Reflections on 2011

Every year towards New Year's Eve for the past few years, I have written a note on my Facebook page that reflects on the year's events, thoughts, and lessons learned. I'm writing my first blog post on it a few days early this year, just because I have the time right now and don't know if I will later. (You might wanna grab some popcorn or do some stretches, because you may be here a while -- IF you decide to read all of it! If you do, I applaud you and hold you in the highest respect.)

This was the year where there were so many weather oddities, it was ridiculous. First of all, in February, we had 2 feet of snow fall in at least a 12 hour period. That was a lot of fun to play in, but the "playing" usually consisted of me falling backwards into the depths of the icy powdery stuff and my sister and I throwing armfuls on top of each other's heads. In April, we had all of the major flooding in AR. We also had the various earthquakes this semester. Before this year, I had never felt an earthquake, and I felt at least 2 or 3 this fall alone!

The middle of February, we had to say goodbye to our 7 year old beagle, Bogey. We had found out in November 2010 that he had prostate cancer, and that he might not survive past Christmas. He managed to pull through, but he got much worse in the following month. Finally, my parents and Lindsey had to travel far away for a cheer competition, and I was going to be the only one at my house that weekend. With him becoming worse and worse with each day, the Tuesday night before, we all made the toughest decision we've had to make: we decided to put him down the next morning. Words can't describe the pain and grief that we all felt that week. The next morning, he was as happy as could be, but very weak. With tears in our eyes, we said our last goodbyes, and then my parents took him. I didn't want to do anything that week. I was absolutely heartbroken. I guess I was so grief-stricken, because I knew I would never get to scratch behind his soft ears again. I would never hear that beagle howling from him whenever there was food on the table that he wanted. I would never be able to hug him, cry on him, tell him all of my problems.

He was my best friend in the period of my life when I pretty much had nobody to talk to. And I would never see him or touch him ever again.

My parents came home, and they said he went as painless as possible. He would never hurt again. But he was gone, and he would never come back. There were 2 options, they told us. We could either cremate him, or there was a pet cemetery we could bury him at. We couldn't stand the thought of him being cremated even though he was dead, so we had him buried in the pet cemetery in Bentonville. You may laugh that we did that, but until you know that strong bond between a dog and their owners, you'll never understand. He was part of our family.

I made a plethora of new friends, partly from taking classes at Ecclesia College for concurrent credit and from my fellow homeschooled graduating seniors that I met at the graduation-planning meetings at the Fedosky's house. I have made some lifelong friendships with quite a few of the people that I graduated with, but sadly, there were quite a few people that I haven't kept up with and haven't talked to since the end of senior year. I always wonder what would've happened if I would've taken the time to keep up with those friends; some of them I really don't even know what they're doing right now or how they're doing.

Graduation came and went, just like that. It was beautiful; I gave one of the speeches that day, and I felt like that was a huge milestone in my life, because it brought me confidence in myself, which is something new to me (because I had no confidence it seemed like). That day, I ended one huge chapter of my life and started a new one. This summer was one of the best ones of my life; I feel like I say that with every new summer, but it really was. We hosted a worldviews study at our house every Tuesday afternoon, and when we were done, we would all go out to my huge backyard and play ultimate frisbee until we were utterly exhausted!

I also got into my first real relationship this summer. You may be wondering, "Is she really going to tell us about this?" Well, yes I am, but not everything. To put it simply, we really liked each other, and it seemed perfect, except for that we both knew it was going to be tough, because it would've been a long distance relationship. At first, though, we were both willing to work at it. Then, a few days before he left for college, things kinda just fell apart, and we both realized that it wouldn't work out after all. I knew it was for the best for both of us, but it was so extremely tough all the same. We're still good friends, and I like it that way. We both learned something and both grew from it. That was one of the toughest things I had to learn this year: let it go. Not just for this relationship, but for pretty much everything: my dreams, plans, you name it. Let go, and let God. There was a quote from one of my favorite fiction series (the Christy Miller series) where one of the main characters was talking to another one of the main characters on the phone, and he told her, "Sometimes the test of true love for a friend, is not to hold on to them tighter, but to let them go. Sometimes letting go is letting God take control and letting Him do what He's been trying to do all along." I had to really think long and hard about that one, and the great part about all of it, is that it drove me to my knees every time.

I also learned that sometimes God uses things or allows things to happen that are hard, in order that we might be drawn back to His side. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's necessary that we learn it that way.

Starting college was also really hard. I applaud those who have the gift of adaptability, because I do NOT. At all. Change is change; even if it's good change, it's still change. I don't function very well when change happens. I am a VERY routine person, which can be a good thing, but it is also definitely a curse. I like spontaneousness sometimes, like when plans for hanging out with friends change. But when it's something major... Phew. I kinda lose it... Another lesson I had to learn: go ahead and make plans, but always expect them to be changed. God tends to completely change things at times. That's another thing that's also driven me to my knees in prayer.

It took almost half of the semester for me to find a core group of friends at JBU, but I'm SO glad I've found them. I really have no idea what I would do without them in my life! And I thank God every day for not only them, but for everyone else I run into, on and off campus.

I also tried out for a singer/songwriter competition called The Next Big Thing at JBU. I didn't think I'd make it, but somehow, God decided that He wanted me to be a finalist, even though I was only a freshman who's probably the least confident and the least qualified. But I'm sure glad He said "yes" to that, and I'm going to try my hardest to write/sing/perform for His glory!

Being home for break has been really good for me, too. Even though I still live at and commute from my house in Springdale to JBU every day, it's given me an appreciation for staying at home and spending time with family. Before this semester, I NEVER wanted to stay at home. Now, I've been grateful for lots of sleep and rest for one, but also just getting to hang out with my family, to go to dinner with them somewhere or to stay home and watch a movie with them.

Probably the biggest lesson I've learned this year is a familiar one (and a bit of a cliched one, too): don't judge a book by its cover. Ohhh my goodness. It's so interesting how some of the friends I thought I was going to keep, I didn't, and the people that I never thought I would be close to, became the people I've come to trust the most and love the most. I've met some people at JBU that I would trust my whole life to. There are also others that I am still very cautious of. And then there are all those other people that I have yet to have the privilege of getting to know. :)

So many lessons learned this year. So many hard times, yet so many good things. And yet, I'm grateful for every single one of these things that God has put into my life. He is continuing to shape me into who He wants me to be, even though I still have a long way to go. I cannot wait to see what the next year has in store for me! Here's to 2012: bring it on!

Short & Sweet ('Cause It's Late)

I don't know what specifically God has in mind for my life, but I feel called to ministry in some way. As to what specifically that is, I have absolutely no idea...

Tonight as I was chatting on Skype with my friends, Shane and Alisha, we were discussing some deep stuff, and I happened to pop this question: "Do you ever feel called to do something but feel like the least qualified person to do it?"

Alisha gave a resounding, "Yes!" which made me feel better, since those have been my feelings for the past few weeks.

Shane, in response, said:

"I don't actually. I trust that God will do his work whether I'm good or not so I just kinda... do it. Whether I think I can or not is not important becuase if God wants it done, it will be done."

...Blew my mind. 'Cause he's right.

In short, we shouldn't be worried about whether we are qualified to do something or aren't. I honestly can't remember who said this, but it's one of my absolute favorite quotes:

"God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called."

This should cause me to breathe a sigh of relief, because I sure as heck don't feel qualified to do a lot of things that I feel called to.

To close my very short post (compared to my other ones), I remembered 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, in which Paul says,

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Thoughts about loneliness...

I've been reading Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot for the past week or so since I've had the time to do some "fun" reading. I had heard lots of good things about it, and I had bought it a while ago, but hadn't gotten the chance to read it, so I picked it up one night and started reading.

It's amazing how close to home Elisabeth Elliot hits with what she says. Another one of my friends said about her, "I love how direct and unapologetic she is." I also wonder sometimes if she has read my mind or heard my heart, because she echos so many of my questions and thought processes in her book.

There was one quote from a chapter that really smacked me in the face, which says,

"Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."

I remembered James 1:2-4, which pretty much says the same thing, saying that trials that we go through produces steadfastness, which helps us in the sanctification process (although you really should look up the verses and read them for yourself; James is one of my absolute favorite books!)

I guess it was one of those things that I had thought about, but I never fully understood that even something so small a problem and yet so big of one as loneliness is still a trial. I know I never thought about it as being one. Trials to me usually meant that you were dealing with a major health problem or that you were being persecuted for your faith. And those ARE trials. However, even the little things can be and can become a major problem and need to be dealt with.

What I've learned about loneliness this semester is this: I am most lonely when I've barely taken a thought about God. It is when I get so caught up in my own problems and what I can do to fix things and what I don't have that I get unsatisfied with where I am in life, who I'm with, what I'm doing, EVERYTHING. Then everything seems to fall apart again. But it's SUCH a good thing it happens, and I'm so grateful for it. Wanna know why?

1. It drives me to my knees in prayer, which in turn...

2. Leads me back to the cross and to Christ's waiting arms of love.

Christ is always there, ready and waiting for me to run back to Him. Even when I've dug myself into such a deep hole that I feel like I can't climb back out, He's got a rope, a ladder, whatever it takes to pull me back up out of the pit and back to Him again.

Funny thing about loneliness is, I always bring it upon myself, in a way. Since Christ is always there, it is ALWAYS me. I am the one who inches farther away from His side to see if I can do things my way for a change. Guess what? It never works out.

So, the question of the century: why do I keep running away?

Because, ladies and gents, I am a sinner who never learns.

Praise God that He is able to use painful things like loneliness to draw me back into His loving embrace for another chance.

A Lesson Learned

I wrote this essay for my Gateway class this semester - we had to write about a lesson God had taught us. There were SO many I could write about, but this one stuck out the most in my mind (and was the most recent). I hope you learn something from it and take it to heart!



A Not-So Hidden Promise

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28 ESV)

By my senior year of high school, I knew I was going to college, and I knew what I was going to be majoring in. I just hadn’t figured out where God wanted me to be. I knew I wanted to go to a Christian college, because integrating my faith in with my academics had been a huge part of my education for a long time, and I wanted to continue that in my higher education. As to where I was supposed to be or would eventually end up, that was harder to figure out.

After months of headaches from staring at my laptop screen for hours on end researching different colleges, I narrowed my list down to two: College of the Ozarks and John Brown University. Both are rather small, but good-sized non-denominational Christian colleges, where the population consisted of one to two thousand students; just right for me. Both were home to breathtaking campuses, strongly encouraged building your faith and walk with God along with using your brain to the best of your ability, and both were home to exceptional music programs (which is what I had decided on majoring in).

Numerous were the nights as I lay in my firm bed, turning myself and my sheets around in the darkness, where I would faintly whisper over and over, “Lord, where do I go?” When March rolled around, I was still unsettled and indecisive about where God wanted me. I was already accepted at JBU, but still hadn’t heard back from College of the Ozarks. However, my heart ached to go to College of the Ozarks. Feeling like God wasn’t answering me, I told God, “I know You want me somewhere specific. I know you will close doors if You don’t want me some place. College of the Ozarks is so much easier to pay for, it’s a few hours away but not too far away, and I would finally be out of the house and on my own in a way,” I reasoned. “If they accept me, I’ll go there. If not, I know you want me at JBU, so I’ll go there.”

It was a week after that when I crouched in my small car, holding the letter that would determine my college life with shaking hands. My eyes rushed through the words:

“Dear Lauren,
We regret to inform you that you have not been accepted to College of the Ozarks…”

I didn’t need to read any more. God had given me His answer. All the saliva drained from my mouth, and my parched lips twitched. I closed my eyes and my chest felt like it had taken a nose-dive into a mineshaft. I forced out a few chuckles, but in just one minute, my eyes were gushing salty water. Realizing that I was still sitting in my little white Toyota Corolla parked by our brick mailbox, my fingers swept away the torrential downpour from the corners of my eyes and my puffy cheeks and drove back up my driveway.

A few minutes later, I was in the safety of my room to think over what just happened. My head knew that I should be happy that I had gotten an answer, but my heart wasn’t there yet. I didn’t want to admit it to God, but I was disappointed and bitter. That was because I was like a toddler who didn’t get what I wanted. Then I recognized what my problem was: I had told God that I wanted to know His plans, but I wanted them to match up with my own.

It took several months through my freshman year at John Brown University to truly convince myself in both my head and my heart, that God has a specific plan for my life and that He can see the whole picture; I cannot. He is an all-knowing, all-powerful, and loving God. He works things out for the good of those who love and serve Him. I’ve seen it in my own life before. Because of that, I can trust Him completely and be able to give my plans and dreams up to Him for Him to either use as part of His or to give me something even better.

Lord, I see that You’re at work in my life here at JBU; help me to remember that I am here for Your glory and Your purposes. Amen.

Placing My Gifts at His Feet

I am speechless.

All I felt like doing was run in circles, screaming from the abundance of joy in my heart. I actually did that Friday night standing in the middle of Walker Student Center in the middle of my friends' circle! I couldn't stop giggling and my hands were shaking from so much excitement. I had just sung for JBU's annual Christmas Candlelight service for the second night in a row this year, so I was already extremely happy. I checked my mailbox after the service because I had forgotten to earlier that day. I saw I had a letter from the Next Big Thing people. I snatched it and tore it open. I hesitated to read it at first, because I thought to myself, "I hope this isn't a rejection letter..." For as many things as I had tried out for this semester, I had gotten more rejection from people this semester than I have probably my whole life. I had tried out for the Next Big Thing, originally because my mom suggested that I should.

"It'll be a great opportunity for you!" she reassured me after I told her I was fully convinced that I wouldn't make it, considering that I was a freshman and that there were MUCH better songwriters/performers than me. "Even if you don't make it, you'll know how to work harder for next time." I agreed, and practiced one of the songs I had written a long time ago. Tryouts went surprisingly well, but I had to wait for weeks to find out the results.

So, opening the letter in my hand, I read:

"Dear Lauren,

Congratulations! On behalf of the entire Next Big Thing Judging Panel, it is my pleasure to inform you that the judges have selected you to move on to the final round of the Next Big Thing. . ."

I only had to read the first few words. I'm pretty sure I looked absolutely ridiculous screaming my head off and jumping with ecstasy in the middle of the student center!

Driving home from JBU that night, only one thought repeated in my mind: Why me?

If any of you know me, you will know that I am the least confident person in the world. I love music, and one of my dreams is to record my own CD, because I want that to be part of my ministry. I know I am a decent musician. However, performing in front of people TERRIFIES me. My throat dries up instantly, and my hands shake uncontrollably. I've gotten better at being confident, but I still have a LONG way to go.

In my mind, I am the least qualified person to be chosen. So... Why me?

God could've said "no" to me again. But He didn't.

The only thing I can think of is that God is telling me, "Alright, Lauren, I'm giving you this opportunity. I'm going to bless you. But now you must give it back to me. Give me all you've got. Use your gifts for MY glory."

My wise mother once told me, "Trust God in the little things; THEN the big things will come."

Before Candlelight started for the third night in a row, the night after I found out I was a finalist for the Next Big Thing, the women's chorus' devotional for the night was about the three wise men. I had heard this story a million and one times. When Kate Dewey shared the story this time, though, it gave it so much more meaning for me. Think of three noble kings, actual kings, traveling so far to catch a glimpse of this little Jewish baby. How strange it would've been to see this happen. . . I picture them riding their lumbering camels in a dry, dusty desert to find this child. They arrive at the little shack of a house that belonged to Mary and Joseph, just in time to see the stars peek out of their hiding places. At the first sight of Jesus, they instantly collapse to the ground, bowing down to this Jewish toddler. They gave him the most extravagant gifts (the ones we can all name from memory: gold, frankincense, myrrh). What strange but beautiful and costly gifts these must've been! But the three kings gave him their best gifts that they could offer, because they knew in their hearts that Jesus was the Messiah.

This convicts me so much. . . Am I giving Christ my best gifts? Am I laying them down at His feet, ready and willing to let Him have His way with me and use me for something so wonderful and great?

With this in mind, I have absolutely no idea where the next few months are going to take me with this. All I know is that it's going to be a good semester in the spring. :)

Lord, thank you for allowing me to be used in such an incredible way. Let the words and the notes that I pen down be glorifying to Your awesome and holy name. Continue to guide and direct my steps, down the path that You want me to walk on. Amen.