I'd be happy to answer questions for you. I'm not a doctor, and I don't claim to be, but I am always eager to share what I know about it.

I try not to let anxiety get to me or affect my life, because I know there's nothing to worry about. They come and go at random times, which I can't help and it stinks, but I know that one day I will have a new physical body and a renewed mind that will not suffer from any illness, that I can use to serve God forever (thank goodness for that!)

...I don't think we should hide our burdens. None of us are perfect, and we all carry them. We all wrestle with different things. We are called to bear each others' burdens, to help each other get through difficult times, and pray for one another.

This is true, brotherly love.

I Didn't Know... [aka The Year of Change]

Well folks, it's now the day of the year where we all reflect on what's happened in the past year, adn I will say that it's been quite the year for me. I would even go so far as to call it "the year of change." I honestly didn't anticipate half of the things that occurred during the course of it, but I guess that's the beauty of living your life: you don't know what will happen until it does.

I've shared with you guys before that change is not something that is easy for me to accept or to just "roll with it". I know some people aren't a big fan of or accept the whole Myers-Briggs personality thing, but honestly, it's helped me to learn a lot more about myself and how I tick (and what I can work on) than if I didn't know it. I'm an ENFJ, and basically what that means is: I'm the "teacher type". I draw my energy from being around people (Extrovert), I love ideas and things that are potential & love writing/journaling to sort out my thoughts (iNtuition), I'm more driven by emotions/mercy than logic (Feeling), and lastly, I love order & structure and am driven by routine (Judging). That last one seems to bite me in the behind more than the others, and I highly believe that this was the year that the Lord was working long and hard on me for it.

I crave order, structure, and predictability. I think to an extent we all do as human beings, because it is a safe place, a comfort zone. We know what to expect, and we can be in charge of things when we know what will happen.

God turned my world upside down this year in so many ways that I didn't know he would.

I didn't know that I would have 4 different jobs in this year alone. It's hard to learn new skills and get used to new managers and co-workers, but each job that I've worked for has gotten better and better. I love the people I'm working with now, and I love my job. It is good for now, and I am content with it, but I am content with knowing that my Father in heaven may have something even better in mind for me in the future. If there is something, He will provide it and will provide the way for me to pursue it.

I didn't know that I would break off a 2-year relationship. It was one of the hardest decisions that I've ever made, but it was for the better. I honestly thought we were going to get married after we graduated, but we just ended up being two different people with different end goals. We weren't right for each other, and I finally had to let go of the comfort and the utterly selfish desire of merely having a boyfriend just so I wouldn't feel alone. It wasn't fair for him, and it wasn't fair for me either.

I didn't know that my last semester would dramatically change from its original plans. After the breakup, I had the desire to do the musical, because I had time I could spare. I also only had 9 credit hours to complete to be able to graduate, so why would I pay for full-time student status if that's all I had left to complete? My advisor was SO awesome to be able to meet with me and change my schedule (almost completely from what it was previously), and was completely supportive of everything I wanted to do.

I didn't know that I would get [one of] the lead roles for the musical this year. It was completely unexpected, and I wasn't even going to try out for it until after I broke up with my boyfriend. It was like I was able to be free and do whatever I wanted to in my last semester of college; I wasn't tied to anyone, so I could make my own choices. I decided I would try out for it just a few weeks before auditions. The day of auditions, I thought I would try out for the lead, just for the heck of it. I honestly thought I would only get a chorus part, and I was okay with that. I just knew this was potentially my last chance to get to be in a musical, period, and I wanted to jump at the chance. That night, I got the email saying I had gotten the lead female role, and I was shocked. This was a dream of mine that I had had for years, and it had finally come true. I had so much fun and it was so rewarding for me to play that part!

I didn't know that half of my senior recital repertoire would change the semester of my recital. I had it all planned out the semester before, because we were getting a new voice teacher my last semester, and it would be less work for me and her to have it all planned out. But half of the rep ended up not working out or learned, and so we had to change them. It was so hard to learn 5 more songs in just two months, along with writing program notes for each of the 10 songs and their respective composers. The day of my recital though, when I got up on that stage and sang my heart out, I realized how worth the hard work was.

I didn't know how busy I was going to be regardless of my part-time student status. Not only was I preparing for my senior recital and playing a lead role in the musical, but I also worked a part-time job, had other classes, taught private guitar lessons, and was assistant conductor for not just one, but TWO choirs this semester. It was jam-packed, and it took a toll on my health for a good portion of the semester, but once again, it was all so worth the work.

I didn't know how hard it was going to be to graduate from college and move on to the next phase of my life. For several years, all I wanted was to get done with school so I could "do something good with my life." But then, I got to my last semester, and all I seemed to feel was this heartache of leaving my friends and the life I had known for the past few years. I had gotten comfortable at JBU, and now I had to leave. I didn't want to leave my friends behind and start over. Then I realized that I wasn't supposed to live a comfortable life, that I was meant for more than just school, homework, etc. JBU has taught me so much, and I will always treasure what I have done and learned there, but nobody is meant to be in school forever. There is a phase of life beyond it that everyone has to look forward to and prepare for.

Finally, I didn't know that I would finally be at peace with not knowing what lies ahead.

That is a shocking statement that I just made. ME, of all people, being okay with not knowing the future?! How can that be?

Maybe it's because God has so rocked my world this year, that I've gotten used to things changing. Maybe I've learned to embrace it, and it's now exciting to me instead of being scary or horrifying. Learning to let go of your fears and/or plans and give your cares to the Lord is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do (besides accepting Him as your Savior).

Friends, I encourage you as you step into the new year: whatever season of life you're currently in or about to embark on, I pray that you will take a deep breath, let go of your fears and plans, and let God completely take control of your life. COMPLETELY. That is so much easier said than done, and it won't happen in an instant, but if you're willing, God will grow you into a person that is more like Him and will provide whatever you need.

Blessings and love to all of you as you start a new year! Here's to 2015 and the events that will unfold in it.

Some People Won't Come With You

We've just moved out of the season of thankfulness, and now we're moving into the season of joyful anticipation: the celebration of the birth of Christ. This is a magical time of year when we listen to Bing Crosby and Michael Buble croon on the radio, behold the splendor that is Christmas lights, watch our breath in the cold air, and give to others. It's a blessed time of year, filled with lots of little happy moments.

... I'm going to be honest and say that I'm not feeling very happy at the moment. In fact, my heart has been in a whirlwind pretty much this whole semester. There are so many uncertainties in my life: will I be good at my new job? Will I keep any of my friends from JBU? Will they even be sad that I'm not there? How many actually want to stay in my life? Will I make any new ones? Can't I just be okay with not knowing how things are going to turn out? Joy and contentment seem so distant these days...

As a good friend of mine has [accurately] said, "I feel like I'm having [the topic of] joy being pushed down my throat." We are told that if we are anxious, that we are sinning and not trusting in God enough. I know we are commanded not to worry in the Bible. I know it undermines God's authority and power if I do worry. So, why do I still feel helpless?

The truth is, the most likely reason why I feel anxious about the future is because I feel entitled to a good one. I want to be in control, I want things to go my way, in my timing. I want so badly to hold tightly to all of my friends that I've made in the past few years.

I stumbled across a blog post about life changes just recently. As I was reading, the author made some statements:

"Life changes happen, across the board. And no matter how your life changes — whether it's moving across the country, getting an illness, losing a parent, shifting jobs, or having a baby — some people won't come with you to the next phase. 

Some people won't come with you. 

And that's okay. 

... 

You will make more friends. That's one thing that never changes, no matter how old we are. No matter how impossible it seems, or how long it takes, you CAN find your people. 

... 

The more we all navigate through life changes — the more perspective we all gain through simply experiencing life — the easier it is to stick together. Because the ones who matter — the ones who get the new, changed you  — will stay with you."

Reading this has helped put some things into perspective for me; even though I want to take everyone with me to my next stage of life, some of the friends I've made at JBU won't be a part of that new stage of life. As much as I hate the thought of it because I love everyone there so much, it's true. There's a sacredness to certain people only being a part of your life in a certain time and place. It's okay to keep them there, to treasure them in that chapter of your story. There will always be times when I look back at the people I've gotten to know at college and people I've grown to love and care about deeply, and I will always be reminded of how loved I've been, how encouraged I was to pursue my passion, and how much people truly believed in my abilities even when I doubted myself. 

I will still continue to struggle with anxiety and depression here and there, but this (along with talking to friends) has helped me some in my journey.

I love all of you dearly, and I hope you will continue to pray for me as I finish out my last 3 weeks (yep, only 3 left!) of college, of my time at JBU. 

Halloween: to celebrate or not?

In the past two days, I've gotten Facebook invites to participate in worship services on campus on the same day. I go to a private Christian university, so that's not anything out of the ordinary. My first reaction to these invites were, "Oh, how nice." Then, I started reading the details of the events.

The first was a sunrise worship service for the morning of Halloween. The second was for that night. What made me cringe was the description for each of them.

The sunrise service's description states (and I quote):

"As it is Halloween, and so much of our nation will be celebrating evil, we thought we would declare it the Lord's day and pray and sing about His goodness and sovereignty over the day."

The second service's description for that night states:

"The 31st of October is a day when people celebrate evil, in many places of the world there are all kinds of sacrifices and rituals made for the evil one. So how are we, God's people reacting to this?
This invitation is for those who want to make a difference, who believe that its better to celebrate the light than the darkness. I know it may be exciting to go to the Halloween parties and the haunted houses, but how much better is it to praise the one, almighty God!? Remember that we are not from this world, so don't be afraid of what people will say."

These services sound like a really good idea. I am all for advocating worshiping the Lord. I also agree that a lot of people go out and get into all sorts of trouble on Halloween night. 

However, people seem to get into trouble without a holiday for it. And to me, these worship services seem to ignore the fact that there are people out in the general public to be witnessed to. There is a danger of being self-righteous in saying, "I'm not going to celebrate Halloween because of its evil intentions, and you shouldn't either." 

I see nothing wrong with getting together with friends in costume and having goodies at a party. I have good friends that I completely trust who I would love to celebrate their friendship with at a get-together of sorts.

I'm not trying to pick any fights with anyone about this or discouraging worshiping the Lord. But what if we used something that was originally meant for evil and turned it into something good? What if we went to the people and talked with them, got to know them, show them the love and truth of Jesus? 

Paul had several things to say about this in the New Testament. On the one hand, in 1 Corinthians 8, he discusses the possibility of refraining from eating meat sacrificed to idols because it might cause some of his weaker brothers in Christ to stumble; some new believers who weren't as strong in their faith probably saw their more "experienced" (for lack of a better word) Christians eating meat sacrificed to idols, and they ended up having the wrong intentions and ate it. Even though the older Christians ate it with no heart issue, the new believers had the wrong motives in their partaking of it. So Paul advised that the Corinthians be watchful for their brothers and sisters, so they would be careful not to cause them to think or act wrongly. 

In somewhat of a contrast, in Galatians 2, Paul criticizes Peter for refusing to eat with the Gentiles (outsiders) because he was afraid of what the Jews (insiders) would think of him. Even though the Gentiles he could've eaten with had come to know Christ and follow Him like some of the Jewish believers, he still became afraid of what people thought of him and refused to eat with the Gentile believers. Paul opposed Peter for this, saying in verse 19, "For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God." The Law, being all of the rules that the Jews followed, was not what brought salvation to believers: it was (and still is) only by faith in Christ. But Jews still had a tendency to think they were above the Gentiles, because they had previously kept the Law (or at least identified it as the ultimate rulebook of sorts). Paul goes on to say in verses 20 and 21: 

"I have been crucified with Christ, for it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly." 

In Christ, we are free from sin and spiritual death, because He now lives in and rules our hearts and minds, replacing our fleshly desires. There is liberty/freedom in what we do as believers, as long as our intentions are pure and they don't defy what God has commanded of us. Even then, there should be boundaries set for some. Nobody is perfect and not everyone is wired the same way; everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. 

I say all of this to say this final statement: if you don't celebrate Halloween, that's perfectly fine. I affirm that. I understand why. But please, don't condemn those who do celebrate it in a wholesome atmosphere. We love Jesus, too. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this! However you choose to live the day tomorrow, I pray that it is edifying and pleasing to God. 

Busy Does NOT Equal Better

"O, may angels glorify him incessantly, 

and if possible, prostrate themselves lower

before the blessed King of heaven!

I long to bear a part with them in ceaseless praise; 

But when I have done all I can to eternity

I shall not be able to offer more than a small fraction of the homage

that the glorious God deserves. 

Give me a heart full of divine, heavenly love."

-- The Valley of Vision

I went to the Gathering (Sunday evening service at JBU) tonight for the first time in a long time, because I live off campus and usually am not around on the weekend. I got to sit in a pew and listen to a guy tell his story that of course had an affect on me, because God is cool like that and everything happens for a reason. He shared his story of how he had become passionate about sharing the Gospel with unreached people groups and being involved in all sorts of things, and how he had to learn to put all that aside and simply love God. It struck me because I am kind of in the same place. 

This last semester of college has been hectic so far, and I have loved every minute of it. From being one of the female leads in the musical, to preparing for my senior recital, to working part time, to helping two choirs, to teaching guitar/voice lessons... My life is crazy busy. But I've always liked it that way. I've always wanted to feel wanted/needed. 

For so long, I had prayed and prayed that God would provide ways that I could help others and get more involved in doing things that I wanted to do and things that would prepare me for the future. And praise to Him, He has provided so many! However, my semester has kind of come to a halt in the past week because I got sick. I had a viral infection/laryngitis, which is literally the worst thing that can happen to a singer. And I happen to need to be singing a LOT this semester. Being in bed for two days straight and coughing all the time has been unbearable for me. Instead of resting, I've felt stressed because of everything I need to get done. 

The problem with that, though, is that I have to get well and stay well before I can really be effective in anything. 

While I'm progressing in getting better, I'm still not completely recovered, and I still need to rest my body and take care of myself. However, I always put everyone first before myself, and that makes me happy to see them happy and to be needed. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to say "no" to someone. I've gotten better at being able to tell people "no" if I need to, but it's still not easy for me. 

The guy I listened to at the Gathering spoke of the story of Mary and Martha. Of course, we know the story of how Martha was making preparations for Jesus and his followers, and how Mary didn't help her; Martha got upset at Mary and basically tattled on her to Jesus. But Jesus loving told Martha that Mary was doing the right thing, and that it wouldn't be taken away from her. I do this ALL the time; I equate busyness with my worth as a person, how much of a better person can I be. This is a completely false way of thinking, but it's hard not to when I find my worth in others needing me and appreciating me. The thing is, though, it's not about me at all. 

Lesson learned from this: busy does NOT equal being a better person. It's a lot of fun, but it can catch up to you, and it can distract you from simply sitting at the Savior's feet and learning more about Him and simply loving Him. Of course there is always a need somewhere, and being involved is a good thing. But like the guy at the Gathering said, "I put the means above the end." ...I tend to do that with a lot of things. 

I love the prayer that I posted at the top, because it is a good reminder that even if I participate in everything I possibly can in life, it is only a fraction of God's plan for the world. I am not all there is. Life isn't about me. It's all about Him, and He will be glorified in more than what I have to offer. Thanks be to Him that He still accepts what I do as an offering towards Him, even if my intentions are not always straight! 

Father, forgive me for not loving You with my whole heart and mind. 

As scary as it sounds, overwhelm my life, in every aspect. 

Change my heart.