Reflections on 2011

Every year towards New Year's Eve for the past few years, I have written a note on my Facebook page that reflects on the year's events, thoughts, and lessons learned. I'm writing my first blog post on it a few days early this year, just because I have the time right now and don't know if I will later. (You might wanna grab some popcorn or do some stretches, because you may be here a while -- IF you decide to read all of it! If you do, I applaud you and hold you in the highest respect.)

This was the year where there were so many weather oddities, it was ridiculous. First of all, in February, we had 2 feet of snow fall in at least a 12 hour period. That was a lot of fun to play in, but the "playing" usually consisted of me falling backwards into the depths of the icy powdery stuff and my sister and I throwing armfuls on top of each other's heads. In April, we had all of the major flooding in AR. We also had the various earthquakes this semester. Before this year, I had never felt an earthquake, and I felt at least 2 or 3 this fall alone!

The middle of February, we had to say goodbye to our 7 year old beagle, Bogey. We had found out in November 2010 that he had prostate cancer, and that he might not survive past Christmas. He managed to pull through, but he got much worse in the following month. Finally, my parents and Lindsey had to travel far away for a cheer competition, and I was going to be the only one at my house that weekend. With him becoming worse and worse with each day, the Tuesday night before, we all made the toughest decision we've had to make: we decided to put him down the next morning. Words can't describe the pain and grief that we all felt that week. The next morning, he was as happy as could be, but very weak. With tears in our eyes, we said our last goodbyes, and then my parents took him. I didn't want to do anything that week. I was absolutely heartbroken. I guess I was so grief-stricken, because I knew I would never get to scratch behind his soft ears again. I would never hear that beagle howling from him whenever there was food on the table that he wanted. I would never be able to hug him, cry on him, tell him all of my problems.

He was my best friend in the period of my life when I pretty much had nobody to talk to. And I would never see him or touch him ever again.

My parents came home, and they said he went as painless as possible. He would never hurt again. But he was gone, and he would never come back. There were 2 options, they told us. We could either cremate him, or there was a pet cemetery we could bury him at. We couldn't stand the thought of him being cremated even though he was dead, so we had him buried in the pet cemetery in Bentonville. You may laugh that we did that, but until you know that strong bond between a dog and their owners, you'll never understand. He was part of our family.

I made a plethora of new friends, partly from taking classes at Ecclesia College for concurrent credit and from my fellow homeschooled graduating seniors that I met at the graduation-planning meetings at the Fedosky's house. I have made some lifelong friendships with quite a few of the people that I graduated with, but sadly, there were quite a few people that I haven't kept up with and haven't talked to since the end of senior year. I always wonder what would've happened if I would've taken the time to keep up with those friends; some of them I really don't even know what they're doing right now or how they're doing.

Graduation came and went, just like that. It was beautiful; I gave one of the speeches that day, and I felt like that was a huge milestone in my life, because it brought me confidence in myself, which is something new to me (because I had no confidence it seemed like). That day, I ended one huge chapter of my life and started a new one. This summer was one of the best ones of my life; I feel like I say that with every new summer, but it really was. We hosted a worldviews study at our house every Tuesday afternoon, and when we were done, we would all go out to my huge backyard and play ultimate frisbee until we were utterly exhausted!

I also got into my first real relationship this summer. You may be wondering, "Is she really going to tell us about this?" Well, yes I am, but not everything. To put it simply, we really liked each other, and it seemed perfect, except for that we both knew it was going to be tough, because it would've been a long distance relationship. At first, though, we were both willing to work at it. Then, a few days before he left for college, things kinda just fell apart, and we both realized that it wouldn't work out after all. I knew it was for the best for both of us, but it was so extremely tough all the same. We're still good friends, and I like it that way. We both learned something and both grew from it. That was one of the toughest things I had to learn this year: let it go. Not just for this relationship, but for pretty much everything: my dreams, plans, you name it. Let go, and let God. There was a quote from one of my favorite fiction series (the Christy Miller series) where one of the main characters was talking to another one of the main characters on the phone, and he told her, "Sometimes the test of true love for a friend, is not to hold on to them tighter, but to let them go. Sometimes letting go is letting God take control and letting Him do what He's been trying to do all along." I had to really think long and hard about that one, and the great part about all of it, is that it drove me to my knees every time.

I also learned that sometimes God uses things or allows things to happen that are hard, in order that we might be drawn back to His side. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's necessary that we learn it that way.

Starting college was also really hard. I applaud those who have the gift of adaptability, because I do NOT. At all. Change is change; even if it's good change, it's still change. I don't function very well when change happens. I am a VERY routine person, which can be a good thing, but it is also definitely a curse. I like spontaneousness sometimes, like when plans for hanging out with friends change. But when it's something major... Phew. I kinda lose it... Another lesson I had to learn: go ahead and make plans, but always expect them to be changed. God tends to completely change things at times. That's another thing that's also driven me to my knees in prayer.

It took almost half of the semester for me to find a core group of friends at JBU, but I'm SO glad I've found them. I really have no idea what I would do without them in my life! And I thank God every day for not only them, but for everyone else I run into, on and off campus.

I also tried out for a singer/songwriter competition called The Next Big Thing at JBU. I didn't think I'd make it, but somehow, God decided that He wanted me to be a finalist, even though I was only a freshman who's probably the least confident and the least qualified. But I'm sure glad He said "yes" to that, and I'm going to try my hardest to write/sing/perform for His glory!

Being home for break has been really good for me, too. Even though I still live at and commute from my house in Springdale to JBU every day, it's given me an appreciation for staying at home and spending time with family. Before this semester, I NEVER wanted to stay at home. Now, I've been grateful for lots of sleep and rest for one, but also just getting to hang out with my family, to go to dinner with them somewhere or to stay home and watch a movie with them.

Probably the biggest lesson I've learned this year is a familiar one (and a bit of a cliched one, too): don't judge a book by its cover. Ohhh my goodness. It's so interesting how some of the friends I thought I was going to keep, I didn't, and the people that I never thought I would be close to, became the people I've come to trust the most and love the most. I've met some people at JBU that I would trust my whole life to. There are also others that I am still very cautious of. And then there are all those other people that I have yet to have the privilege of getting to know. :)

So many lessons learned this year. So many hard times, yet so many good things. And yet, I'm grateful for every single one of these things that God has put into my life. He is continuing to shape me into who He wants me to be, even though I still have a long way to go. I cannot wait to see what the next year has in store for me! Here's to 2012: bring it on!