Every year towards New Year's Eve for the past few years, I have written a note on my Facebook page that reflects on the year's events, thoughts, and lessons learned. I'm writing my first blog post on it a few days early this year, just because I have the time right now and don't know if I will later. (You might wanna grab some popcorn or do some stretches, because you may be here a while -- IF you decide to read all of it! If you do, I applaud you and hold you in the highest respect.)
This was the year where there were so many weather oddities, it was ridiculous. First of all, in February, we had 2 feet of snow fall in at least a 12 hour period. That was a lot of fun to play in, but the "playing" usually consisted of me falling backwards into the depths of the icy powdery stuff and my sister and I throwing armfuls on top of each other's heads. In April, we had all of the major flooding in AR. We also had the various earthquakes this semester. Before this year, I had never felt an earthquake, and I felt at least 2 or 3 this fall alone!
The middle of February, we had to say goodbye to our 7 year old beagle, Bogey. We had found out in November 2010 that he had prostate cancer, and that he might not survive past Christmas. He managed to pull through, but he got much worse in the following month. Finally, my parents and Lindsey had to travel far away for a cheer competition, and I was going to be the only one at my house that weekend. With him becoming worse and worse with each day, the Tuesday night before, we all made the toughest decision we've had to make: we decided to put him down the next morning. Words can't describe the pain and grief that we all felt that week. The next morning, he was as happy as could be, but very weak. With tears in our eyes, we said our last goodbyes, and then my parents took him. I didn't want to do anything that week. I was absolutely heartbroken. I guess I was so grief-stricken, because I knew I would never get to scratch behind his soft ears again. I would never hear that beagle howling from him whenever there was food on the table that he wanted. I would never be able to hug him, cry on him, tell him all of my problems.
He was my best friend in the period of my life when I pretty much had nobody to talk to. And I would never see him or touch him ever again.
My parents came home, and they said he went as painless as possible. He would never hurt again. But he was gone, and he would never come back. There were 2 options, they told us. We could either cremate him, or there was a pet cemetery we could bury him at. We couldn't stand the thought of him being cremated even though he was dead, so we had him buried in the pet cemetery in Bentonville. You may laugh that we did that, but until you know that strong bond between a dog and their owners, you'll never understand. He was part of our family.
I made a plethora of new friends, partly from taking classes at Ecclesia College for concurrent credit and from my fellow homeschooled graduating seniors that I met at the graduation-planning meetings at the Fedosky's house. I have made some lifelong friendships with quite a few of the people that I graduated with, but sadly, there were quite a few people that I haven't kept up with and haven't talked to since the end of senior year. I always wonder what would've happened if I would've taken the time to keep up with those friends; some of them I really don't even know what they're doing right now or how they're doing.
Graduation came and went, just like that. It was beautiful; I gave one of the speeches that day, and I felt like that was a huge milestone in my life, because it brought me confidence in myself, which is something new to me (because I had no confidence it seemed like). That day, I ended one huge chapter of my life and started a new one. This summer was one of the best ones of my life; I feel like I say that with every new summer, but it really was. We hosted a worldviews study at our house every Tuesday afternoon, and when we were done, we would all go out to my huge backyard and play ultimate frisbee until we were utterly exhausted!
I also got into my first real relationship this summer. You may be wondering, "Is she really going to tell us about this?" Well, yes I am, but not everything. To put it simply, we really liked each other, and it seemed perfect, except for that we both knew it was going to be tough, because it would've been a long distance relationship. At first, though, we were both willing to work at it. Then, a few days before he left for college, things kinda just fell apart, and we both realized that it wouldn't work out after all. I knew it was for the best for both of us, but it was so extremely tough all the same. We're still good friends, and I like it that way. We both learned something and both grew from it. That was one of the toughest things I had to learn this year: let it go. Not just for this relationship, but for pretty much everything: my dreams, plans, you name it. Let go, and let God. There was a quote from one of my favorite fiction series (the Christy Miller series) where one of the main characters was talking to another one of the main characters on the phone, and he told her, "Sometimes the test of true love for a friend, is not to hold on to them tighter, but to let them go. Sometimes letting go is letting God take control and letting Him do what He's been trying to do all along." I had to really think long and hard about that one, and the great part about all of it, is that it drove me to my knees every time.
I also learned that sometimes God uses things or allows things to happen that are hard, in order that we might be drawn back to His side. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's necessary that we learn it that way.
Starting college was also really hard. I applaud those who have the gift of adaptability, because I do NOT. At all. Change is change; even if it's good change, it's still change. I don't function very well when change happens. I am a VERY routine person, which can be a good thing, but it is also definitely a curse. I like spontaneousness sometimes, like when plans for hanging out with friends change. But when it's something major... Phew. I kinda lose it... Another lesson I had to learn: go ahead and make plans, but always expect them to be changed. God tends to completely change things at times. That's another thing that's also driven me to my knees in prayer.
It took almost half of the semester for me to find a core group of friends at JBU, but I'm SO glad I've found them. I really have no idea what I would do without them in my life! And I thank God every day for not only them, but for everyone else I run into, on and off campus.
I also tried out for a singer/songwriter competition called The Next Big Thing at JBU. I didn't think I'd make it, but somehow, God decided that He wanted me to be a finalist, even though I was only a freshman who's probably the least confident and the least qualified. But I'm sure glad He said "yes" to that, and I'm going to try my hardest to write/sing/perform for His glory!
Being home for break has been really good for me, too. Even though I still live at and commute from my house in Springdale to JBU every day, it's given me an appreciation for staying at home and spending time with family. Before this semester, I NEVER wanted to stay at home. Now, I've been grateful for lots of sleep and rest for one, but also just getting to hang out with my family, to go to dinner with them somewhere or to stay home and watch a movie with them.
Probably the biggest lesson I've learned this year is a familiar one (and a bit of a cliched one, too): don't judge a book by its cover. Ohhh my goodness. It's so interesting how some of the friends I thought I was going to keep, I didn't, and the people that I never thought I would be close to, became the people I've come to trust the most and love the most. I've met some people at JBU that I would trust my whole life to. There are also others that I am still very cautious of. And then there are all those other people that I have yet to have the privilege of getting to know. :)
So many lessons learned this year. So many hard times, yet so many good things. And yet, I'm grateful for every single one of these things that God has put into my life. He is continuing to shape me into who He wants me to be, even though I still have a long way to go. I cannot wait to see what the next year has in store for me! Here's to 2012: bring it on!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Short & Sweet ('Cause It's Late)
I don't know what specifically God has in mind for my life, but I feel called to ministry in some way. As to what specifically that is, I have absolutely no idea...
Tonight as I was chatting on Skype with my friends, Shane and Alisha, we were discussing some deep stuff, and I happened to pop this question: "Do you ever feel called to do something but feel like the least qualified person to do it?"
Alisha gave a resounding, "Yes!" which made me feel better, since those have been my feelings for the past few weeks.
Shane, in response, said:
"I don't actually. I trust that God will do his work whether I'm good or not so I just kinda... do it. Whether I think I can or not is not important becuase if God wants it done, it will be done."
...Blew my mind. 'Cause he's right.
In short, we shouldn't be worried about whether we are qualified to do something or aren't. I honestly can't remember who said this, but it's one of my absolute favorite quotes:
"God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called."
This should cause me to breathe a sigh of relief, because I sure as heck don't feel qualified to do a lot of things that I feel called to.
To close my very short post (compared to my other ones), I remembered 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, in which Paul says,
"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Tonight as I was chatting on Skype with my friends, Shane and Alisha, we were discussing some deep stuff, and I happened to pop this question: "Do you ever feel called to do something but feel like the least qualified person to do it?"
Alisha gave a resounding, "Yes!" which made me feel better, since those have been my feelings for the past few weeks.
Shane, in response, said:
"I don't actually. I trust that God will do his work whether I'm good or not so I just kinda... do it. Whether I think I can or not is not important becuase if God wants it done, it will be done."
...Blew my mind. 'Cause he's right.
In short, we shouldn't be worried about whether we are qualified to do something or aren't. I honestly can't remember who said this, but it's one of my absolute favorite quotes:
"God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called."
This should cause me to breathe a sigh of relief, because I sure as heck don't feel qualified to do a lot of things that I feel called to.
To close my very short post (compared to my other ones), I remembered 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, in which Paul says,
"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Friday, December 23, 2011
Thoughts about loneliness...
I've been reading Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot for the past week or so since I've had the time to do some "fun" reading. I had heard lots of good things about it, and I had bought it a while ago, but hadn't gotten the chance to read it, so I picked it up one night and started reading.
It's amazing how close to home Elisabeth Elliot hits with what she says. Another one of my friends said about her, "I love how direct and unapologetic she is." I also wonder sometimes if she has read my mind or heard my heart, because she echos so many of my questions and thought processes in her book.
There was one quote from a chapter that really smacked me in the face, which says,
"Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."
I remembered James 1:2-4, which pretty much says the same thing, saying that trials that we go through produces steadfastness, which helps us in the sanctification process (although you really should look up the verses and read them for yourself; James is one of my absolute favorite books!)
I guess it was one of those things that I had thought about, but I never fully understood that even something so small a problem and yet so big of one as loneliness is still a trial. I know I never thought about it as being one. Trials to me usually meant that you were dealing with a major health problem or that you were being persecuted for your faith. And those ARE trials. However, even the little things can be and can become a major problem and need to be dealt with.
What I've learned about loneliness this semester is this: I am most lonely when I've barely taken a thought about God. It is when I get so caught up in my own problems and what I can do to fix things and what I don't have that I get unsatisfied with where I am in life, who I'm with, what I'm doing, EVERYTHING. Then everything seems to fall apart again. But it's SUCH a good thing it happens, and I'm so grateful for it. Wanna know why?
1. It drives me to my knees in prayer, which in turn...
2. Leads me back to the cross and to Christ's waiting arms of love.
Christ is always there, ready and waiting for me to run back to Him. Even when I've dug myself into such a deep hole that I feel like I can't climb back out, He's got a rope, a ladder, whatever it takes to pull me back up out of the pit and back to Him again.
Funny thing about loneliness is, I always bring it upon myself, in a way. Since Christ is always there, it is ALWAYS me. I am the one who inches farther away from His side to see if I can do things my way for a change. Guess what? It never works out.
So, the question of the century: why do I keep running away?
Because, ladies and gents, I am a sinner who never learns.
Praise God that He is able to use painful things like loneliness to draw me back into His loving embrace for another chance.
It's amazing how close to home Elisabeth Elliot hits with what she says. Another one of my friends said about her, "I love how direct and unapologetic she is." I also wonder sometimes if she has read my mind or heard my heart, because she echos so many of my questions and thought processes in her book.
There was one quote from a chapter that really smacked me in the face, which says,
"Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."
I remembered James 1:2-4, which pretty much says the same thing, saying that trials that we go through produces steadfastness, which helps us in the sanctification process (although you really should look up the verses and read them for yourself; James is one of my absolute favorite books!)
I guess it was one of those things that I had thought about, but I never fully understood that even something so small a problem and yet so big of one as loneliness is still a trial. I know I never thought about it as being one. Trials to me usually meant that you were dealing with a major health problem or that you were being persecuted for your faith. And those ARE trials. However, even the little things can be and can become a major problem and need to be dealt with.
What I've learned about loneliness this semester is this: I am most lonely when I've barely taken a thought about God. It is when I get so caught up in my own problems and what I can do to fix things and what I don't have that I get unsatisfied with where I am in life, who I'm with, what I'm doing, EVERYTHING. Then everything seems to fall apart again. But it's SUCH a good thing it happens, and I'm so grateful for it. Wanna know why?
1. It drives me to my knees in prayer, which in turn...
2. Leads me back to the cross and to Christ's waiting arms of love.
Christ is always there, ready and waiting for me to run back to Him. Even when I've dug myself into such a deep hole that I feel like I can't climb back out, He's got a rope, a ladder, whatever it takes to pull me back up out of the pit and back to Him again.
Funny thing about loneliness is, I always bring it upon myself, in a way. Since Christ is always there, it is ALWAYS me. I am the one who inches farther away from His side to see if I can do things my way for a change. Guess what? It never works out.
So, the question of the century: why do I keep running away?
Because, ladies and gents, I am a sinner who never learns.
Praise God that He is able to use painful things like loneliness to draw me back into His loving embrace for another chance.
Friday, December 16, 2011
A Lesson Learned
I wrote this essay for my Gateway class this semester - we had to write about a lesson God had taught us. There were SO many I could write about, but this one stuck out the most in my mind (and was the most recent). I hope you learn something from it and take it to heart!
A Not-So Hidden Promise
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28 ESV)
By my senior year of high school, I knew I was going to college, and I knew what I was going to be majoring in. I just hadn’t figured out where God wanted me to be. I knew I wanted to go to a Christian college, because integrating my faith in with my academics had been a huge part of my education for a long time, and I wanted to continue that in my higher education. As to where I was supposed to be or would eventually end up, that was harder to figure out.
After months of headaches from staring at my laptop screen for hours on end researching different colleges, I narrowed my list down to two: College of the Ozarks and John Brown University. Both are rather small, but good-sized non-denominational Christian colleges, where the population consisted of one to two thousand students; just right for me. Both were home to breathtaking campuses, strongly encouraged building your faith and walk with God along with using your brain to the best of your ability, and both were home to exceptional music programs (which is what I had decided on majoring in).
Numerous were the nights as I lay in my firm bed, turning myself and my sheets around in the darkness, where I would faintly whisper over and over, “Lord, where do I go?” When March rolled around, I was still unsettled and indecisive about where God wanted me. I was already accepted at JBU, but still hadn’t heard back from College of the Ozarks. However, my heart ached to go to College of the Ozarks. Feeling like God wasn’t answering me, I told God, “I know You want me somewhere specific. I know you will close doors if You don’t want me some place. College of the Ozarks is so much easier to pay for, it’s a few hours away but not too far away, and I would finally be out of the house and on my own in a way,” I reasoned. “If they accept me, I’ll go there. If not, I know you want me at JBU, so I’ll go there.”
It was a week after that when I crouched in my small car, holding the letter that would determine my college life with shaking hands. My eyes rushed through the words:
“Dear Lauren,
We regret to inform you that you have not been accepted to College of the Ozarks…”
I didn’t need to read any more. God had given me His answer. All the saliva drained from my mouth, and my parched lips twitched. I closed my eyes and my chest felt like it had taken a nose-dive into a mineshaft. I forced out a few chuckles, but in just one minute, my eyes were gushing salty water. Realizing that I was still sitting in my little white Toyota Corolla parked by our brick mailbox, my fingers swept away the torrential downpour from the corners of my eyes and my puffy cheeks and drove back up my driveway.
A few minutes later, I was in the safety of my room to think over what just happened. My head knew that I should be happy that I had gotten an answer, but my heart wasn’t there yet. I didn’t want to admit it to God, but I was disappointed and bitter. That was because I was like a toddler who didn’t get what I wanted. Then I recognized what my problem was: I had told God that I wanted to know His plans, but I wanted them to match up with my own.
It took several months through my freshman year at John Brown University to truly convince myself in both my head and my heart, that God has a specific plan for my life and that He can see the whole picture; I cannot. He is an all-knowing, all-powerful, and loving God. He works things out for the good of those who love and serve Him. I’ve seen it in my own life before. Because of that, I can trust Him completely and be able to give my plans and dreams up to Him for Him to either use as part of His or to give me something even better.
Lord, I see that You’re at work in my life here at JBU; help me to remember that I am here for Your glory and Your purposes. Amen.
A Not-So Hidden Promise
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28 ESV)
By my senior year of high school, I knew I was going to college, and I knew what I was going to be majoring in. I just hadn’t figured out where God wanted me to be. I knew I wanted to go to a Christian college, because integrating my faith in with my academics had been a huge part of my education for a long time, and I wanted to continue that in my higher education. As to where I was supposed to be or would eventually end up, that was harder to figure out.
After months of headaches from staring at my laptop screen for hours on end researching different colleges, I narrowed my list down to two: College of the Ozarks and John Brown University. Both are rather small, but good-sized non-denominational Christian colleges, where the population consisted of one to two thousand students; just right for me. Both were home to breathtaking campuses, strongly encouraged building your faith and walk with God along with using your brain to the best of your ability, and both were home to exceptional music programs (which is what I had decided on majoring in).
Numerous were the nights as I lay in my firm bed, turning myself and my sheets around in the darkness, where I would faintly whisper over and over, “Lord, where do I go?” When March rolled around, I was still unsettled and indecisive about where God wanted me. I was already accepted at JBU, but still hadn’t heard back from College of the Ozarks. However, my heart ached to go to College of the Ozarks. Feeling like God wasn’t answering me, I told God, “I know You want me somewhere specific. I know you will close doors if You don’t want me some place. College of the Ozarks is so much easier to pay for, it’s a few hours away but not too far away, and I would finally be out of the house and on my own in a way,” I reasoned. “If they accept me, I’ll go there. If not, I know you want me at JBU, so I’ll go there.”
It was a week after that when I crouched in my small car, holding the letter that would determine my college life with shaking hands. My eyes rushed through the words:
“Dear Lauren,
We regret to inform you that you have not been accepted to College of the Ozarks…”
I didn’t need to read any more. God had given me His answer. All the saliva drained from my mouth, and my parched lips twitched. I closed my eyes and my chest felt like it had taken a nose-dive into a mineshaft. I forced out a few chuckles, but in just one minute, my eyes were gushing salty water. Realizing that I was still sitting in my little white Toyota Corolla parked by our brick mailbox, my fingers swept away the torrential downpour from the corners of my eyes and my puffy cheeks and drove back up my driveway.
A few minutes later, I was in the safety of my room to think over what just happened. My head knew that I should be happy that I had gotten an answer, but my heart wasn’t there yet. I didn’t want to admit it to God, but I was disappointed and bitter. That was because I was like a toddler who didn’t get what I wanted. Then I recognized what my problem was: I had told God that I wanted to know His plans, but I wanted them to match up with my own.
It took several months through my freshman year at John Brown University to truly convince myself in both my head and my heart, that God has a specific plan for my life and that He can see the whole picture; I cannot. He is an all-knowing, all-powerful, and loving God. He works things out for the good of those who love and serve Him. I’ve seen it in my own life before. Because of that, I can trust Him completely and be able to give my plans and dreams up to Him for Him to either use as part of His or to give me something even better.
Lord, I see that You’re at work in my life here at JBU; help me to remember that I am here for Your glory and Your purposes. Amen.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Placing My Gifts at His Feet
I am speechless.
All I felt like doing was run in circles, screaming from the abundance of joy in my heart. I actually did that Friday night standing in the middle of Walker Student Center in the middle of my friends' circle! I couldn't stop giggling and my hands were shaking from so much excitement. I had just sung for JBU's annual Christmas Candlelight service for the second night in a row this year, so I was already extremely happy. I checked my mailbox after the service because I had forgotten to earlier that day. I saw I had a letter from the Next Big Thing people. I snatched it and tore it open. I hesitated to read it at first, because I thought to myself, "I hope this isn't a rejection letter..." For as many things as I had tried out for this semester, I had gotten more rejection from people this semester than I have probably my whole life. I had tried out for the Next Big Thing, originally because my mom suggested that I should.
"It'll be a great opportunity for you!" she reassured me after I told her I was fully convinced that I wouldn't make it, considering that I was a freshman and that there were MUCH better songwriters/performers than me. "Even if you don't make it, you'll know how to work harder for next time." I agreed, and practiced one of the songs I had written a long time ago. Tryouts went surprisingly well, but I had to wait for weeks to find out the results.
So, opening the letter in my hand, I read:
"Dear Lauren,
Congratulations! On behalf of the entire Next Big Thing Judging Panel, it is my pleasure to inform you that the judges have selected you to move on to the final round of the Next Big Thing. . ."
I only had to read the first few words. I'm pretty sure I looked absolutely ridiculous screaming my head off and jumping with ecstasy in the middle of the student center!
Driving home from JBU that night, only one thought repeated in my mind: Why me?
If any of you know me, you will know that I am the least confident person in the world. I love music, and one of my dreams is to record my own CD, because I want that to be part of my ministry. I know I am a decent musician. However, performing in front of people TERRIFIES me. My throat dries up instantly, and my hands shake uncontrollably. I've gotten better at being confident, but I still have a LONG way to go.
In my mind, I am the least qualified person to be chosen. So... Why me?
God could've said "no" to me again. But He didn't.
The only thing I can think of is that God is telling me, "Alright, Lauren, I'm giving you this opportunity. I'm going to bless you. But now you must give it back to me. Give me all you've got. Use your gifts for MY glory."
My wise mother once told me, "Trust God in the little things; THEN the big things will come."
Before Candlelight started for the third night in a row, the night after I found out I was a finalist for the Next Big Thing, the women's chorus' devotional for the night was about the three wise men. I had heard this story a million and one times. When Kate Dewey shared the story this time, though, it gave it so much more meaning for me. Think of three noble kings, actual kings, traveling so far to catch a glimpse of this little Jewish baby. How strange it would've been to see this happen. . . I picture them riding their lumbering camels in a dry, dusty desert to find this child. They arrive at the little shack of a house that belonged to Mary and Joseph, just in time to see the stars peek out of their hiding places. At the first sight of Jesus, they instantly collapse to the ground, bowing down to this Jewish toddler. They gave him the most extravagant gifts (the ones we can all name from memory: gold, frankincense, myrrh). What strange but beautiful and costly gifts these must've been! But the three kings gave him their best gifts that they could offer, because they knew in their hearts that Jesus was the Messiah.
This convicts me so much. . . Am I giving Christ my best gifts? Am I laying them down at His feet, ready and willing to let Him have His way with me and use me for something so wonderful and great?
With this in mind, I have absolutely no idea where the next few months are going to take me with this. All I know is that it's going to be a good semester in the spring. :)
Lord, thank you for allowing me to be used in such an incredible way. Let the words and the notes that I pen down be glorifying to Your awesome and holy name. Continue to guide and direct my steps, down the path that You want me to walk on. Amen.
All I felt like doing was run in circles, screaming from the abundance of joy in my heart. I actually did that Friday night standing in the middle of Walker Student Center in the middle of my friends' circle! I couldn't stop giggling and my hands were shaking from so much excitement. I had just sung for JBU's annual Christmas Candlelight service for the second night in a row this year, so I was already extremely happy. I checked my mailbox after the service because I had forgotten to earlier that day. I saw I had a letter from the Next Big Thing people. I snatched it and tore it open. I hesitated to read it at first, because I thought to myself, "I hope this isn't a rejection letter..." For as many things as I had tried out for this semester, I had gotten more rejection from people this semester than I have probably my whole life. I had tried out for the Next Big Thing, originally because my mom suggested that I should.
"It'll be a great opportunity for you!" she reassured me after I told her I was fully convinced that I wouldn't make it, considering that I was a freshman and that there were MUCH better songwriters/performers than me. "Even if you don't make it, you'll know how to work harder for next time." I agreed, and practiced one of the songs I had written a long time ago. Tryouts went surprisingly well, but I had to wait for weeks to find out the results.
So, opening the letter in my hand, I read:
"Dear Lauren,
Congratulations! On behalf of the entire Next Big Thing Judging Panel, it is my pleasure to inform you that the judges have selected you to move on to the final round of the Next Big Thing. . ."
I only had to read the first few words. I'm pretty sure I looked absolutely ridiculous screaming my head off and jumping with ecstasy in the middle of the student center!
Driving home from JBU that night, only one thought repeated in my mind: Why me?
If any of you know me, you will know that I am the least confident person in the world. I love music, and one of my dreams is to record my own CD, because I want that to be part of my ministry. I know I am a decent musician. However, performing in front of people TERRIFIES me. My throat dries up instantly, and my hands shake uncontrollably. I've gotten better at being confident, but I still have a LONG way to go.
In my mind, I am the least qualified person to be chosen. So... Why me?
God could've said "no" to me again. But He didn't.
The only thing I can think of is that God is telling me, "Alright, Lauren, I'm giving you this opportunity. I'm going to bless you. But now you must give it back to me. Give me all you've got. Use your gifts for MY glory."
My wise mother once told me, "Trust God in the little things; THEN the big things will come."
Before Candlelight started for the third night in a row, the night after I found out I was a finalist for the Next Big Thing, the women's chorus' devotional for the night was about the three wise men. I had heard this story a million and one times. When Kate Dewey shared the story this time, though, it gave it so much more meaning for me. Think of three noble kings, actual kings, traveling so far to catch a glimpse of this little Jewish baby. How strange it would've been to see this happen. . . I picture them riding their lumbering camels in a dry, dusty desert to find this child. They arrive at the little shack of a house that belonged to Mary and Joseph, just in time to see the stars peek out of their hiding places. At the first sight of Jesus, they instantly collapse to the ground, bowing down to this Jewish toddler. They gave him the most extravagant gifts (the ones we can all name from memory: gold, frankincense, myrrh). What strange but beautiful and costly gifts these must've been! But the three kings gave him their best gifts that they could offer, because they knew in their hearts that Jesus was the Messiah.
This convicts me so much. . . Am I giving Christ my best gifts? Am I laying them down at His feet, ready and willing to let Him have His way with me and use me for something so wonderful and great?
With this in mind, I have absolutely no idea where the next few months are going to take me with this. All I know is that it's going to be a good semester in the spring. :)
Lord, thank you for allowing me to be used in such an incredible way. Let the words and the notes that I pen down be glorifying to Your awesome and holy name. Continue to guide and direct my steps, down the path that You want me to walk on. Amen.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Finding Rest
I'm surprised I even heard my alarm go off this morning; it was set on the softest volume possible (not intentionally, of course). Not even the usual hot and steaming morning shower could fully wake me up this morning. I quickly blow-dried my hair and did the rest of my morning routine in a robot-like manner, and having had my backpack packed the night before, I thrust it over my sore shoulder and headed out the door.
It usually takes me a little over 30 minutes for me to drive to JBU every day. As I took my keys out of the ignition, I slammed the car door and started the trek to my class. I automatically reached for my phone in my backpack's side pocket, and felt nothing but my keys and chapstick. I felt again and again... Nothing. Then I suddenly remembered. "AUGH! I left it on my sink while I was getting ready." That's been the second time that I've left my phone at home. Ever. This proved my exhaustion. Running on a little over ten hours of sleep over the past 48 hours tends to leave you feeling like you've been run over by a train.
While it was relieving not to have it around to distract me the whole day, I felt helpless without it. What if I were to drive back home and get in a car wreck on the way?! I would have no way to contact anyone. What if I had forgotten something important that I had to do today?!
Turns out, there WAS something.
After a wonderful chapel service consisting of about 200 really cute second graders singing us Christmas songs, I walked into my Intro to Statistics class, feeling good about turning in my assignment. As I sat down, my professor told us to put our books under our desks. Then he started handing out tests. ....THE TEST!
I gasped to myself. I was so worried about getting all my other assignments done that I had completely forgotten about this!!! I told myself not to panic, that it was hard to really study for a math test anyway, since all you had to know was how to do the problems. So I forced myself not to stress about it, and I felt pretty good about it.
I got out of class 30 minutes early because of the test, so I headed to Walker Student Center. I got my assigned reading for Gateway class done. The last chapter of the book was one page long, but spoke volumes to me, more than any other chapter I had read before in that book. My Gateway professor, who had written the book as a personal memoir a while back, wrote the chapter on Moses when he was complaining to the Israelites about how he couldn't keep up with everyone's problems up on the mountain. Then the Lord told him that he had stayed on the mountain too long.
The last paragraph of Confessions of an Amateur Believer, the book I was reading for Gateway, stood out to me the most:
"Usually it's at night, and my worries are about my children and their rages, my students and their problems, my husband and his stress, my job and its exigencies. And if, in the darkness, I stop worrying to listen - which I often don't, or can't, or won't - I hear God's voice under the narrative of my own worries and accusations: That's enough. Do not speak to me anymore about this matter. You have stayed long enough at this mountain. Move on. Trust in me. Go to sleep." (Kirk 266)
This was the exact situation I was in last night. I got in bed late to begin with, trying to prepare for the next day (and in the days ahead). The time I spend laying in my bed before finally drifting off to sleep maybe an hour later is my time to think over what I need to do when I get up the next morning or what I've got going on the rest of the week, what I need to prepare for, what do I need to remember, etc. Every time I would start to nod off, I would think of something I needed to do, like send a Facebook message to someone about canceling something, or figuring out when my finals were just so I could get that situated as far in advance as possible, or putting out clothes for the next day that I had forgotten to put out. Then as soon as I would start to nod off again, I'd have to do something else. Then after a few more times of getting up to do something, I convinced myself to stay in my bed. But it would still be an hour or two before I finally relinquished my mind and body to rest...
With all of that being said, after I had read that chapter for Gateway class, I picked up my Bible and flipped the pages over to Matthew 11:28-30, in which Jesus says:
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
I closed my Bible and took a deep breath of relief. No matter how crazy the next few weeks will be, God remains in control of everything.
He is the God of peace.
How comforting that is in knowing that He is carrying me through this crazy time in my life even now, and how comforting it is in knowing that everything will work out in the end!
It usually takes me a little over 30 minutes for me to drive to JBU every day. As I took my keys out of the ignition, I slammed the car door and started the trek to my class. I automatically reached for my phone in my backpack's side pocket, and felt nothing but my keys and chapstick. I felt again and again... Nothing. Then I suddenly remembered. "AUGH! I left it on my sink while I was getting ready." That's been the second time that I've left my phone at home. Ever. This proved my exhaustion. Running on a little over ten hours of sleep over the past 48 hours tends to leave you feeling like you've been run over by a train.
While it was relieving not to have it around to distract me the whole day, I felt helpless without it. What if I were to drive back home and get in a car wreck on the way?! I would have no way to contact anyone. What if I had forgotten something important that I had to do today?!
Turns out, there WAS something.
After a wonderful chapel service consisting of about 200 really cute second graders singing us Christmas songs, I walked into my Intro to Statistics class, feeling good about turning in my assignment. As I sat down, my professor told us to put our books under our desks. Then he started handing out tests. ....THE TEST!
I gasped to myself. I was so worried about getting all my other assignments done that I had completely forgotten about this!!! I told myself not to panic, that it was hard to really study for a math test anyway, since all you had to know was how to do the problems. So I forced myself not to stress about it, and I felt pretty good about it.
I got out of class 30 minutes early because of the test, so I headed to Walker Student Center. I got my assigned reading for Gateway class done. The last chapter of the book was one page long, but spoke volumes to me, more than any other chapter I had read before in that book. My Gateway professor, who had written the book as a personal memoir a while back, wrote the chapter on Moses when he was complaining to the Israelites about how he couldn't keep up with everyone's problems up on the mountain. Then the Lord told him that he had stayed on the mountain too long.
The last paragraph of Confessions of an Amateur Believer, the book I was reading for Gateway, stood out to me the most:
"Usually it's at night, and my worries are about my children and their rages, my students and their problems, my husband and his stress, my job and its exigencies. And if, in the darkness, I stop worrying to listen - which I often don't, or can't, or won't - I hear God's voice under the narrative of my own worries and accusations: That's enough. Do not speak to me anymore about this matter. You have stayed long enough at this mountain. Move on. Trust in me. Go to sleep." (Kirk 266)
This was the exact situation I was in last night. I got in bed late to begin with, trying to prepare for the next day (and in the days ahead). The time I spend laying in my bed before finally drifting off to sleep maybe an hour later is my time to think over what I need to do when I get up the next morning or what I've got going on the rest of the week, what I need to prepare for, what do I need to remember, etc. Every time I would start to nod off, I would think of something I needed to do, like send a Facebook message to someone about canceling something, or figuring out when my finals were just so I could get that situated as far in advance as possible, or putting out clothes for the next day that I had forgotten to put out. Then as soon as I would start to nod off again, I'd have to do something else. Then after a few more times of getting up to do something, I convinced myself to stay in my bed. But it would still be an hour or two before I finally relinquished my mind and body to rest...
With all of that being said, after I had read that chapter for Gateway class, I picked up my Bible and flipped the pages over to Matthew 11:28-30, in which Jesus says:
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
I closed my Bible and took a deep breath of relief. No matter how crazy the next few weeks will be, God remains in control of everything.
He is the God of peace.
How comforting that is in knowing that He is carrying me through this crazy time in my life even now, and how comforting it is in knowing that everything will work out in the end!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving...
I stayed up way too late last night finishing the second book in the Hunger Games trilogy (which ended up being 1:30). This morning at 9 am, my mom came into my room, and to me, what could've just been her normal volume sounded like she was practically screaming in my ear, "IT'S TIME TO HELP WITH MAKING FOOD, I LET YOU SLEEP IN!" I groaned inwardly, as I thought to myself, "Uh yeah right, this is NOT sleeping in." Sleeping in for me is 11 am, although this semester, 9 am is definitely considered sleeping in.
After a good long shower to wake me up, I was ready to get started in making some yummy food. We made all kinds of delectable things for tomorrow (which I am SUPER excited about) such as a pecan pie (my personal favorite kind of pie), pumpkin cupcakes, green bean casserole, etc. Getting to cook and bake with my mom and sister is always fun (even though they hog a lot of the "fun stuff" to do such as icing the cupcakes without me! JK), and it's always fun for several reasons. For one, we're always insane around each other so we always either drive the others up the wall or we laugh until we cry. Another reason is that it lets me sort of catch up with what's going on at my house whenever I'm not there (which is Monday through Friday during the day and sometimes at night).
Today has shown me several different things to be thankful for:
1. The time to actually stay up really late and do some "free" reading (which I almost NEVER have time to do). Even though I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted, I was definitely blessed to have an immense amount of time to finish reading my book (and start the third one in the series).
2. The time to spend a whole day with my family. Even though I live at home and commute to JBU every day, and even though I'm home on the weekends, I seriously have not spent a whole entire day parked at my house and spending time with only my family since before college started this semester. I'm always rushing about from this place to another, and hardly ever slow down. Which leads to my next thing to be thankful for...
3. The time to sloooow doooowwwn. I love being busy. I love the rush I get when I have a moderately full schedule, filled with fun and exciting things to do and spending time with people in those events. But one lesson I'm having to learn right now is to take things slow sometimes and just take a deep breath. Even Jesus had to go someplace quiet and get away from everything for a while and pray and encourages us to do the same at times (Matt. 14:13a, Mark 6:31) Whenever I am resting and taking things slow, it is refreshing and I feel more energized afterwards to be more productive and such.
4. The people God has put into my life that I call my family. Not just intermediate family, but all of my grandparents, uncles, and cousins fit into that category. Every single person is different, in their personalities, looks, and mannerisms. When we all come together, however, we all seem to become unified. I'm also very blessed to have most (if not all) of my family members be believers in Christ, so we can always talk about deep, meaningful things and not feel weird about it.
5. The food God has provided us with. Not just for Thanksgiving, but for every day. I know people hear about this all the time, and some people don't really care, but I always feel guilty of complaining if some type of food I may be eating doesn't own up to my expectations, when there are people around the world dying of hunger or thirst. We here in America have it WAY too good, and we don't even realize it most of the time.
These things are only a few of the many, many things I could name, but these were some big ones. I just thought I'd share some of them since it IS Thanksgiving Day (it's currently 1:15 AM as I'm typing this). :)
I hope all of you reading this have a great Thanksgiving Day yourself! And go hug your aunt or something. For real.
After a good long shower to wake me up, I was ready to get started in making some yummy food. We made all kinds of delectable things for tomorrow (which I am SUPER excited about) such as a pecan pie (my personal favorite kind of pie), pumpkin cupcakes, green bean casserole, etc. Getting to cook and bake with my mom and sister is always fun (even though they hog a lot of the "fun stuff" to do such as icing the cupcakes without me! JK), and it's always fun for several reasons. For one, we're always insane around each other so we always either drive the others up the wall or we laugh until we cry. Another reason is that it lets me sort of catch up with what's going on at my house whenever I'm not there (which is Monday through Friday during the day and sometimes at night).
Today has shown me several different things to be thankful for:
1. The time to actually stay up really late and do some "free" reading (which I almost NEVER have time to do). Even though I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted, I was definitely blessed to have an immense amount of time to finish reading my book (and start the third one in the series).
2. The time to spend a whole day with my family. Even though I live at home and commute to JBU every day, and even though I'm home on the weekends, I seriously have not spent a whole entire day parked at my house and spending time with only my family since before college started this semester. I'm always rushing about from this place to another, and hardly ever slow down. Which leads to my next thing to be thankful for...
3. The time to sloooow doooowwwn. I love being busy. I love the rush I get when I have a moderately full schedule, filled with fun and exciting things to do and spending time with people in those events. But one lesson I'm having to learn right now is to take things slow sometimes and just take a deep breath. Even Jesus had to go someplace quiet and get away from everything for a while and pray and encourages us to do the same at times (Matt. 14:13a, Mark 6:31) Whenever I am resting and taking things slow, it is refreshing and I feel more energized afterwards to be more productive and such.
4. The people God has put into my life that I call my family. Not just intermediate family, but all of my grandparents, uncles, and cousins fit into that category. Every single person is different, in their personalities, looks, and mannerisms. When we all come together, however, we all seem to become unified. I'm also very blessed to have most (if not all) of my family members be believers in Christ, so we can always talk about deep, meaningful things and not feel weird about it.
5. The food God has provided us with. Not just for Thanksgiving, but for every day. I know people hear about this all the time, and some people don't really care, but I always feel guilty of complaining if some type of food I may be eating doesn't own up to my expectations, when there are people around the world dying of hunger or thirst. We here in America have it WAY too good, and we don't even realize it most of the time.
These things are only a few of the many, many things I could name, but these were some big ones. I just thought I'd share some of them since it IS Thanksgiving Day (it's currently 1:15 AM as I'm typing this). :)
I hope all of you reading this have a great Thanksgiving Day yourself! And go hug your aunt or something. For real.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Flashing Lights
Stepping out from Walker Student Center into the bitterly cold 20 mph winds started my grumbling thoughts as I trudged to my car to go home. "Why couldn't we have the nicer weather like we had yesterday?!" I screamed on the inside.
I had a chai tea from Starbucks in one of the cup holders, and as I was driving, I went to pick it up and didn't get a good grip on the cup, causing it to slip from my hand and thus spilling it into the cup holder. Feeling inside of it to survey the damage, I grimaced as my finger felt the somewhat deep pool of chai that I would have to clean up later when I got home. "Just great," I muttered to myself.
As I drove past the Siloam Springs city limits, I saw millions of brake lights in front of me. I groaned and huffed yet again. "Good gracious, I'm NEVER getting home tonight!" I called my mom to tell her that I was stuck at a stand-still barely past Siloam and that I wouldn't be home right away, which was okay because she had taken Lindsey, my younger sister, to cheer practice and was out shopping anyway. We talked on the phone for a good ten minutes, with me inching about 5 feet every 2 minutes on the highway. After I hung up the phone with her, we started moving consistently. "Good deal," I muttered. "Now we're getting somewhere..." After crawling on the highway for another ten minutes, I finally saw the flashing lights that I was looking anxiously for. I didn't see anything but a ton of regular cars on the side of the highway. Three fire trucks were there, all with their hoses out. "What in the world?" I craned my neck to find out what was going on. I finally saw a semi on the side of the highway. Then, as I passed it, I realized to an extent what had happened. I gasped. The front end of the semi (where the engine and driver usually are) had been completely burned, charred. The only thing remaining was a metal rim of what used to be the front end of that semi. I have no clue if the driver is still alive or if he was injured at all.
As I drove past the sickening scene, I felt convicted. God was telling me, "You were seriously annoyed with those little things today?! C'mon, Lauren, you know better than that. Just think, I've given you another day to live, and to live FOR ME. Now act like it!"
My stomach flipped a little. I remember a few times while I was driving where I seriously could've died. There was the one time at the beginning of the school year when I pulled into Tontitown, and an old lady in a small tan car came at me IN MY LANE at 60 mph. It was a good thing there was nobody in the middle lane, because all I could think of to do at that moment was to swerve into that lane. I swerved back into the lane I had previously been in and started freaking out. I could have died... God had spared my life. There were other times, but that one has stuck out in my mind the most.
Back in the darkness and warmth of my car, I prayed. I thanked God that He HAD given me my life, and that He had let me live another day.
Because really, my life is in His hands and not my own.
That's a terrifying thought. But it's also a comforting thought, because who else would be better qualified to direct my paths and keep me from harm's way?
Father, help me to remember in the days when the little things seem to take over my life, that You have blessed me with this life that You've given to me. Help me to let my light shine before others, so that they may see You and give glory to You (Matt. 5:16). Thank You for blessing me this much; I don't even deserve it. But that's the beauty of grace! Thank You SO MUCH for Your amazing grace. Amen.
I had a chai tea from Starbucks in one of the cup holders, and as I was driving, I went to pick it up and didn't get a good grip on the cup, causing it to slip from my hand and thus spilling it into the cup holder. Feeling inside of it to survey the damage, I grimaced as my finger felt the somewhat deep pool of chai that I would have to clean up later when I got home. "Just great," I muttered to myself.
As I drove past the Siloam Springs city limits, I saw millions of brake lights in front of me. I groaned and huffed yet again. "Good gracious, I'm NEVER getting home tonight!" I called my mom to tell her that I was stuck at a stand-still barely past Siloam and that I wouldn't be home right away, which was okay because she had taken Lindsey, my younger sister, to cheer practice and was out shopping anyway. We talked on the phone for a good ten minutes, with me inching about 5 feet every 2 minutes on the highway. After I hung up the phone with her, we started moving consistently. "Good deal," I muttered. "Now we're getting somewhere..." After crawling on the highway for another ten minutes, I finally saw the flashing lights that I was looking anxiously for. I didn't see anything but a ton of regular cars on the side of the highway. Three fire trucks were there, all with their hoses out. "What in the world?" I craned my neck to find out what was going on. I finally saw a semi on the side of the highway. Then, as I passed it, I realized to an extent what had happened. I gasped. The front end of the semi (where the engine and driver usually are) had been completely burned, charred. The only thing remaining was a metal rim of what used to be the front end of that semi. I have no clue if the driver is still alive or if he was injured at all.
As I drove past the sickening scene, I felt convicted. God was telling me, "You were seriously annoyed with those little things today?! C'mon, Lauren, you know better than that. Just think, I've given you another day to live, and to live FOR ME. Now act like it!"
My stomach flipped a little. I remember a few times while I was driving where I seriously could've died. There was the one time at the beginning of the school year when I pulled into Tontitown, and an old lady in a small tan car came at me IN MY LANE at 60 mph. It was a good thing there was nobody in the middle lane, because all I could think of to do at that moment was to swerve into that lane. I swerved back into the lane I had previously been in and started freaking out. I could have died... God had spared my life. There were other times, but that one has stuck out in my mind the most.
Back in the darkness and warmth of my car, I prayed. I thanked God that He HAD given me my life, and that He had let me live another day.
Because really, my life is in His hands and not my own.
That's a terrifying thought. But it's also a comforting thought, because who else would be better qualified to direct my paths and keep me from harm's way?
Father, help me to remember in the days when the little things seem to take over my life, that You have blessed me with this life that You've given to me. Help me to let my light shine before others, so that they may see You and give glory to You (Matt. 5:16). Thank You for blessing me this much; I don't even deserve it. But that's the beauty of grace! Thank You SO MUCH for Your amazing grace. Amen.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Makin' Plans...
I've always been a planner. Always. Even when I was a lot younger. I loved planning birthday parties for myself and surprise parties for loved ones. I loved helping planning our family vacations, some big trip (like going to Silver Dollar City), or even trips to go see family.
In the past few years, I've planned for a lot of things: my last few years of high school, graduation, where I would go to college, what I would be majoring in, exactly how long it will take me to graduate, and when certain classes would be taken. Yeah, big kid stuff.
I knew I wanted to major in music, and I didn't have too much trouble in my college decision... But when I stepped foot onto the JBU campus, I realized that I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I loved music, and I COULD teach at my house for the rest of my life. I just don't know if that's what I want to do for the rest of my life. Besides that, I don't know what I would do for a job until I got married (if I ever do, and I sure hope God blesses me with a husband someday!)
I was at a friend's house last night, and there were basically two groups of people: the high school people and the college people. I swung back and forth between the two groups because I'm friends with everybody and I hate, absolutely HATE when people split up; I'm the type of person where everything has to be fair, equal, and unified. Anywho, it was interesting talking to everyone in the "college" group... Some of us had HUGE plans for after college, like going to grad school and then getting their master's, and some of us didn't have a clue what we were going to do afterwards. I was in the latter group of people... As the others were discussing their plans, I felt a sense of dread and a slight panic come over me: what WAS I going to do after college?! All these people have big plans for their lives... I need to get crackin'! Needless to say, even though it was great conversation, I went home feeling bad about myself because I felt like a failure in planning out my future.
This morning I went to the college sunday school, called the Student Section, before the big worship service. We have been going through James in the past month or so, and today's passage that was taught/discussed was James 4:13-17, which says (in the ESV):
"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."
I read that passage and immediately felt peace. I quickly realized that it was okay that I didn't have a 5-year plan for my life after college, and that I didn't have any huge goals/plans for my life. Obviously, it's okay to make plans and have hopes and dreams. However, we need to realize that those hopes and dreams may not be what God has planned for our lives, and we need to give those up to Him, to surrender them and rest in the knowledge that even though we may not realize it at the time, God works all things together for the good of those who love him, for those who are the called, according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). We must hang on to our plans loosely and instead cling to God and His promises tightly.
Here are some application questions that were given to me this morning in church: Are your plans promoting God's glory or your own? Are you seeking others' approval in regards to your plans, or are you seeking God's approval? And are you willing to give up your ambitions/dreams to trade them for God's?
We must take on humility and come before God with our plans.
To close, as I was writing this post, this old hymn popped into my head. This is my prayer:
Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
In the past few years, I've planned for a lot of things: my last few years of high school, graduation, where I would go to college, what I would be majoring in, exactly how long it will take me to graduate, and when certain classes would be taken. Yeah, big kid stuff.
I knew I wanted to major in music, and I didn't have too much trouble in my college decision... But when I stepped foot onto the JBU campus, I realized that I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I loved music, and I COULD teach at my house for the rest of my life. I just don't know if that's what I want to do for the rest of my life. Besides that, I don't know what I would do for a job until I got married (if I ever do, and I sure hope God blesses me with a husband someday!)
I was at a friend's house last night, and there were basically two groups of people: the high school people and the college people. I swung back and forth between the two groups because I'm friends with everybody and I hate, absolutely HATE when people split up; I'm the type of person where everything has to be fair, equal, and unified. Anywho, it was interesting talking to everyone in the "college" group... Some of us had HUGE plans for after college, like going to grad school and then getting their master's, and some of us didn't have a clue what we were going to do afterwards. I was in the latter group of people... As the others were discussing their plans, I felt a sense of dread and a slight panic come over me: what WAS I going to do after college?! All these people have big plans for their lives... I need to get crackin'! Needless to say, even though it was great conversation, I went home feeling bad about myself because I felt like a failure in planning out my future.
This morning I went to the college sunday school, called the Student Section, before the big worship service. We have been going through James in the past month or so, and today's passage that was taught/discussed was James 4:13-17, which says (in the ESV):
"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."
I read that passage and immediately felt peace. I quickly realized that it was okay that I didn't have a 5-year plan for my life after college, and that I didn't have any huge goals/plans for my life. Obviously, it's okay to make plans and have hopes and dreams. However, we need to realize that those hopes and dreams may not be what God has planned for our lives, and we need to give those up to Him, to surrender them and rest in the knowledge that even though we may not realize it at the time, God works all things together for the good of those who love him, for those who are the called, according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). We must hang on to our plans loosely and instead cling to God and His promises tightly.
Here are some application questions that were given to me this morning in church: Are your plans promoting God's glory or your own? Are you seeking others' approval in regards to your plans, or are you seeking God's approval? And are you willing to give up your ambitions/dreams to trade them for God's?
We must take on humility and come before God with our plans.
To close, as I was writing this post, this old hymn popped into my head. This is my prayer:
Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Imperishable Beauty
This month causes a lot of mixed emotions for different people. For some, it's the month in which we celebrate Thanksgiving. For others, it's their birthday month. For more people, it's No-Shave November, the month where guys don't touch a razor and end up looking like a mountain man three quarters of the way through. For me and for a few other girls I know, it's the month where we have decided to go barefaced: No-Makeup November.
When I first heard the idea, I had mixed reactions to it. On the one hand, I was all on fire for the idea. On the other hand, I was somewhat terrified. "Go without covering my flaws for a whole month?! How would I survive??!"
A lot of guys don't understand why this is such a big deal for a lot of girls. If you're one of those guys, keep reading. Even if you aren't, keep reading, as well. :) There are plenty of reasons, but here are the major few:
1. "I'm not pretty enough."
2. "Guys won't find me attractive." (YES, we secretly think this because we care about what you think of us!)
3. "I have so many flaws."
I'm going to unpack all three of these reasons, getting to the heart of the issue and what we can (and should) do about it...
1. "I'm not pretty enough."
This is a complete lie in itself. I believe that we are all beautiful in our own unique ways, because God created us in His image, and He doesn't make trash. Yes, we have been corrupted by sin, but that doesn't make us any less valuable in His sight. Yet, somehow, Satan whispers in each of our ears, "Why would anyone think you're pretty? What's so special about you?" I know there are so many days when I pick a fight with the mirror, and no matter what I do with myself, I still can't please it. Yet, like I said before, God doesn't make trash. He has created us each in His image, and we are precious in His sight. Isaiah 40:1b, 4 says this:
" 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
...Because you are precious in my eyes,
And honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.' "
This is how valuable we are to God!! Even though He is speaking to Israel through Isaiah, I believe He feels this way towards His people.
2. "Guys won't find me attractive."
I've talked to several of my close guy friends about this. By asking them about it, I've come to find something very interesting, and that is this: THEY DON'T CARE. At least two of them has even encouraged me to not wear makeup, because for one, it covers up our REAL face, and two, because they want to see how truly beautiful we really are without it. Not in a shallow way at all. Two other guys I've talked to have told me that I don't look any different without it on. Which is so true... I am still the same person, with or without makeup. Besides, what matters is not how you look, but everything else: how you act towards others, how much of a friend you are, and how much do you love and radiate Christ. The right guy will totally fall for you, no matter what's on your face (or what's not), because even though he might be attracted to you, he will fall even more in love with the woman you are on the inside.
1 Peter 3:3-4 is a verse most Christian girls have grown up hearing. It's such a good verse, but I think most of us have grown calloused to what it has to say to us. So, even though you may already know it, I will write it (er, type it) out here:
"Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
This verse applies to today's society SO much and we often don't realize it. Even though a lot of us don't braid our hair regularly, we take the time to straighten it, curl it, make it wavy, cut it, etc. We girls also love to accessorize and go shopping... which is totally not a bad thing! It's also not a bad thing at all to want to look nice and such. It's when we believe that we can't be beautiful without those things that it becomes a problem. I believe for us girls, beauty in itself has become some sort of idol. Instead of spending quality time with God in the morning, we take more time getting our hair and makeup just right. I repeat: this is not a bad thing at all!!! I like making myself look nice. Most girls do. However, when we put that above God does it become a problem. We fail to realize that our outward beauty WILL fade as we get older... We'll be really funny-looking and wrinkly old people. But our inward beauty NEVER FADES; that's what is meant by imperishable beauty.
3. "I have so many flaws."
This is the one that I've struggled with for so long. Every single morning when I roll out of bed, turn on my bathroom light, and look in that mirror, the first thing I notice are my blemishes. Let me say it is SO frustrating for me because I wash my face, moisturize it, and dab the pimple cream on every single night. More often than not, though, they still won't go away. That's why I wear makeup; to cover the blemishes. It's definitely an easy way to temporarily make them disappear. And those dark circles under my eyes! The horror!
Every morning, Satan has the perfect timing in whispering to me: "Look at those blemishes! That is absolutely disgusting! You need to cover those up... And those lashes... What lashes?! Gotta make them longer and darker! How else will you get noticed?" Most mornings I give in and cover it all up, making believe that as long as it's all on, I'm decent looking.
But that's just it. Even with it on, I still feel plain and not pretty 95% of the time. So why do I keep putting it on?
I think the real issues are contentment with who we are and our pride. Girls see other gorgeous girls, which leads to thinking, "Why can't I be as pretty as her?" Which is pretty much like slapping God in the face, saying, "You did it all wrong with me." But He didn't!!! Pride also gets in the way, because we all have a desire to be the best; for girls, we want to be the most beautiful. However, we tend to go about that the wrong way.
I'm gonna say this again: GOD DOES NOT MAKE TRASH.
I hope that's gotten stuck in your head now.
So, to wrap up, I want to challenge all girls to participate in this No-Makeup November thing. If you don't, I'm not gonna be mad or sad or anything. I just know what it feels like to feel worthless and ugly. I think this is a great challenge for me personally, because I've been struggling so much with this. This will definitely help me to focus on what my true identity is and who I really am in Christ and how beautiful I really am because I was created in His image.
If you feel worthless and plain, I hope and pray that you come to find that you really ARE worth everything and that you ARE breathtakingly beautiful, no matter what is (or what's not) on your face.
When I first heard the idea, I had mixed reactions to it. On the one hand, I was all on fire for the idea. On the other hand, I was somewhat terrified. "Go without covering my flaws for a whole month?! How would I survive??!"
A lot of guys don't understand why this is such a big deal for a lot of girls. If you're one of those guys, keep reading. Even if you aren't, keep reading, as well. :) There are plenty of reasons, but here are the major few:
1. "I'm not pretty enough."
2. "Guys won't find me attractive." (YES, we secretly think this because we care about what you think of us!)
3. "I have so many flaws."
I'm going to unpack all three of these reasons, getting to the heart of the issue and what we can (and should) do about it...
1. "I'm not pretty enough."
This is a complete lie in itself. I believe that we are all beautiful in our own unique ways, because God created us in His image, and He doesn't make trash. Yes, we have been corrupted by sin, but that doesn't make us any less valuable in His sight. Yet, somehow, Satan whispers in each of our ears, "Why would anyone think you're pretty? What's so special about you?" I know there are so many days when I pick a fight with the mirror, and no matter what I do with myself, I still can't please it. Yet, like I said before, God doesn't make trash. He has created us each in His image, and we are precious in His sight. Isaiah 40:1b, 4 says this:
" 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
...Because you are precious in my eyes,
And honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.' "
This is how valuable we are to God!! Even though He is speaking to Israel through Isaiah, I believe He feels this way towards His people.
2. "Guys won't find me attractive."
I've talked to several of my close guy friends about this. By asking them about it, I've come to find something very interesting, and that is this: THEY DON'T CARE. At least two of them has even encouraged me to not wear makeup, because for one, it covers up our REAL face, and two, because they want to see how truly beautiful we really are without it. Not in a shallow way at all. Two other guys I've talked to have told me that I don't look any different without it on. Which is so true... I am still the same person, with or without makeup. Besides, what matters is not how you look, but everything else: how you act towards others, how much of a friend you are, and how much do you love and radiate Christ. The right guy will totally fall for you, no matter what's on your face (or what's not), because even though he might be attracted to you, he will fall even more in love with the woman you are on the inside.
1 Peter 3:3-4 is a verse most Christian girls have grown up hearing. It's such a good verse, but I think most of us have grown calloused to what it has to say to us. So, even though you may already know it, I will write it (er, type it) out here:
"Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
This verse applies to today's society SO much and we often don't realize it. Even though a lot of us don't braid our hair regularly, we take the time to straighten it, curl it, make it wavy, cut it, etc. We girls also love to accessorize and go shopping... which is totally not a bad thing! It's also not a bad thing at all to want to look nice and such. It's when we believe that we can't be beautiful without those things that it becomes a problem. I believe for us girls, beauty in itself has become some sort of idol. Instead of spending quality time with God in the morning, we take more time getting our hair and makeup just right. I repeat: this is not a bad thing at all!!! I like making myself look nice. Most girls do. However, when we put that above God does it become a problem. We fail to realize that our outward beauty WILL fade as we get older... We'll be really funny-looking and wrinkly old people. But our inward beauty NEVER FADES; that's what is meant by imperishable beauty.
3. "I have so many flaws."
This is the one that I've struggled with for so long. Every single morning when I roll out of bed, turn on my bathroom light, and look in that mirror, the first thing I notice are my blemishes. Let me say it is SO frustrating for me because I wash my face, moisturize it, and dab the pimple cream on every single night. More often than not, though, they still won't go away. That's why I wear makeup; to cover the blemishes. It's definitely an easy way to temporarily make them disappear. And those dark circles under my eyes! The horror!
Every morning, Satan has the perfect timing in whispering to me: "Look at those blemishes! That is absolutely disgusting! You need to cover those up... And those lashes... What lashes?! Gotta make them longer and darker! How else will you get noticed?" Most mornings I give in and cover it all up, making believe that as long as it's all on, I'm decent looking.
But that's just it. Even with it on, I still feel plain and not pretty 95% of the time. So why do I keep putting it on?
I think the real issues are contentment with who we are and our pride. Girls see other gorgeous girls, which leads to thinking, "Why can't I be as pretty as her?" Which is pretty much like slapping God in the face, saying, "You did it all wrong with me." But He didn't!!! Pride also gets in the way, because we all have a desire to be the best; for girls, we want to be the most beautiful. However, we tend to go about that the wrong way.
I'm gonna say this again: GOD DOES NOT MAKE TRASH.
I hope that's gotten stuck in your head now.
So, to wrap up, I want to challenge all girls to participate in this No-Makeup November thing. If you don't, I'm not gonna be mad or sad or anything. I just know what it feels like to feel worthless and ugly. I think this is a great challenge for me personally, because I've been struggling so much with this. This will definitely help me to focus on what my true identity is and who I really am in Christ and how beautiful I really am because I was created in His image.
If you feel worthless and plain, I hope and pray that you come to find that you really ARE worth everything and that you ARE breathtakingly beautiful, no matter what is (or what's not) on your face.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Disappointments
I know we all fail sometimes. But do you ever have those days when it seems like nothing's going right or you feel completely incompetent of doing anything right? Even just to make people happy?
...Yeah. That was today.
First of all, the weather was bitterly cold and rainy ALL DAY. I like rainy days usually, but only when it's moderately warm out. I can handle the cold if it's sunny out. Putting the two together, however, just goes too far! Another thing to add to the day was that I've gotten very little sleep in the past week (I mean, I know I'm a college kid and all, but I got way less this week than I usually do). When I get less sleep, things always seem worse than they might be. I had also run out of meals for my meal plan, so I had to update that (which isn't completely awful, just a hassle to have to fix). I had tried out for a play on Sunday; the cast list was sent out today, and I didn't get a part at all. Which I thought might happen, but it still took a stab at my ego, and made me feel like I wasn't good enough. And finally, one of our assignments for my gateway class (a writing class) was to write a personal psalm about something we were struggling with. We also had to have ours read aloud, or at least turn them in to be graded, and I'm usually not one to shy away from sharing what I write with other people, but I really didn't want a lot of people to read it this time because it was something I was dealing with that was VERY personal. It also caused that very personal struggle to hang over my head pretty much the whole day. Overall, it was just a really off day.
Now that I have finished whining and complaining, what do I have to say about all of this?
Well, I've come to realize that life goes on. Which is totally cliche', but it does. You move past the bad (or at least unpleasant) things and move on with your life. You also learn from your mistakes. You ask yourself, "How can I be better next time (in regards to the play)?" You get stronger every day that you keep moving forward.
Sometimes, you can't help what happens. I love what people call the "serenity prayer":
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
...But there's more to that:
"...Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."
These are the words that I want my heart to echo. Especially every time something happens or something comes up that may not be what I expect or what I want it to be. Not only do I need to do the top part of that "prayer," but I also need to remember the bottom half: to enjoy every moment I possibly can and trust God that He'll do what's good, what's right, and what's perfect in His plan not only for my own life, but for His overall plan.
With that being said, I am most certainly grateful for all of my friends that tried (and successfully) made my day at least a little better! To Robbie and DJ, it was enough that you listened to me ramble about these things. It may not have seemed like much, but it was. It means the WORLD to me that you took the time to do so. To Ariel and Shane, thank you for making me laugh at lunch and just being there for me to be in your wonderful presence. To Alisha, thank you SO MUCH for writing me a whole poem about me! It completely made my day, and I will totes def keep it forever.
To everyone else reading this, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my ramblings and keep up with my life and what goes on in my head at least a little.
I am most certainly blessed. That is something to be grateful for.
Thank you, Lord!
...Yeah. That was today.
First of all, the weather was bitterly cold and rainy ALL DAY. I like rainy days usually, but only when it's moderately warm out. I can handle the cold if it's sunny out. Putting the two together, however, just goes too far! Another thing to add to the day was that I've gotten very little sleep in the past week (I mean, I know I'm a college kid and all, but I got way less this week than I usually do). When I get less sleep, things always seem worse than they might be. I had also run out of meals for my meal plan, so I had to update that (which isn't completely awful, just a hassle to have to fix). I had tried out for a play on Sunday; the cast list was sent out today, and I didn't get a part at all. Which I thought might happen, but it still took a stab at my ego, and made me feel like I wasn't good enough. And finally, one of our assignments for my gateway class (a writing class) was to write a personal psalm about something we were struggling with. We also had to have ours read aloud, or at least turn them in to be graded, and I'm usually not one to shy away from sharing what I write with other people, but I really didn't want a lot of people to read it this time because it was something I was dealing with that was VERY personal. It also caused that very personal struggle to hang over my head pretty much the whole day. Overall, it was just a really off day.
Now that I have finished whining and complaining, what do I have to say about all of this?
Well, I've come to realize that life goes on. Which is totally cliche', but it does. You move past the bad (or at least unpleasant) things and move on with your life. You also learn from your mistakes. You ask yourself, "How can I be better next time (in regards to the play)?" You get stronger every day that you keep moving forward.
Sometimes, you can't help what happens. I love what people call the "serenity prayer":
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
...But there's more to that:
"...Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."
These are the words that I want my heart to echo. Especially every time something happens or something comes up that may not be what I expect or what I want it to be. Not only do I need to do the top part of that "prayer," but I also need to remember the bottom half: to enjoy every moment I possibly can and trust God that He'll do what's good, what's right, and what's perfect in His plan not only for my own life, but for His overall plan.
With that being said, I am most certainly grateful for all of my friends that tried (and successfully) made my day at least a little better! To Robbie and DJ, it was enough that you listened to me ramble about these things. It may not have seemed like much, but it was. It means the WORLD to me that you took the time to do so. To Ariel and Shane, thank you for making me laugh at lunch and just being there for me to be in your wonderful presence. To Alisha, thank you SO MUCH for writing me a whole poem about me! It completely made my day, and I will totes def keep it forever.
To everyone else reading this, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my ramblings and keep up with my life and what goes on in my head at least a little.
I am most certainly blessed. That is something to be grateful for.
Thank you, Lord!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Obeying the Call
I went to Camp War Eagle (Sunday through Tuesday) for a college fall retreat with not only my church (UBC) but several other churches in the Fayetteville area. It was so good to meet new people and strengthen some older friendships! There were so many things that happened, but yet there was surprisingly a lot of free time to just relax or do whatever we wanted to. Most of the afternoon, I was feeling a bit adventurous and I climbed halfway up a rock wall and tried out 2 out of the 3 ropes courses (I attempted the third one but chickened out after attempting to step out onto it), and then played a great game of ultimate frisbee. After a good shower, I went back to my cabin and saw only one girl in there, but she was dead asleep, so I took a walk around camp.
Most of the time, whenever I am alone, I feel depressed, because being around other people energizes me and makes me happy. This time, however, I felt more content with being alone as I walked down the dusty gravel road.
I found some picnic tables over by the empty basketball courts, and I plopped down at one of them. The sun was shining through the trees and would probably set in a little over an hour and a half. Along with it shining over the nearby lake's waters and with a plethora of colorful leaves all over the still green grass, it was one of the most beautiful scenes of nature that I had ever witnessed with my own eyes. I sighed with contentment.
As I sat there with my legs crossed on the picnic table, I started thinking. Typical questions that everyone wants answered: What am I going to be doing with my life after college? What am I going to be doing DURING my time at college? What does God want for me to do with my life? Am I currently doing what God wants me to do?
After sitting there for a few minutes, I walked around some more and then it ended up being time for dinner. After that, we had our last real session for the retreat on what was really a covered deck (because it wasn't really a building; it was all made of wood and it was technically outside). The sessions were all about the Gospel: what it is (in depth), what a Gospel-saturated person looked like/acted, and how we can "flesh out" the Gospel. The last session was especially good, because the speaker shared 4 "challenges" that we as believers should be able to say when our lives end: "I lived Christ" (fleshing out the Gospel), "I taught Christ" (not just acting, but also sharing and teaching what the Word means), "I followed Christ" (obeying what God's called us to, individually and as a believer in general), and "I loved Christ more than I loved myself" (kind of a challenge towards us meaning, do you love yourself more than you love Christ?) He made a great point that we often make excuses for not sharing the Gospel with other people, either because we're too lazy, we don't care enough about them, or we're afraid of what they'll think of us. But anywho... back to my story.
The wind began to pick up and it got really chilly. I looked over and saw lightning and heard thunder booming in the distance. When the session was over, it was too late to go back to our cabins to put our stuff up; the storm had come. We had to wait it out, and it was pretty cool (literally) to watch light streaking across the sky and feel the freezing mist even standing in the middle of the deck. It was a bit scary because technically we were outside in the middle of a thunderstorm (which seems childish but I had never done that before), but yet I knew that we were going to be okay.
When the rain died down and the storm subsided, we quickly moved to the cafeteria (which was an actual building) and played bunko for several hours.
Later, I thought about this incident as I recalled what I was thinking just hours before on the picnic table. The topic of last night's session and the weather parallel each other so well: the thunderstorm is like sharing our faith with the people around us. Even the thought of it scares us, whether only a little or so much that you feel like throwing up. I think what it all boils down to is that we're out of our comfort zones when we do share the Gospel with other people, especially if they happen to be close friends or people that we know really well. It's definitely easier to share the Gospel with people that you've never met nor will ever see again and hand them a tract and say, "Hey, you need Christ; now good luck!" and send them on their way. But more times than not, that's not how it works.
However, despite what the outcome is or their reaction to what you have to say is, we know that God has it all taken care of and that everything will be okay. It's not the end of the world if they don't respond in faith; in fact, most people won't. We have to remember though, that ultimately it's GOD that is able to change hearts, not us. By grace, He uses us and WANTS to use us as His seed-planters; we can plant the seeds, but only God can make them grow and flourish. All we have to do, is obey Him. He has called us ALL to "go therefore and MAKE DISCIPLES of all nations" in Matthew 28:19... Meaning that we shouldn't just hand them a tract and send them on their way. It's a constant pouring into people, keeping up with them and such. It's also comforting to know that He didn't just command us to do it and say "Well good luck with that!" He tells us in the next verse (v.20) that He is with us ALWAYS, to the end of the age.
Now the question stands: what's keeping YOU from sharing your faith with the people around you? Is it fear? Lack of compassion for the lost? If there's anything holding you back, give it up to God. Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." God will change your heart if you ask Him to.
This is as much a challenge for me as it is for anybody... I'm always afraid to say the wrong things or mess up the message in some way. But God can change the heart of anyone despite if we stumble in our words or can't answer every single question.
All we have to do is obey the call.
Most of the time, whenever I am alone, I feel depressed, because being around other people energizes me and makes me happy. This time, however, I felt more content with being alone as I walked down the dusty gravel road.
I found some picnic tables over by the empty basketball courts, and I plopped down at one of them. The sun was shining through the trees and would probably set in a little over an hour and a half. Along with it shining over the nearby lake's waters and with a plethora of colorful leaves all over the still green grass, it was one of the most beautiful scenes of nature that I had ever witnessed with my own eyes. I sighed with contentment.
As I sat there with my legs crossed on the picnic table, I started thinking. Typical questions that everyone wants answered: What am I going to be doing with my life after college? What am I going to be doing DURING my time at college? What does God want for me to do with my life? Am I currently doing what God wants me to do?
After sitting there for a few minutes, I walked around some more and then it ended up being time for dinner. After that, we had our last real session for the retreat on what was really a covered deck (because it wasn't really a building; it was all made of wood and it was technically outside). The sessions were all about the Gospel: what it is (in depth), what a Gospel-saturated person looked like/acted, and how we can "flesh out" the Gospel. The last session was especially good, because the speaker shared 4 "challenges" that we as believers should be able to say when our lives end: "I lived Christ" (fleshing out the Gospel), "I taught Christ" (not just acting, but also sharing and teaching what the Word means), "I followed Christ" (obeying what God's called us to, individually and as a believer in general), and "I loved Christ more than I loved myself" (kind of a challenge towards us meaning, do you love yourself more than you love Christ?) He made a great point that we often make excuses for not sharing the Gospel with other people, either because we're too lazy, we don't care enough about them, or we're afraid of what they'll think of us. But anywho... back to my story.
The wind began to pick up and it got really chilly. I looked over and saw lightning and heard thunder booming in the distance. When the session was over, it was too late to go back to our cabins to put our stuff up; the storm had come. We had to wait it out, and it was pretty cool (literally) to watch light streaking across the sky and feel the freezing mist even standing in the middle of the deck. It was a bit scary because technically we were outside in the middle of a thunderstorm (which seems childish but I had never done that before), but yet I knew that we were going to be okay.
When the rain died down and the storm subsided, we quickly moved to the cafeteria (which was an actual building) and played bunko for several hours.
Later, I thought about this incident as I recalled what I was thinking just hours before on the picnic table. The topic of last night's session and the weather parallel each other so well: the thunderstorm is like sharing our faith with the people around us. Even the thought of it scares us, whether only a little or so much that you feel like throwing up. I think what it all boils down to is that we're out of our comfort zones when we do share the Gospel with other people, especially if they happen to be close friends or people that we know really well. It's definitely easier to share the Gospel with people that you've never met nor will ever see again and hand them a tract and say, "Hey, you need Christ; now good luck!" and send them on their way. But more times than not, that's not how it works.
However, despite what the outcome is or their reaction to what you have to say is, we know that God has it all taken care of and that everything will be okay. It's not the end of the world if they don't respond in faith; in fact, most people won't. We have to remember though, that ultimately it's GOD that is able to change hearts, not us. By grace, He uses us and WANTS to use us as His seed-planters; we can plant the seeds, but only God can make them grow and flourish. All we have to do, is obey Him. He has called us ALL to "go therefore and MAKE DISCIPLES of all nations" in Matthew 28:19... Meaning that we shouldn't just hand them a tract and send them on their way. It's a constant pouring into people, keeping up with them and such. It's also comforting to know that He didn't just command us to do it and say "Well good luck with that!" He tells us in the next verse (v.20) that He is with us ALWAYS, to the end of the age.
Now the question stands: what's keeping YOU from sharing your faith with the people around you? Is it fear? Lack of compassion for the lost? If there's anything holding you back, give it up to God. Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." God will change your heart if you ask Him to.
This is as much a challenge for me as it is for anybody... I'm always afraid to say the wrong things or mess up the message in some way. But God can change the heart of anyone despite if we stumble in our words or can't answer every single question.
All we have to do is obey the call.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Promises
Taking Old Testament Survey this semester has been SO good for me. For various reasons. One being that the Old Testament didn't seem as applicable in my life as the New Testament did. I definitely knew it was important, for sure, but I just felt like it was... Well, old. I have realized, though, that it IS applicable to my life. The book of Genesis especially reveals this.
Something I've come to realize fully is that all of the people in the book of Genesis messed up, a LOT. Even when God continually spoke to them and promised to be with them, they all failed; they would always act in unbelief. One in particular, Abraham, sticks out in my mind more than the others do. Even though he's known for his incredible faith (Gen. 15:6), he didn't start out that way. If you happen to look through Gen. 12-22... WOW. We're talking about some serious trust issues here! There are so many instances when he could've acted in faith, but didn't.
First of all, God spoke to Abraham personally, which should've strengthened his faith in Him like a billion times more. Not only did He speak to him, but God promised Abraham so many things, the most important things promised to him were land, protection, and overall blessing. He even told Abraham to go outside and count the stars in the sky, telling him that he was counting the number of his descendants. God even made a covenant with him.
Not even a few verses later begins a list of all the ways that Abraham screws things up. They left to go to another land (which says a lot about how much faith they lacked that God would provide in the midst of the famine), and Abraham lied to the Pharaoh of Egypt saying that Sarah was his sister (which was true, but it wasn't the whole truth). That right there revealed that he didn't trust God in providing protection for him, either. They got everything settled and then, they moved on. But this didn't just happened once; it happened AGAIN! You'd think they'd learn from their mistakes the first time...
Even though God promised them more descendants than they could possibly imagine, they took matters into their own hands with making Hagar become a surrogate mom. Even though God blessed Ishmael, the child born of unbelief, it was still Isaac that He blessed Abraham and his descendants through.
Finally, when Isaac was older, God told Abraham to sacrifice his only son. This had to have been the hardest test of faith! But after years and years of acting in unbelief and distrust, Abraham obeyed. He knew that God had promised Isaac, and he had faith that even if the blade of the knife went through the skin, that he would be healed or brought back to life. After so many years of not getting it, he FINALLY got it!
I can totally relate to Abraham; that's probably why he's my favorite character to read about in Genesis. In fact, I AM Abraham in a sense. I know God has made me so many promises AND kept them, and yet I still act like I don't trust Him a lot of the time. I think everyone's like this, but I can relate because I'm an especially stubborn fool. Thank goodness He's saved me and not because of anything I ever did. I have so many dreams for my life that I want desperately to make a reality. If they're part of God's plan for my life, then they WILL happen. But I have to remember that if they're not, then God's got something SO much better in mind for my life. Which is super hard to imagine and is easier said than done...
Something really cool to take from this story is that even though Abraham didn't always act in faith, that didn't stop God from being God, and it didn't stop Him from being the faithful El Shaddai. He ALWAYS keeps His end of the deal. That's always incredibly comforting to remember; even when I screw up or fail, God NEVER does. He always keeps His promises.
That's something to keep in the front of my mind as I go about my crazy life.
Something I've come to realize fully is that all of the people in the book of Genesis messed up, a LOT. Even when God continually spoke to them and promised to be with them, they all failed; they would always act in unbelief. One in particular, Abraham, sticks out in my mind more than the others do. Even though he's known for his incredible faith (Gen. 15:6), he didn't start out that way. If you happen to look through Gen. 12-22... WOW. We're talking about some serious trust issues here! There are so many instances when he could've acted in faith, but didn't.
First of all, God spoke to Abraham personally, which should've strengthened his faith in Him like a billion times more. Not only did He speak to him, but God promised Abraham so many things, the most important things promised to him were land, protection, and overall blessing. He even told Abraham to go outside and count the stars in the sky, telling him that he was counting the number of his descendants. God even made a covenant with him.
Not even a few verses later begins a list of all the ways that Abraham screws things up. They left to go to another land (which says a lot about how much faith they lacked that God would provide in the midst of the famine), and Abraham lied to the Pharaoh of Egypt saying that Sarah was his sister (which was true, but it wasn't the whole truth). That right there revealed that he didn't trust God in providing protection for him, either. They got everything settled and then, they moved on. But this didn't just happened once; it happened AGAIN! You'd think they'd learn from their mistakes the first time...
Even though God promised them more descendants than they could possibly imagine, they took matters into their own hands with making Hagar become a surrogate mom. Even though God blessed Ishmael, the child born of unbelief, it was still Isaac that He blessed Abraham and his descendants through.
Finally, when Isaac was older, God told Abraham to sacrifice his only son. This had to have been the hardest test of faith! But after years and years of acting in unbelief and distrust, Abraham obeyed. He knew that God had promised Isaac, and he had faith that even if the blade of the knife went through the skin, that he would be healed or brought back to life. After so many years of not getting it, he FINALLY got it!
I can totally relate to Abraham; that's probably why he's my favorite character to read about in Genesis. In fact, I AM Abraham in a sense. I know God has made me so many promises AND kept them, and yet I still act like I don't trust Him a lot of the time. I think everyone's like this, but I can relate because I'm an especially stubborn fool. Thank goodness He's saved me and not because of anything I ever did. I have so many dreams for my life that I want desperately to make a reality. If they're part of God's plan for my life, then they WILL happen. But I have to remember that if they're not, then God's got something SO much better in mind for my life. Which is super hard to imagine and is easier said than done...
Something really cool to take from this story is that even though Abraham didn't always act in faith, that didn't stop God from being God, and it didn't stop Him from being the faithful El Shaddai. He ALWAYS keeps His end of the deal. That's always incredibly comforting to remember; even when I screw up or fail, God NEVER does. He always keeps His promises.
That's something to keep in the front of my mind as I go about my crazy life.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Never Alone
Being a commuter has its pros and cons. Some of the pros would be: I can definitely concentrate on homework better at home than I probably would on campus (because I get distracted SO easily; it's ridiculous), I have my own bedroom and bathroom, free food (even though it's not really free, but you know what I mean), and it IS nice to be able to come home at the end of a long day.
There are some cons, however... Like the fact that since I don't stay on campus, there are some things that I have to miss out on (especially if they're late at night or on the weekends), and then I've come to find out that even though everyone at JBU seems nice, everyone has their own little group that they hang out with all the time and do everything with. I am not part of any group, in my opinion. Because of this, I feel like I don't belong anywhere sometimes. And I have a huge tendency to feel lonely. Now, you may think, "Pfft, how pathetic is that?" Well, it probably is quite pathetic. But it's definitely something that I've been struggling with.
Now, please don't get me wrong; I have made some AMAZING friends at JBU. Some of the best, I'd say. But even they won't always be there to talk to me, especially when I really need them there to give me a hug (or give me a random candy bar -- there's a story behind this that I'll share!)
Even though I've been struggling with this since the beginning of the semester, God has used it for some good things (like He always does in my life). I've had some of the sweetest times with God when I'm by myself. Which is kind of a "duh!" thing. But until you really experience it for yourself, you really don't fully understand what it's like. Sometimes I'll find a random bench out on the quad (pretty much the middle of the campus) or sit under a tree, or even sit inside in Walker Student Center at one of the tables and do my devotional there. I've discovered some pretty awesome things by just sitting there reading or just enjoying God's creation for sometimes a whole hour! Don't get me wrong, I've still got a long way to go before I get this whole "quiet time" thing figured out...
There was something really cool that happened pretty recently; Monday, I had just gotten through a really weird weekend where it seemed like I was completely alone and that no one wanted to have anything to do with me. I happen to have those weird moods pretty frequently, sadly. Monday morning, I was driving to Siloam Springs like I do every day, and I thought to myself, "You know, I'm determined to have a good Monday! No matter what happens!" So I go about my day just like every other day. I had my voice lesson that day, and it happened to be one of those lessons where I felt incredibly good about the work I did during that time, and it's unusual because I literally have almost no confidence in myself whatsoever, especially my music. And then, all throughout the rest of my day, so many random people would come up to me and give me hugs and ask me how I was doing. You may think, "Well, seems pretty normal to me!" Even though it may seem normal, it just made me feel all the more loved and wanted.
I was about to go to Women's Chorus when one of my really good guy friends called out to me, "Hey Lauren!" I looked over, and there he was, standing there waving at me. I waved back, and he ran over and put something in my backpack side pocket. I was like, "Uhh, what did you just put into the side pocket?" He grinned like a little kid on Christmas morning and said, "Just look!"
I looked, and he had put a huge Twix candy bar in my side pocket. I was SO happy! "DUDE, this is awesome! You're amazing! But I feel like I should pay you back or something..." One of his friends was standing there and she said, "Don't even bother!" I smiled and headed to Women's Chorus.
I stayed on campus later than usual that evening because I had Passion group (like a prayer/Bible study group) that night. So some friends and I (one of them being the friend that gave me the candy bar) had a jam session in front of the science building, which was SO fun and awesome and contributed to the day's awesomeness!
After that, I had Passion group, and it was really good to just be around other girls and talk about stuff. After the meeting ended, I checked my phone and had FOUR text messages that were from different people asking me how I was doing, how my day was, and that they missed me! All I could think was, "WOW... I am so blessed!"
All that was to say that Monday was a good day, for various reasons. But the biggest reason was that it pointed to the fact that I DO have friends that care about me and genuinely love me. I don't know why it's so easy for me to forget, but it is! It also points to the fact that God genuinely loves me all the time, and He showers me with blessings sometimes, even though I don't realize it. And that I'm never alone, because He's always there with me! I always seem to forget that too.
Hopefully I can keep this really good Monday in my mind for a long time, so when I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I can remember how much I really am loved and how much I truly am blessed.
There are some cons, however... Like the fact that since I don't stay on campus, there are some things that I have to miss out on (especially if they're late at night or on the weekends), and then I've come to find out that even though everyone at JBU seems nice, everyone has their own little group that they hang out with all the time and do everything with. I am not part of any group, in my opinion. Because of this, I feel like I don't belong anywhere sometimes. And I have a huge tendency to feel lonely. Now, you may think, "Pfft, how pathetic is that?" Well, it probably is quite pathetic. But it's definitely something that I've been struggling with.
Now, please don't get me wrong; I have made some AMAZING friends at JBU. Some of the best, I'd say. But even they won't always be there to talk to me, especially when I really need them there to give me a hug (or give me a random candy bar -- there's a story behind this that I'll share!)
Even though I've been struggling with this since the beginning of the semester, God has used it for some good things (like He always does in my life). I've had some of the sweetest times with God when I'm by myself. Which is kind of a "duh!" thing. But until you really experience it for yourself, you really don't fully understand what it's like. Sometimes I'll find a random bench out on the quad (pretty much the middle of the campus) or sit under a tree, or even sit inside in Walker Student Center at one of the tables and do my devotional there. I've discovered some pretty awesome things by just sitting there reading or just enjoying God's creation for sometimes a whole hour! Don't get me wrong, I've still got a long way to go before I get this whole "quiet time" thing figured out...
There was something really cool that happened pretty recently; Monday, I had just gotten through a really weird weekend where it seemed like I was completely alone and that no one wanted to have anything to do with me. I happen to have those weird moods pretty frequently, sadly. Monday morning, I was driving to Siloam Springs like I do every day, and I thought to myself, "You know, I'm determined to have a good Monday! No matter what happens!" So I go about my day just like every other day. I had my voice lesson that day, and it happened to be one of those lessons where I felt incredibly good about the work I did during that time, and it's unusual because I literally have almost no confidence in myself whatsoever, especially my music. And then, all throughout the rest of my day, so many random people would come up to me and give me hugs and ask me how I was doing. You may think, "Well, seems pretty normal to me!" Even though it may seem normal, it just made me feel all the more loved and wanted.
I was about to go to Women's Chorus when one of my really good guy friends called out to me, "Hey Lauren!" I looked over, and there he was, standing there waving at me. I waved back, and he ran over and put something in my backpack side pocket. I was like, "Uhh, what did you just put into the side pocket?" He grinned like a little kid on Christmas morning and said, "Just look!"
I looked, and he had put a huge Twix candy bar in my side pocket. I was SO happy! "DUDE, this is awesome! You're amazing! But I feel like I should pay you back or something..." One of his friends was standing there and she said, "Don't even bother!" I smiled and headed to Women's Chorus.
I stayed on campus later than usual that evening because I had Passion group (like a prayer/Bible study group) that night. So some friends and I (one of them being the friend that gave me the candy bar) had a jam session in front of the science building, which was SO fun and awesome and contributed to the day's awesomeness!
After that, I had Passion group, and it was really good to just be around other girls and talk about stuff. After the meeting ended, I checked my phone and had FOUR text messages that were from different people asking me how I was doing, how my day was, and that they missed me! All I could think was, "WOW... I am so blessed!"
All that was to say that Monday was a good day, for various reasons. But the biggest reason was that it pointed to the fact that I DO have friends that care about me and genuinely love me. I don't know why it's so easy for me to forget, but it is! It also points to the fact that God genuinely loves me all the time, and He showers me with blessings sometimes, even though I don't realize it. And that I'm never alone, because He's always there with me! I always seem to forget that too.
Hopefully I can keep this really good Monday in my mind for a long time, so when I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I can remember how much I really am loved and how much I truly am blessed.
Welcome to My Blog!
Hey guys! I've finally started a blog. I've wanted to for a good while now, but I was afraid that college was going to be too much for me to keep up with it. Now that I've actually started college and figured out my classes, time management for each of them, and all that, I've finally started one. "What would you write about?" you may ask.
I guess it would be whatever comes to my mind at the time. It could be funny; it might be depressing. It could be like a journal entry; it may be something completely random. It will definitely include something that God's been working on in my life. It might include something that just totally made my day or made me laugh! It will most likely include lessons learned. Whatever I put on here, it'll reflect what's going on in my life in some way.
I guess that's why I started a blog; it's a cool way to write about my life: thoughts, dreams, events, etc.
Hopefully you are encouraged by what I write, or maybe provoke you to think about something that you've never thought about (or thought very little about). Whether it does or not, you will be introduced into my life while I try to figure it out one wobbly step at a time. :)
I guess it would be whatever comes to my mind at the time. It could be funny; it might be depressing. It could be like a journal entry; it may be something completely random. It will definitely include something that God's been working on in my life. It might include something that just totally made my day or made me laugh! It will most likely include lessons learned. Whatever I put on here, it'll reflect what's going on in my life in some way.
I guess that's why I started a blog; it's a cool way to write about my life: thoughts, dreams, events, etc.
Hopefully you are encouraged by what I write, or maybe provoke you to think about something that you've never thought about (or thought very little about). Whether it does or not, you will be introduced into my life while I try to figure it out one wobbly step at a time. :)
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