"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
That was the question that every grown-up asked me when I was younger. My answer changed pretty much every year: it always ranged from being a singer to being a meteorologist (I still wouldn't mind doing that today if it weren't for all that good ol' math and science).
I'm no longer asked that question, at least not in the same way, because now, I AM grown up. I used to think 20 was old... Ha! I'll be 22 in December and I feel way too young to be doing things myself. For one thing, I'm expected to know what I want to do with my entire life. I'm supposed to have it all figured out.
I'm getting several emails from the college's career center online, telling me to start looking for jobs and asking me to put in all my criteria and info to find matching jobs. ... Aaaand nothing. *sigh*
Isn't it funny how the dreams you had as a kid fade away once you realize how far fetched some of them are? It sucks.
Now, instead the conversation is always something like this:
"So what are you doing after this semester?"
"Good question. Let me get back to you on that."
(Makes me want to pull out my hair....)
As a music student, I'm expected to teach music lessons because that's what I majored in and teaching is pretty much all that anyone can think of for a practical job in that field. (Why can't there be other options?!)
So there's that.
I also start my last semester of school in 4 days.
I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and cry for days and not think about it... seriously considering starting a revolt against being an adult. But I can't ignore it; it's inevitable. I will (God willing) finish up this semester, perform my senior recital, graduate, and then move on with my life. I will have to move out and provide for myself in some way, I will have to find a stable job that pays decently so I can make a living for myself, I will eventually (and hopefully) marry my best friend and start a family, and then ta-da, my life will be complete... or not...
After this semester ends, I will no longer see all my friends all the time; no more late nights in the music lab, no more sitting in the practice room banging my head against the piano trying to practice for voice lessons, no more theory or musicianship or homework or classes... ever.
I should be thinking, "Wow, I'm almost done and I made it this far!" And I am, of course. But really, I'm going to miss everything, even the hard and boring things. This has been my life the past 3 (will be 3.5) years, and I've been in school in general for so long that it will be weird not being in it anymore.
There are so many questions running marathons through my head... How many of my friends that I've made will stay in my life? I'm terrified that I won't get to keep any of them in the long run. I wish I could just keep friends in my life for longer than 3 years. I'm tired of leaving places, and I'm tired of people leaving my life. Why can't things just stay the same for once? Why can't I just keep friends in my life for years and years to come? I love making new friends, and it's not that hard for me, but it does wear me out and I wonder if people would ever care to pour into me like I want to pour into them. Will I stay? Will I leave? If I do, where would I go?
Even with the questions, I know God has it all planned out and that He knows what will happen and that He will guide me in the process. It's just hard because I am not in control. Doors will open and close whether or not I want them to. I have a say in some things but ultimately God opens the doors for me. Proverbs 16 has several verses that explain that even though man plans his way and "casts lots", God ultimately directs our steps and every decision is planned by Him. Comforting reminder, for sure.
To all my friends at JBU, thank you for putting up with my absolute dorkiness and oddities for the past few years. You have all contributed in my growth spiritually, emotionally, and mentally as a person, and I cannot thank you enough for that. Thank you for being that shoulder I cried on after I got a horrible grade on an assignment, for studying with me before a huge Music History exam, for reminding me that my life and my worth are so much more than my grades and my knowledge. You all mean so much to me, and I'm going to start crying as I start thinking about leaving this wonderful place. (If it looks like I'm about to break down, just give me a hug. I don't care who you are.) I hope I can keep some of the relationships I've made in the past few years and keep them for a long time. You guys mean too much to me for me to just let go of you all. Thank you for giving me the confidence I wanted for so long; I know I'm not perfect at all, but I know that my God is bigger than I am and He saved me from my sinful flesh and He is all that matters in my life.
To you AND to all my professors I've had, thank you for believing in me when I didn't think I could do things myself. I had no idea the potential I had until college, and now I can go try to change some lives with what I've been given. Thank you for pouring into me, because your teaching has truly made a difference in my life. I hope I can teach others the lessons I've learned from you as well as you've taught them to me.
I love you all. Here's to my last semester, these last few pages in this chapter of life, and here's to the next one!
Friday, August 22, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
Hope in Pain, Hope in Life.
I drove home from Tulsa tonight not being able to get the news of Robin Williams out of my head. "He's dead." Many are saying it is because he committed suicide, which makes his death even more heartbreaking. It made me reflect on the many countless others I know that suffer from depression and emotional instability.
I have dealt with depression a lot in my life. A lot of it has been minor, but I have also experienced a lot of emotional pain from different experiences in my life. However, this isn't uncommon to many of us. We all have our secrets, our own dark sides, our own experiences, and our own baggage that we carry silently.
This is the human condition: we long to be loved in the deepest way.
Most of us will do whatever it takes to obtain that kind of love. We put on a cheerful face, we blend in, we keep up with trends, cake the makeup on our faces, we let people walk all over us... all because we long to fit in somewhere, to be accepted by society, and to be loved unconditionally.
That's why I believe many people endure emotional or physical abuse by someone close to them, because it's so hard to let go of them and be done with them. There is something in peoples' minds that says, "They're not perfect, I'll keep giving them chances" even though they might never change. They would rather endure the pain of the abuse and keep them around, than potentially finding solace in being alone. All for the sake of "love."
That's why I believe that many suffer from depression. If we are not loved enough, either by enough people or enough from at least one person, we feel our self-worth crumbling under our feet like an avalanche. We crave each others' attention. We desire affirmation constantly. If we do not get what we want, we over-evaluate ourselves. "What's wrong with me?" "Why does no one laugh at my jokes?" "I only got 1 like on my status while she got 30 on hers." Etc, etc. All to be affirmed and to be loved.
That's why I think a lot of us suffer from anxiety. We are always afraid something will go wrong, that the part of us we don't want to see will come out and be exposed. We're afraid of ridicule, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of not being accepted. All for the sake of wanting to be loved and adored.
That's why I think people have the nerve to commit suicide. This is a touchy subject, but I want to dive into it anyway... People don't feel accepted, loved, desired, so they end their lives to escape the pain. Sometimes, there are times where things happen that are incredibly bad that we can't give an explanation for. Let me just say something...
IT. IS. NEVER. WORTH. IT. EVER.
Friends, let me tell you that there is ALWAYS hope in life. I know this because I have experienced it firsthand. Jesus Christ has given me that hope during any kind of suffering I'm experiencing. I'm not claiming to be "better" than anyone else because I've accepted Him as my Savior and leader of my life. I do not even claim that my life is all daisies and sunshine, because believe me, it's not at all - I've gone through so much crap in my life because of me being a Christian. That doesn't make sense to a lot of people. So then, you may be led to ask, why are you a Christian then, if the pain could be eliminated by not being one, by not following Him? Even if you aren't personally suffering, what about the world around us? God doesn't seem to care. What then?
Because, friends, the pain is worth it all. God does care, more than we can ever believe. So much so that He sent His Son Jesus to earth. He suffered and died for all the wrongs I've done and have yet to do, all my mistakes, all the pain I've personally caused others. He rose from the grave because He desires for everyone to come to Him, rest in His love and mercy, and follow Him. He desires relationship with us just as much as we desire relationship with others, but not because He needs us. He desires relationship with us, simply because He created us and loves us. I know I am loved and accepted as His own because I have accepted Him. At the same time, I know I could never have accepted Him if He had not "chosen" me and pursued me first. If He suffered for my sins and my wrongdoings because He loved me, why can't I suffer for His sake? He endured every kind of pain possible, so He understands and sympathizes with us completely.
Take the story of Job in the Bible. ALL of his possessions were destroyed, his children were all killed, his own health was gone. All because God let Satan test Job, because Satan thought Job followed God because of all the earthly blessings He gave Job. Job didn't do anything wrong; he was a righteous man who feared and loved God. So... Why was he suffering this much? We get to know why, but he never got those answers for himself. Instead, God questioned him: "Did you create the earth and the heavens? Do YOU know how things work? etc."
Sounds intimidating, right?
It was, because Job repented of his doubtfulness of God, and his health and family and possessions were all restored to him. Despite his doubts, he never cursed God; he remained faithful in following God.
You know, I may not understand why certain things happen, but do I have to know? Am I the Creator of the Universe? Do I have the power to control the weather or the earth? Do I know all the answers to the way things work? The answer to all of these questions is: no! In a sense, God doesn't have to answer me, yet despite that He desires to give us comfort and pursues relationship with us. All things work together for good for those who love and serve Him (Romans 8:28). Even if we never experience that or see it come to pass in our lifetime, God is ALWAYS good, and He always works things out to bring about His bigger and even better plan.
THIS is why I still continue to follow Christ. In the midst of trials, He gives me peace in the storm. He gives me rest in the midst of the craziness. He gives me love in the midst of heartache.
Please, if you don't know Christ personally, or if you're really not sure about following Him, or even if it's worth it, please feel free to message me, call me, text me, etc. I wish you could all experience this great love and mercy that I have experienced, and I know you can.
Please, please know this also: there is always hope, even in the darkest times of our lives. You are always loved, even if you don't feel it. You are desired, even if you don't see it.
[A side note: I understand some of these things people suffer from are actually medical conditions and that sometimes it can't be helped. I do think, though, that some of the problem is in how we think and what we believe. Also, I would love to share my stories with any of you if you want to talk and discuss depression or anxiety.]
I have dealt with depression a lot in my life. A lot of it has been minor, but I have also experienced a lot of emotional pain from different experiences in my life. However, this isn't uncommon to many of us. We all have our secrets, our own dark sides, our own experiences, and our own baggage that we carry silently.
This is the human condition: we long to be loved in the deepest way.
Most of us will do whatever it takes to obtain that kind of love. We put on a cheerful face, we blend in, we keep up with trends, cake the makeup on our faces, we let people walk all over us... all because we long to fit in somewhere, to be accepted by society, and to be loved unconditionally.
That's why I believe many people endure emotional or physical abuse by someone close to them, because it's so hard to let go of them and be done with them. There is something in peoples' minds that says, "They're not perfect, I'll keep giving them chances" even though they might never change. They would rather endure the pain of the abuse and keep them around, than potentially finding solace in being alone. All for the sake of "love."
That's why I believe that many suffer from depression. If we are not loved enough, either by enough people or enough from at least one person, we feel our self-worth crumbling under our feet like an avalanche. We crave each others' attention. We desire affirmation constantly. If we do not get what we want, we over-evaluate ourselves. "What's wrong with me?" "Why does no one laugh at my jokes?" "I only got 1 like on my status while she got 30 on hers." Etc, etc. All to be affirmed and to be loved.
That's why I think a lot of us suffer from anxiety. We are always afraid something will go wrong, that the part of us we don't want to see will come out and be exposed. We're afraid of ridicule, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of not being accepted. All for the sake of wanting to be loved and adored.
That's why I think people have the nerve to commit suicide. This is a touchy subject, but I want to dive into it anyway... People don't feel accepted, loved, desired, so they end their lives to escape the pain. Sometimes, there are times where things happen that are incredibly bad that we can't give an explanation for. Let me just say something...
IT. IS. NEVER. WORTH. IT. EVER.
Friends, let me tell you that there is ALWAYS hope in life. I know this because I have experienced it firsthand. Jesus Christ has given me that hope during any kind of suffering I'm experiencing. I'm not claiming to be "better" than anyone else because I've accepted Him as my Savior and leader of my life. I do not even claim that my life is all daisies and sunshine, because believe me, it's not at all - I've gone through so much crap in my life because of me being a Christian. That doesn't make sense to a lot of people. So then, you may be led to ask, why are you a Christian then, if the pain could be eliminated by not being one, by not following Him? Even if you aren't personally suffering, what about the world around us? God doesn't seem to care. What then?
Because, friends, the pain is worth it all. God does care, more than we can ever believe. So much so that He sent His Son Jesus to earth. He suffered and died for all the wrongs I've done and have yet to do, all my mistakes, all the pain I've personally caused others. He rose from the grave because He desires for everyone to come to Him, rest in His love and mercy, and follow Him. He desires relationship with us just as much as we desire relationship with others, but not because He needs us. He desires relationship with us, simply because He created us and loves us. I know I am loved and accepted as His own because I have accepted Him. At the same time, I know I could never have accepted Him if He had not "chosen" me and pursued me first. If He suffered for my sins and my wrongdoings because He loved me, why can't I suffer for His sake? He endured every kind of pain possible, so He understands and sympathizes with us completely.
Take the story of Job in the Bible. ALL of his possessions were destroyed, his children were all killed, his own health was gone. All because God let Satan test Job, because Satan thought Job followed God because of all the earthly blessings He gave Job. Job didn't do anything wrong; he was a righteous man who feared and loved God. So... Why was he suffering this much? We get to know why, but he never got those answers for himself. Instead, God questioned him: "Did you create the earth and the heavens? Do YOU know how things work? etc."
Sounds intimidating, right?
It was, because Job repented of his doubtfulness of God, and his health and family and possessions were all restored to him. Despite his doubts, he never cursed God; he remained faithful in following God.
You know, I may not understand why certain things happen, but do I have to know? Am I the Creator of the Universe? Do I have the power to control the weather or the earth? Do I know all the answers to the way things work? The answer to all of these questions is: no! In a sense, God doesn't have to answer me, yet despite that He desires to give us comfort and pursues relationship with us. All things work together for good for those who love and serve Him (Romans 8:28). Even if we never experience that or see it come to pass in our lifetime, God is ALWAYS good, and He always works things out to bring about His bigger and even better plan.
THIS is why I still continue to follow Christ. In the midst of trials, He gives me peace in the storm. He gives me rest in the midst of the craziness. He gives me love in the midst of heartache.
Please, if you don't know Christ personally, or if you're really not sure about following Him, or even if it's worth it, please feel free to message me, call me, text me, etc. I wish you could all experience this great love and mercy that I have experienced, and I know you can.
Please, please know this also: there is always hope, even in the darkest times of our lives. You are always loved, even if you don't feel it. You are desired, even if you don't see it.
[A side note: I understand some of these things people suffer from are actually medical conditions and that sometimes it can't be helped. I do think, though, that some of the problem is in how we think and what we believe. Also, I would love to share my stories with any of you if you want to talk and discuss depression or anxiety.]
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Which is better?
Being at a Christian university has its perks, and sometimes it has its struggles. I won't deny that. There's always this pressure to find "The One" on campus within the 4 years that you study there. I have a firm belief that at least 8/10 freshmen girls are scouting for their "One" starting on day 1. My heart aches for those girls, because I know what it's like to feel that pressure. However, my one serious relationship has not come from finding someone at the Christian university that I attend.
After two years of being in a serious relationship with someone, I had started being asked the same question over and over again: "SO, when are YOU getting married?" with a sly smile on their face. I would always shrug. Because I honestly didn't have a clue.
As for someone who was that far along in a relationship, that question was so hard for me to answer and to be asked. Now that I'm single, it's even harder because the prospect of marriage seems so far away. There is no certainty about anything, no prospects. Which is honestly kind of refreshing... I could literally do anything now; I don't need to think about another person and what they would want me to do. All I have to think about is myself. I have nothing and no one holding me back from doing what I want to do. Even if that seems a bit selfish of me, it's nice to have that option now. Yet, it still bothers me to an extent that I am single, because that's what is expected of me; to my peers and all those older than me, I'm supposed to graduate college, get a good career going, get married soon after, have babies, and help manage a household full of people (all in that order). If we break up with someone, we are consoled with the statement, "Oh well, there are other fish in the sea!", etc. (And there is nothing wrong with that statement, mind you, it's kind of a relief to hear that.)
My big question is: why has Christian society glorified marriage over singleness for the young woman? Yes, marriage is a wonderful thing, when two people come together to work together and glorify God with their relationship and to bring up children and to help each other grow in their walk with Christ. All that good stuff.
But that seems to be the only thing the young twenty-something Christian woman is expected to do anymore. And it bothers me.
I don't think guys have as much of a problem with it as girls do; yes, I know y'all have your own problems/questions being asked of you (more related to your degree/job).
I have to wonder about Paul in the New Testament: I know he was a man, but did he ever feel discontent with his singleness? If he was, we don't know about it, because he discussed how content he was with being unmarried in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8, yet in verse 9, he does give the married people a break because not everyone was content with being unmarried and they "burned with passion." Also in Philippians, he states that he has learned to be content in whatever circumstance he is in (4:11-12). We should be thinking like this, too.
We don't often hear about how singleness is a good thing, and I think it's because it makes us feel uncomfortable. Of course we all want to find someone to love unconditionally that loves us in return. Almost no one (that I know of) likes the thought of living alone for the rest of their lives. And with the sex-crazed culture we live in today, it's even harder to stay single AND celibate when sex is being shoved down our throats.
With all this said, I am all in favor of marriage. I hope to one day get married and have a family of my own and have my own house to decorate and a wedding to plan. Right now, though, I want to live my life to the fullest as a single young woman. I want to be a light to others in how I live and work, even in the little things.
I haven't written on here in a while, and I hope I can start doing that again, because I've missed it. I hope I have encouraged someone by what I write, like always.
With much love,
Lauren
Saturday, February 15, 2014
The Lovey Dovey Holiday.
I pulled up into the Walmart parking lot this past Thursday evening, hoping to get some supplies for making my own Valentines at home. I regretted it immediately. Valentine's had thrown up all over the store. So many people crowded around the holiday section. Red, pink, and white hearts were everywhere. Men standing in lines with flowers, chocolates, and/or cards. The looks on some of their faces matched that of Katniss Everdeen's in the elevator scene in Catching Fire. (If you have no idea what you're talking about, look it up on YouTube.)
Walmart wasn't the only store like this. I went in to Harp's yesterday (Friday) morning to get some more things, and flowers and balloons were everywhere. Candy and chocolate were in huge bins all over the front of the store.
I also read in JBU's Threefold Advocate newspaper some statistics about Valentine's day. One in particular caught my eye: 53% of women would break off the relationship with their significant other if they didn't receive anything for Valentine's day. That. Is. Ridiculous.
Why did Valentine's day have to become so materialistic? Since when did flowers, candy, and a card become the standard Valentine's gift for women? When did it become all about us in receiving gifts and having the ultimate lovey dovey night with a boyfriend or girlfriend? While I do appreciate getting that special time with my boyfriend, wasn't Valentine's day meant to be for something a little deeper than that?
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Valentine's day. I loved it even before my boyfriend and I started dating. I hear my single friends cringe as the day draws near every year. I remember what it was like to be single on that day, but I was never terribly bitter about not having a boyfriend. I always had fun with friends that day, whether it was a party or just hanging out, I dressed up in red and did my hair a little nicer, I exchanged silly valentines with my friends... I always seemed to have a really good day despite me being single. So, to all the single ladies and gents out there: it IS possible to really love Valentine's day as a single person.
Something that I've had to learn over past couple of years is that it brings me more joy to give to others than it is to get anything. That is something that God has worked through me on, and I am grateful that He has. I've figured out just recently that love languages are SUPER important; of course they show love to other people (duh), but it shows people that you care about them in some little way. I've also discovered that some people have different love languages that they like to give others, and ones that they would rather receive than give. For me, my 2 love languages that I love to give to others is acts of service and gifts. Both of them seem to go hand-in-hand. I know I have a problem with spending my money too quickly. Sometimes it's for something I want/like, but some of the time, it's because I see something my friends would like or that I could make for them, and so I put my money towards whatever that is to give it to them. I am also always asking what I could be doing for other people, because to me personally, it shows that I am willing to put time and effort into doing something that they need someone to do or want someone to do for them. It's interesting, because even though I really like giving those love languages towards other people, those really aren't my top ones that I'd like for people to give to me. Everyone is different, though.
So, I guess here's a tip: Learn one or two of your top love languages that you like to give towards others, and then do something about it! I know that when I do things/give things to others, it gives me great happiness and joy, and I feel like I've made a small impact in someone's life. This enables you, sometimes forces you to not think about yourself, and instead think of other people.
Because that's what Valentine's day is REALLY supposed to be about: letting others know how much you care about them and how much they mean to you.
This reflects Christ's character completely! He came not to be served but to serve others. Philippians 2 explains in detail how Christ was a servant. In v. 3-4, it says:
3 Do nothing [c]from [d]selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
We as Christ's followers ought to act with humility towards each other and look out for others' needs. Paul continues in v. 5-#:
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Christ became a man, wrapped in pathetic, fallen flesh, to empty Himself and humble Himself by dying on the cross so that we might have a relationship with Him forever and be able to have communion with God. This is the perfect picture of a servant: expecting nothing in return when making the ultimate sacrifice for those He loves. How wonderful is that?!
I hope that you have gained somewhat of a better perspective on Valentine's day. I hope that you learn to love it like I have. Let us give to each other and love one another, as He loves us. Let us draw near to Jesus and His love and mercy. Let us rest in that fact.
Walmart wasn't the only store like this. I went in to Harp's yesterday (Friday) morning to get some more things, and flowers and balloons were everywhere. Candy and chocolate were in huge bins all over the front of the store.
I also read in JBU's Threefold Advocate newspaper some statistics about Valentine's day. One in particular caught my eye: 53% of women would break off the relationship with their significant other if they didn't receive anything for Valentine's day. That. Is. Ridiculous.
Why did Valentine's day have to become so materialistic? Since when did flowers, candy, and a card become the standard Valentine's gift for women? When did it become all about us in receiving gifts and having the ultimate lovey dovey night with a boyfriend or girlfriend? While I do appreciate getting that special time with my boyfriend, wasn't Valentine's day meant to be for something a little deeper than that?
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Valentine's day. I loved it even before my boyfriend and I started dating. I hear my single friends cringe as the day draws near every year. I remember what it was like to be single on that day, but I was never terribly bitter about not having a boyfriend. I always had fun with friends that day, whether it was a party or just hanging out, I dressed up in red and did my hair a little nicer, I exchanged silly valentines with my friends... I always seemed to have a really good day despite me being single. So, to all the single ladies and gents out there: it IS possible to really love Valentine's day as a single person.
Something that I've had to learn over past couple of years is that it brings me more joy to give to others than it is to get anything. That is something that God has worked through me on, and I am grateful that He has. I've figured out just recently that love languages are SUPER important; of course they show love to other people (duh), but it shows people that you care about them in some little way. I've also discovered that some people have different love languages that they like to give others, and ones that they would rather receive than give. For me, my 2 love languages that I love to give to others is acts of service and gifts. Both of them seem to go hand-in-hand. I know I have a problem with spending my money too quickly. Sometimes it's for something I want/like, but some of the time, it's because I see something my friends would like or that I could make for them, and so I put my money towards whatever that is to give it to them. I am also always asking what I could be doing for other people, because to me personally, it shows that I am willing to put time and effort into doing something that they need someone to do or want someone to do for them. It's interesting, because even though I really like giving those love languages towards other people, those really aren't my top ones that I'd like for people to give to me. Everyone is different, though.
So, I guess here's a tip: Learn one or two of your top love languages that you like to give towards others, and then do something about it! I know that when I do things/give things to others, it gives me great happiness and joy, and I feel like I've made a small impact in someone's life. This enables you, sometimes forces you to not think about yourself, and instead think of other people.
Because that's what Valentine's day is REALLY supposed to be about: letting others know how much you care about them and how much they mean to you.
This reflects Christ's character completely! He came not to be served but to serve others. Philippians 2 explains in detail how Christ was a servant. In v. 3-4, it says:
3 Do nothing [c]from [d]selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
We as Christ's followers ought to act with humility towards each other and look out for others' needs. Paul continues in v. 5-#:
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Christ became a man, wrapped in pathetic, fallen flesh, to empty Himself and humble Himself by dying on the cross so that we might have a relationship with Him forever and be able to have communion with God. This is the perfect picture of a servant: expecting nothing in return when making the ultimate sacrifice for those He loves. How wonderful is that?!
I hope that you have gained somewhat of a better perspective on Valentine's day. I hope that you learn to love it like I have. Let us give to each other and love one another, as He loves us. Let us draw near to Jesus and His love and mercy. Let us rest in that fact.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Confessions of a People-Pleasing Control Freak
I have now reached the point in my college career where I have heard the repulsive, infamous question more times than I care to count or recall. I figure you can guess what that question would be, but in case you don't know, it's the one everyone in college (especially juniors and seniors) hear and is struck with fear: "So, what's next after graduation?"
I've given into telling a couple of people that I'll probably just go eat a nice meal with my family.
But really, in all seriousness, I give so many different answers to this question depending on the person. "Oh, I'll probably teach private lessons." "I'm really interested in directing a children's choir." "I want to record my own music." "I just really want to work with people." All of these answers are legitimate, because they're all things I would be interested in. Yet, there's something tugging at my chest every time I give someone an answer to that question. It's like none of those things are good enough.
What's sad is, I can't even tell whether it's not good enough for me or good enough for others.
I thrive off of pleasing other people. I am very well aware that this isn't anything new; many people I know are also people pleasers. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't seem to think for myself in anything. I feed off of it like a vulture at a carcass. Gross picture, but it makes a point. It's bad for me, but yet, it makes me feel worth something to know that people are happy with me, my accomplishments, etc. The worst feeling in the world is someone being disappointed in me, for anything.
Maybe it's because at one point in time, in middle school, I didn't please anyone with my presence. Now, family was an exception, but you start to feel alone when no one will claim you as a friend at school or at church. I also haven't stayed at a church longer than 2 years at a time within the past 8 years or so. Being homeschooled from middle school on, I've had so many friends come and go in my life. Besides my family and my boyfriend, no one has stayed in my life longer than 3 years since early junior high school.
That's another reason I'm terrified of what's going to happen after graduation: my friends I've made here. I won't see them on a regular basis like I do now, if ever. The friend group I have right now has been together since first semester freshman year, and while we love each other, it's getting harder and harder to spend any time with each other. Each of us is moving on to another part of our lives. I find myself a wreck just trying to "make them" stay in my life, just because they've been my closest friends the longest out of so many in the past 8 years. I'm just now starting to develop meaningful relationships within the music department, and I'll be graduating in about 10 months. I'll be leaving, yet again. I would say that about 90% of my dreams lately have been me wandering around (a different place every time), looking for home, looking for someone (either my boyfriend or family), or looking for where I'm supposed to be (and it's different in every dream). Every dream ends abruptly with my alarm going off, and I never reach my destination, leaving me heavyhearted some mornings.
Is that what life is all about? Leaving, arriving, settling down somewhere, only to leave again and start all over? I mean I know we're not meant to live comfortably but c'mon. Can't I just be somewhere and STAY there? Can't I have control of all -- I mean, most of my life? I know God should be in the picture somewhere, but why would He care about my meaningless life?
Yet, He cares even more than I do. He knows everything. Every single dot and intricate detail of my pathetic, sinful life and being. And yet, He still chooses me daily.
Every time I happen to think of this truth, I shake my head ferociously. Why? I am the least bit deserving out of anybody I know.
Every night when I think of this question, I read through Scripture and see all of the countless stories of people just like me. HUGE screw ups. .....God still worked through them, sometimes brought them to Himself and revealed Himself to them. Every story is tied together into a huge story that's all about God. Everything is for His purpose and His glory. He sure as heck doesn't need us to get the job done, but He chooses to. He CHOOSES US. And despite our failures every single day, His promises have been and will always be kept.
Even when things around us change, He never does. His plans are never thwarted. Nothing surprises Him. Even when I literally scream into my pillow and throw it across my room in anger at Him or myself, He doesn't give up on me. He's still working in me, through me. Slowly but surely, I'll be like Him in more ways than I could possibly imagine.
I've drifted off to sleep so many times with no words to speak to God. I feel so inadequate when it comes to praying. (I mean really, I'm either having internal battles with myself or I'm talking out loud to the air, so it seems.) He knows my heart's deepest longings, my biggest fears, my "what ifs". God is the great weight-lifter. I have to pry my fingers off of my plans, my dreams, & my fears and relinquish them to Him first though.
It's so hard to wait when you're a control freak, though. I know the answers will come when they're supposed to. It's such a cliche' thing to say, but it's cliche' because it's completely true.
He'll always be there waiting when I'm ready to tuck my tail in and come back to Him. Thank you, Lord! May I never forget Your love and goodness.
I've given into telling a couple of people that I'll probably just go eat a nice meal with my family.
But really, in all seriousness, I give so many different answers to this question depending on the person. "Oh, I'll probably teach private lessons." "I'm really interested in directing a children's choir." "I want to record my own music." "I just really want to work with people." All of these answers are legitimate, because they're all things I would be interested in. Yet, there's something tugging at my chest every time I give someone an answer to that question. It's like none of those things are good enough.
What's sad is, I can't even tell whether it's not good enough for me or good enough for others.
I thrive off of pleasing other people. I am very well aware that this isn't anything new; many people I know are also people pleasers. However, it's gotten to the point where I can't seem to think for myself in anything. I feed off of it like a vulture at a carcass. Gross picture, but it makes a point. It's bad for me, but yet, it makes me feel worth something to know that people are happy with me, my accomplishments, etc. The worst feeling in the world is someone being disappointed in me, for anything.
Maybe it's because at one point in time, in middle school, I didn't please anyone with my presence. Now, family was an exception, but you start to feel alone when no one will claim you as a friend at school or at church. I also haven't stayed at a church longer than 2 years at a time within the past 8 years or so. Being homeschooled from middle school on, I've had so many friends come and go in my life. Besides my family and my boyfriend, no one has stayed in my life longer than 3 years since early junior high school.
That's another reason I'm terrified of what's going to happen after graduation: my friends I've made here. I won't see them on a regular basis like I do now, if ever. The friend group I have right now has been together since first semester freshman year, and while we love each other, it's getting harder and harder to spend any time with each other. Each of us is moving on to another part of our lives. I find myself a wreck just trying to "make them" stay in my life, just because they've been my closest friends the longest out of so many in the past 8 years. I'm just now starting to develop meaningful relationships within the music department, and I'll be graduating in about 10 months. I'll be leaving, yet again. I would say that about 90% of my dreams lately have been me wandering around (a different place every time), looking for home, looking for someone (either my boyfriend or family), or looking for where I'm supposed to be (and it's different in every dream). Every dream ends abruptly with my alarm going off, and I never reach my destination, leaving me heavyhearted some mornings.
Is that what life is all about? Leaving, arriving, settling down somewhere, only to leave again and start all over? I mean I know we're not meant to live comfortably but c'mon. Can't I just be somewhere and STAY there? Can't I have control of all -- I mean, most of my life? I know God should be in the picture somewhere, but why would He care about my meaningless life?
Yet, He cares even more than I do. He knows everything. Every single dot and intricate detail of my pathetic, sinful life and being. And yet, He still chooses me daily.
Every time I happen to think of this truth, I shake my head ferociously. Why? I am the least bit deserving out of anybody I know.
Every night when I think of this question, I read through Scripture and see all of the countless stories of people just like me. HUGE screw ups. .....God still worked through them, sometimes brought them to Himself and revealed Himself to them. Every story is tied together into a huge story that's all about God. Everything is for His purpose and His glory. He sure as heck doesn't need us to get the job done, but He chooses to. He CHOOSES US. And despite our failures every single day, His promises have been and will always be kept.
Even when things around us change, He never does. His plans are never thwarted. Nothing surprises Him. Even when I literally scream into my pillow and throw it across my room in anger at Him or myself, He doesn't give up on me. He's still working in me, through me. Slowly but surely, I'll be like Him in more ways than I could possibly imagine.
I've drifted off to sleep so many times with no words to speak to God. I feel so inadequate when it comes to praying. (I mean really, I'm either having internal battles with myself or I'm talking out loud to the air, so it seems.) He knows my heart's deepest longings, my biggest fears, my "what ifs". God is the great weight-lifter. I have to pry my fingers off of my plans, my dreams, & my fears and relinquish them to Him first though.
It's so hard to wait when you're a control freak, though. I know the answers will come when they're supposed to. It's such a cliche' thing to say, but it's cliche' because it's completely true.
He'll always be there waiting when I'm ready to tuck my tail in and come back to Him. Thank you, Lord! May I never forget Your love and goodness.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Bury Them in a Hole.
The other day, I realized that we had 1 week until Thanksgiving Day. Which means that we had 3 weeks until Candlelight services at JBU. Which means the week after that is finals week.
After this semester ends, I will have exactly a year left until I graduate college.
This makes me want to scream for joy and fear at the same time. There's a part of me that feels like I have so much left to do while I'm in this season of my life. I feel like I have so much more to learn, so much left to participate in, so much left of me to pour into my friends. And yet, I feel convicted. I haven't been spending a whole lot of time with my friends lately. I know everyone's lives start going crazy towards the end of the semester, but yet I feel so out of touch with them. I had dinner with a few of them the other night and realized that some big stuff was going on with them, and I had no idea. At the same time, I am conflicted. How do I pour into my friends and keep up with boyfriend, family, homework/grades, and just keeping my room clean??
Sometimes I often wonder if I'm really making an impact in anyone's life. This is not an "I wish I mattered to people, oh woe is me" plug; this is a genuine concern that I have. What am I doing to leave the impression of Christ on someone's heart? Am I just simply living life day by day, just to get by or even to get ahead of others?
There are so many things I hear all the time about how we all need to do something incredible with our lives. Half of the people I notice around me are overachievers: tutoring, working out, involved in social groups, and keep straight A's while others just struggle to get by each day in just getting homework done. I look around me and feel like so many people have it all figured out, and at the same time have impacted so many people by the work they do. Me? I'm either stuck in my bedroom at home or in the first floor of the cathedral doing homework when I'm not in class. Is what I'm doing with my life right now completely meaningless? In the midst of all the craziness of my life, am I really pouring into my friends and other people I happen to meet? Am I "reaching my full potential"?
We had a guest speaker come speak to us in chapel the other day, and he spoke on not wasting your life. I saw the first slide of the powerpoint and thought, "Oh great, another charismatic speaker wanting us to go do something 'big' with our life." I've heard so many other speakers talk on this subject before, that I've just basically learned to listen through one ear and out the other with this subject.
This speaker was not charismatic. The man had never spoken in a second language (which to him was English) to an audience before. It terrified him. He told us that that wouldn't get in his way of doing what he knew he had to do.
He read and explained the parable of the talents in Matt. 25:14-30. The first two men were given several talents and used them to the best of their ability. They didn't know what was going to happen with them; all they knew was that they had been given a gift and that they needed to use them. The other third man hid his away. The reasons for why we can hide our talents and not use them are: we procrastinate, thinking that we'll have more time later; we have a wrong view of who God is, that we think He's an unloving harsh God who would smite us at the moment we fail; and/or we are fearful (which honestly ties into a wrong view of God). As the speaker explained these reasons, I felt a tug at my heart. I know I am guilty of all three of the above.
How do I fix this? The answer is that I can't do all of these things by myself. I would get so tired in trying. I have to let God work in me and through me. All I have to do is trust God to get me through, and He will.
Another question is: am I being passive in my living or am I actively living my life in the place I am called to? I have to be content with the fact that I AM in the place where I am supposed to be. But am I getting by in that place or am I an encouragement to my friends and classmates? Do I help others out with things they need help with? Do I make good, worthwhile conversation?
Sometimes, I feel like I'll have more time to do "important things" after I graduate, because then I can get a job in ministry, or be able to lead a group of young women in a Bible study, etc. I have to keep telling myself that life is not going to slow down anymore after graduation next fall. The time is NOW. If I keep putting things off until "later", they will never get done. I don't like procrastinating on homework, so why should I procrastinate in using my talents for His glory? Why should I be fearful in talking about Jesus with others when God has given me the love of meeting new people? Why am I afraid to share the Gospel with others when God has given me all the answers in His word? I have nothing to be afraid of. I have all the answers and the entire message that I need to share. I DO have time.
We are the light of the world. We also have a very short time here on earth. What are going to do with that time? Obedience that is delayed is still disobedience. Friends, let us not live life passively. Let's not bury our gifts in a hole so that they are never used. Whatever we do, let's do it for His glory.
Let's make His name known with the talents HE has given us.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Peace in Thunderstorms.
I scurried through the pouring rain, scuffing large puddles of water and thus drenching my shoes and socks. I at least brought my rain jacket, but didn't think to zip it up. You guessed it, there was a big wet spot on the top of my shirt. As if I didn't already feel less-than-pretty, I came into the Cathedral feeling and looking like a wet rat.
Despite this unpleasant experience, I enjoy the thunder and rain. If I were still in my pajamas at home, sipping a cup of coffee/tea/cider by candlelight, then I would be in heaven. There's a certain feeling I get whenever I watch or listen to a thunderstorm. There's this unsettling anxiety about the thunder and lightning, but peace with the rain. Often, though, the thunder and the rain happen simultaneously. How is it that I have peace AND fear inside of me at the same time?
I think this ties in very well with life. Thunderstorms are inevitable, and you can't ignore them. They demand attention. With lightning strikes filling up the sky with light and majesty, the thunder that accompanies it roars with authority. There are many instances of thunder & lightning in my life: not knowing what's going to happen after I graduate next December, not knowing how to balance my school life and social life completely, not knowing if I'll be able to make enough money to provide for myself, making my friends and boyfriend angry or offended, not gaining the approval of my professors, not knowing whether I have a food allergy or what, and not knowing whether I'll live or die another day (and yes, that is a fear of mine). Those are only a FEW. These are all things that make me feel unsettled to say the least.
There are others out there that have bigger thunder & lightning things to deal with: a man without a job, a woman that is not able to have biological children, a grandmother that has alzheimer's, a young lady dealing with depression and despair, a man struggling to find his sexual identity. These are only a few instances; there are many others that demand your complete attention and strike so much fear into your heart and mind.
These are events and sometimes seasons of life that you feel like you can't bear on your own. You need help, you need rest.
I can also see thunder & lightning as a parallel to one half of God's character. His holiness and awesomeness demands attention; it does (or should make you) unsettled and somewhat fearful. Sometimes, He is unpredictable and surprises you with things. He is transcendent, ruler over all creation.
But there is another half, another side of God: one that brings a gentle rain to water the earth. He cares for His children and helps carry them through the bumps and pits of life. He brings about the ultimate good. He is immanent with and actively involved in His creation.
We will also have seasons or events of life that are pleasant, easy-going like the rain. We find love in another friend, an incredible need is met, an answer to prayer is given, and contentment with where you are.
We need the seasons of rain, but we also need the seasons of thunder & lightning alongside of the rain. A lot of the time, you can jump into something and not know what's going to happen. Despite the fear that accompanies that, you can have peace knowing that everything will turn out okay in the end. We need the thunder & lightning seasons so we can be challenged and grow more than we ever could have without it. Of course we need the seasons of gentle rain to rest from those challenges and grow in our walk with the Lord in that way.
"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven - ...
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance ... He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." - Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3-4, 11.
We don't always have to know why things happen. God just requires that we trust Him.
Despite this unpleasant experience, I enjoy the thunder and rain. If I were still in my pajamas at home, sipping a cup of coffee/tea/cider by candlelight, then I would be in heaven. There's a certain feeling I get whenever I watch or listen to a thunderstorm. There's this unsettling anxiety about the thunder and lightning, but peace with the rain. Often, though, the thunder and the rain happen simultaneously. How is it that I have peace AND fear inside of me at the same time?
I think this ties in very well with life. Thunderstorms are inevitable, and you can't ignore them. They demand attention. With lightning strikes filling up the sky with light and majesty, the thunder that accompanies it roars with authority. There are many instances of thunder & lightning in my life: not knowing what's going to happen after I graduate next December, not knowing how to balance my school life and social life completely, not knowing if I'll be able to make enough money to provide for myself, making my friends and boyfriend angry or offended, not gaining the approval of my professors, not knowing whether I have a food allergy or what, and not knowing whether I'll live or die another day (and yes, that is a fear of mine). Those are only a FEW. These are all things that make me feel unsettled to say the least.
There are others out there that have bigger thunder & lightning things to deal with: a man without a job, a woman that is not able to have biological children, a grandmother that has alzheimer's, a young lady dealing with depression and despair, a man struggling to find his sexual identity. These are only a few instances; there are many others that demand your complete attention and strike so much fear into your heart and mind.
These are events and sometimes seasons of life that you feel like you can't bear on your own. You need help, you need rest.
I can also see thunder & lightning as a parallel to one half of God's character. His holiness and awesomeness demands attention; it does (or should make you) unsettled and somewhat fearful. Sometimes, He is unpredictable and surprises you with things. He is transcendent, ruler over all creation.
But there is another half, another side of God: one that brings a gentle rain to water the earth. He cares for His children and helps carry them through the bumps and pits of life. He brings about the ultimate good. He is immanent with and actively involved in His creation.
We will also have seasons or events of life that are pleasant, easy-going like the rain. We find love in another friend, an incredible need is met, an answer to prayer is given, and contentment with where you are.
We need the seasons of rain, but we also need the seasons of thunder & lightning alongside of the rain. A lot of the time, you can jump into something and not know what's going to happen. Despite the fear that accompanies that, you can have peace knowing that everything will turn out okay in the end. We need the thunder & lightning seasons so we can be challenged and grow more than we ever could have without it. Of course we need the seasons of gentle rain to rest from those challenges and grow in our walk with the Lord in that way.
"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven - ...
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance ... He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." - Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3-4, 11.
We don't always have to know why things happen. God just requires that we trust Him.
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